


Screaming Color

by lotrspnfangirl



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Army, CRNA, Deployment, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friendship/Love, Gay Rights, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Military Police, Near Death Experience, New York City, Physical Abuse, Romance, Secrets, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-09 09:28:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 76,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3244589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotrspnfangirl/pseuds/lotrspnfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spanish Translation now available!</p><p>Jared escapes his hometown, and his past, for a fresh start in the bright and busy city of New York. He prays the change of scenery will hide the scars, both physical and mental. All he wants is a fresh start, and freedom from the one who is still holding him back. </p><p>Jensen has been stationed in the city for the better part of the last four years. He has made some of the best friends he could have ever hoped to have. Still, he refrains from sharing all of himself, knowing the repercussions of being completely honest. </p><p>When they finally get together, neither one wants to let their fears or scars hold them back. But when the world around you doesn’t actually know you, and the demons of your past threaten to break you, can love really conqueror all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to New York

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  [](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/titlebanner_zpspwjku9wb.jpg.html)   
>    
> 
> 
>  
> 
> Album Challenge with Far_To_The_North. Album: 1989 by Taylor Swift. Each track on the album must be a chapter title and influence the chapter in some way.
> 
> I will try and get a chapter up every week! 
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I do not own or know Jensen or Jared (as much as I would like to!) or any of the other actors mentioned in this fic. I am just borrowing, and playing, with them. Please leave feedback, as it fuels the fire! This is my FIRST Supernatural RPF fic, so fingers crossed!
> 
>  
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> ** This fic is now translated into Spanish!!! You can find the translation [here!!](http://z13.invisionfree.com/Supernatural_Foro/index.php?showtopic=5240&st=0) **

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chapteronebanner_zpsjpoou2wa.jpg.html)

**Chapter One: Welcome to New York**  
 **Chapter One: Welcome to New York**  
 _"Welcome to New York  
When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors  
Took our broken hearts and put them in a drawer  
Everybody here was someone else before  
And you can want who you want  
Boys and boys and girls and girls  
Welcome to New York  
It's been waitin' for you ___  
'Welcome to New York' by Taylor Swift, 1989

__

____

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)  


Freedom. Or at least that’s what this was supposed to be. Jared Padalecki pushed the duffel bag he was carrying up higher onto his shoulder and stepped off of the subway into the surging crowd. He allowed the crowd of people to carry him forward, their energy pushing at him as much as their bodies and their bags. Freedom felt an awful lot like being smothered…

As Jared surfaced and stepped into the sun and bustle of the city around him, he took a moment to get his bearings. He had been to the city, maybe, once in his life. And he had been way too young to remember anything about it. Most of his New York City knowledge came from what he had seen in movies or TV. He knew, because of the subway stop, he was on Broadway. To his left was 76th street; he pulled a folded letter from his pocket to look at the address.

_The Lucerne Apartments_  
 _Sophisticated and Elegant Family Style Living  
350 East 79th Street, New York City, NY_

_Dear Mr. Padalecki  
Thank you for your interest in our establishment. We look forward to welcoming you and your family as one of our own. Please find enclosed the proper paperwork and labels to assist in moving your furniture and belongings into your new home._

_Your apartment will be available June 1st. Please stop by the front desk upon arrival for confirmation of emergency information and to pick up your keys._

_Your apartment will be 515E. Attached is a copy of the rental agreement of 6 months lease at $3,700 a month._

_We look forward to providing you with all the comforts of home in the greatest city on Earth._

_Marianne Fox  
Assistant Director of Management Operations_

He looked back up at the street signs to make sure he was heading in the right direction and started off. As he turned onto the street, he still couldn’t believe he was here, as far away from his family as he had ever been, and spending more on an apartment than he had ever spent on a car.

“You need this.” He muttered to himself, trying to shake away the doubts that continued to threaten in the back of his mind. Even this morning, as he stepped off the plane at JFK, he contemplated buying a one way ticket back to Texas and forgetting this entire thing. He half wanted to call up Jeff and tell his older brother that he accepted his offer to move in with him.

But, even across the country… he still couldn’t escape the pain in the pit of his stomach or ignore what had happened. Staying a few towns over from _him_ wouldn’t make this any easier. Even now, his feet safely planted half a country away, he had to push back the fear and guilt that was constantly suffocating him.

Yanking himself out of his thoughts, he looked ahead to see he had arrived at the building. The apartment complex towered over him, the golden doors and window frames glinting in the sunshine. As he approached the door, a short man pushed the doors open, a smile plastered on his face.

“Afternoon, Sir.” He tipped his head and held the door until Jared cleared the threshold.

“Thank you.” Jared nodded back at him. Just like the outside, the lobby was decorated in deep shades of mahogany and gold, with marble floors and columns. Large bouquets of freshly cut flowers were littered around on almost every flat surface, their perfume erasing the smell of the city.

“Can I help you?” The doorman asked after a pause, seeing that Jared hadn’t booked towards the elevator, unlike the other patrons he was probably used to.

“Uh, yeah… I am looking for the front desk to pick up my keys.” Jared turned towards him.

“Ah, a new home owner?” The doorman smiled at him and held out his hand. “I’m Marcus.”

“Jared.” Jared gripped the man’s hand firmly, giving it a shake.

“Our front desk for residents is on the second floor of the lobby. There are a set of stairs to the left,” he motioned his arm over to point them out to Jared. “Or there is an elevator in the back of the room.”

“Thank you, Marcus.” Jared waved a short goodbye and headed towards the stairs. After a quick stop at the desk to pick up his keys and the apparently very-much-needed receptionists personal cell phone number, he was standing in the foyer of his new apartment.

Jared exhaled a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and quickly kicked off his shoes.

“Home sweet home…” He muttered, walking around the apartment. All of the carpet was a light tan color, all of the walls painted nearly the same shade. If he found himself here longer than the six months he signed for? He would definitely have to put an effort into decorating.

All of the furniture was wrapped in plastic and put in the respective rooms, boxes pressed against them or stacked on top. The boxes he hadn’t labeled were stacked in the far end of the living room. He stood in the center of the living room for a moment, contemplating where to start. He supposed the only rooms he had to get cleared today were the bedroom, so he had a place to sleep. He went back to the foyer where he had dropped his duffel bag and found his iPod and the French fry speaker his sister had gotten him for his birthday a few years ago. He put his playlist on shuffle before heading towards the first box.

An hour into rearranging boxes around the room to clear a path to the bed, Jared finally was able to rip the plastic off of the mattresses and drop them onto the frame. He climbed up onto the bed and lay across it, breathing hard. He needed to start going back to the gym… At least there was no one to stop him now. He sighed, frustrated that his thoughts were yet again, going to _him_. This was a new start, but apparently he couldn’t get his mind to think that way.

His phone started vibrating in his pocket and he smiled, seeing it was his mom calling.

“Hey Mom.”

“Jared? Are you in New York now? You didn’t call me when you landed…” He could tell his mom was trying not to sound panicked on the other end of the phone. “I was watching the progress of your flight on the computer, so I knew you landed okay… but I just wanted to make sure.”

“I’m fine Mom, don’t worry.” Jared said, chuckling slightly. “I was just trying to figure out where I was going and then started unpacking. I should have called, I’m sorry…”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s not that big of a deal… How’s your new place?”

“It’s bigger than I thought it was going to be.” Jared replied honestly, looking around the bedroom.

“Well, that’s good considering the price you’re paying for it!” He could sense the big of anger in his mother’s voice. Here we go again…

“Mom…” He started but was cut off quickly.

“Jared, you know you could have just come home. Or gone to stay with Jeff! You didn’t need to go so far away… After everything that happened, being close to your family and your friends is probably the best thing.”

“I need to do this.” Jared closed his eyes, running a hand over his face. “I can’t be there right now… everything reminds me of him.”

“Well it shouldn’t! Did Jeff tell you Chad tried to break bail?” Jared winced at his name. “He’s going to be in jail until the trial.”

“If there is a trial…” Jared mumbled, cursing himself for not keeping the thought in his head when his mother exploded on the other end.

“There will be a trial, Jared! Are you honestly thinking about not pressing charges? He deserves everything that’s going to be coming his way. When I think about everything that he put you through… I know you didn’t tell us everything, and I hope that the things my mind makes up are far worse than reality, but--”

“Mom, I don’t want to see him again. I don’t want to come back down there to be reminded of something painful… to rehash the entire thing over again in front of a jury and judge. He can’t hurt me anymore, and I just want it to be over and move on. I don’t want to think of him anymore.”

“He almost killed you, Jared.” His mom’s voice was a whisper and he knew she was crying and trying to hide if from him. Even hundreds of miles away, all he managed was to hurt the people he cared about.

“I have to go, Mom.” Jared replied after a pause. “I’ll think about it… okay?” They said their goodbyes and Jared hung up the phone, his other hand absentmindedly rubbing against the puckered scar on his lower stomach.

Jared sat on the end of the bed and reached into the closest box to pull out a comforter. Although the bed hadn’t been made yet and he hadn’t managed to find his pillows, he felt exhausted. He was far enough away now, he knew that he was safe, but even the mention of Chad had icy tendrils of fear racing through his body. He laid back down and curled up on his side, pulling the blanket over his head.

As he exhaled and closed his eyes, the last thought he had was the hope he didn’t have the nightmares, before sleep claimed him.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

“Hey Mark!” Jensen called over his shoulder as he walked through the doors of his apartment complex. It was rare he was able to see Mark twice in one day… For once, he had been released at a somewhat reasonable time. He hoped that the generosity of the Captain wasn’t going to be upcoming news of a deployment. Then again… the money would be nice.

He took the elevator up to the seventh floor, and let himself into his apartment. The smell of old Thai food hit him hard as he shut the door behind him and he cursed himself, remembering he had left the boxes out on the coffee table all night and all day. After sweeping he boxes into the trash can, he peeled off his ACUs and made his way to the shower.

Even though they had been released early, he had stayed an extra hour and a half to work out in the gym at the base. Although part of the rent he paid every month went to the gym they had in the building, he couldn’t bring himself to ever work out at home. It was too much of a distraction, knowing there was a flat screen and couch waiting for him only six floors up.

After washing away the sweat from his workout, Jensen leaned his forehead against the cool shower wall, letting the hot water pound down on his shoulders. He increased the temperature of the water slightly, wincing as his skin adjusted to the heat, and knowing it would be good for his muscles tomorrow. Working out his arms was always his favorite – until the next morning.

His phone ringing made him groan and pull himself away from the warm water. He shut the faucet off and wrapped a towel around his waist, reaching to the floor to pick up his jacket and get his phone out of one of the pockets.

“Yeah?” He answered, almost dropping the towel as he pressed the talk button on his blackberry.

“Ackles, is that how your Mother taught you to answer the phone?” The familiar voice boomed at him from the other end before busting out laughing.

“Welling, it’s been an entire fifteen minutes since I saw you. Miss me already?” Jensen pulled the phone back to put it on speaker phone so he could dry off.

“You know I miss your pretty boy face the moment you leave me.”

“Oh, don’t I know it with the way you call me all the time. What’s up Tom?”

“Plans tonight? Any hot girls coming over or anything?” Jensen rolled his eyes, and couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face. His best friend was many things and most of all, predictable.

“Are you asking me out on a date, Welling?”

“Yes, Ackles. I need your pretty boy face to score me some chicks.” Tom laughed. “You in?”

“Yeah, I just got out of the shower so let me get dressed. Meet you in an hour?”

“Oh well now you have me thinking of you wet and naked… Might need to give me a few minutes.”

“Goodbye, Tom.” Jensen laughed, hanging up the phone. He padded into the bedroom, leaving the damp towel hanging over the shower rod. He picked out a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt and finished the look by replacing his dog tags with a silver chain necklace.

After applying deodorant and spraying on a bit of cologne, Jensen grabbed a navy coat from the back of the chair in the kitchen and headed out the door. If he could get Tom hooked up with someone early tonight… he, himself, might be able to get lucky. The past few times they had gone out to the bar, Tom had been so hung up on the ‘one that got away’, Jensen was forced to talk to more twins and best friends of the wrong sex than he could stand. Tonight, he hoped, would be different. 

Jensen made his way through the city, entertaining a polite conversation on the subway, and met Tom in front of their favorite bar just as an hour passed. Tom met him with one of his dazzling smiles, pushing dark locks away from his forehead. Jensen smiled back at him, giving him a quick hug. Tom was attractive, chiseled features with deep green eyes, much like his own. 

When Jensen had first gotten transferred to Fort Hamilton, he was instantly drawn to Tom. Now, three years later, he had gotten over the instant crush he had felt and found one of the best friends he had ever had in Tom. Even if he sometimes had to struggle to get Tom to think with the head on his shoulders, he could count on him for anything. Or, mostly everything. 

“Ready to go chick surfing?” Tom asked pushing open the glass doors to the building. 

“Oh, most definitely.” Jensen rolled his eyes and pushed past his friend. “Are you in a blonde or brunette mood tonight?”

“Let’s change it up… How about a ginger?” Tom raised his eyebrows, laughing as he followed Jensen towards the bar in the back of the room. “What’s on tap?” He asked when the bartender approached. “Beer Jen?” 

Jensen nodded and looked around the bar. Even for a Wednesday, the bar was pretty dead. Jensen stored away the slight feeling of disappointment and slid into one of the bar stools beside Tom. He accepted the beer pushed towards him with a smile, and lifted the glass up. 

“To getting laid.” Tom said, clinking their glasses together before taking a huge sip.

“Yes, please.” Jensen laughed, taking a sip of his own beer. They turned in their chairs to face towards the seating area of the bar and the small dance floor that was set up in the corner. There was a group of four girls sitting at one of the tables close to them, but other than that, people looked coupled up or completely uninterested in anything other than the booze before them. 

“So, think they’re going to give us the big speech tomorrow?” Tom asked, throwing an arm over the back of the stool to face the door. Jensen knew this was his ‘prepare for the one’ stance, hoping that the next hot girl to walk through the door would instantly be drawn to him sitting at the bar. 

“I don’t know man… It hasn’t been that long since we’ve gotten back. You really think they would send us again?” 

“Maybe they’re going to ask for volunteers. I’d be game.” Tom shrugged and looked at Jensen. “What do you think? Want to do another tour with me?”

“Oh, yes. Being stuck with you for a year in some desert sounds like exactly what I want to be doing.” Jensen rolled his eyes and laughed. “Maybe… I think my mother would kill me if I told her I volunteered to go.”

“Eh, what she doesn’t know won’t kill her… I’d like another shot at those bastards. Maybe if I go again I could shoot something.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Jensen punched Tom’s arm. “You seriously just joined the army for the guns, didn’t you?”

“Sure as hell wasn’t for the fucking money.” Tom gave him a look and Jensen was forced to agree. 

Jensen knew that Tom had signed up the same time he had, October of 2011. He had been in law school at the time, but as he watched the news cast of September 11th, something in him had changed. A lot of the guys in his unit had even admitted to resigning contracts after the attack. Jensen had never expected to actually be stationed in the city, and had a huge culture shock, even coming from a big city in Texas. But now, he couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. 

“It’s kind of dead tonight isn’t it?” He said after a moment, breaking them out of their individual thoughts.

“It is a Wednesday night, boys.” A voice came from behind them and both he and Tom turned to look. A tall woman had slipped into the seat behind Jensen while they were talking. She was wearing a tight black dress, leaving very little to the imagination. Jensen gave her a quick once over and determined she was pretty, but had blonde hair instead of red. 

“We could pretend it was ‘Topless Tuesday’.” Tom winked at the girl, leaning over Jensen to give her a dazzling smile. Jensen, having raised his glass for a sip, almost snorted in his beer and have his best friend an exasperated look. The girl hesitated for a moment, determining her comeback. Then slowly, smiled. 

“I’m not sure if I’m interested in an indecent exposure charge.” She laughed and slipped off her chair to move to Tom’s side. “Do you dance?” She asked, and before waiting for an answer, left her drink on the counter and moved towards the dance floor. Tom watched her for a moment before draining the rest of his beer and slamming the glass down. 

“I’d tap that.” He said to Jensen before laughing and following after her. 

“That was easy…” Jensen muttered to himself, leaning back into his chair and watching Tom and the girl start to dance. He was finally able to look for a date of his own, and the bar had to be completely empty. 

Three beers in, Jensen had spent most of his time chatting up the bartender and watching Tom and little black dress’ drinks. Tom currently had his arms wrapped around her, his hands sliding way too high up her skirt to be appropriate for public, as he was teaching her how to shoot pool. Jensen had been invited, but decided to pass before he saw a bit too much of LBD’s legs. 

“I’ll have a blue moon.” A chill went up Jensen’s spine as a voice behind him wrapped around him. He turned away from watching his best friend and his date to look at who the voice belonged to. A man had slid into a seat beside him and looked up to meet Jensen’s eyes and nod a small hello. 

This man, was absolutely, gorgeous. 

Jensen swallowed hard, and tried not to stare. The man smiled as he was handed his drink, showing deep dimples in his cheeks. Jensen watched as long fingers wrapped around his beer, and lifted it to the most perfect lips… He cleared his throat and turned back to his own beer. Acting like a teenage girl pining over the football quarter back was definitely not going to score him any points. Hell, as far as he knew, this man could be here for the same reasons that Tom was. 

From the corner of his eye he watched the man pull his cell phone from his pocket and lay it down on the bar. Jensen could hear and feel the vibrations as text messages came rushing through, dashing any hope he had felt. This man was definitely waiting for someone… 

Jensen sighed and downed the rest of his beer, signaling the bartender for another one. One look over at Tom and Jensen knew this was going to be the longest night he’d had in a while.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)  


_Did you get out of the house? Jared, answer me. Do I need to have mom call you again? You know I'll do it. At least have a few shots!! Pictures. Now J-man!_

Jared placed his cell phone on the table and watched as each new message from his brother popped up on the screen. He had spent fifteen minutes on the phone, arguing with him, before giving in, getting dressed, and going out. Although Jeff meant well, he was well on his way to obtaining the award for ‘most annoying brother’. 

Jared had been content, curled up in his comforter and fast asleep. He had ignored three phone calls, before Jeff started texting him in between calling. 

“Dude, if it was my first night in New York City? I would be checking out the night life and working on picking up some chicks! Or, you know, dudes in your case.”

“Not really looking for a relationship here, Jeff.” Jared had responded, pulling the blanket back up over his head. 

“Sex, Jared. Good, old fashioned, get your rocks off and leave in the morning, sex. I really don’t think you need a new relationship right now. But you could totally go for a one night stand.” Jeff had retorted, exasperated. “Jared… I know you. You can’t just stay locked up in your apartment, going to bed when it gets dark and waking up when you can’t stand the sun anymore. You can’t stop living your life because of this…”

“I know, Jeff.” Jared said softly. “I’m going to try… But it doesn’t just go away. When I let you take me out before I left? Every guy that tried to talk to me, reminded me of Chad. I’m not really interested in a random hook up where I’m constantly battling my thoughts.”

“Well…” Jeff sighed and Jared could hear him moving around in the kitchen, probably making dinner. Jared briefly wondered what time it actually was… “At least go get yourself a beer or two. You deserve that after a day of traveling and unpacking. Plus, have you even eaten today?”

“No…” Jared said honestly, and threw the blanket off of himself and sitting up. “Fine. I’ll go out, happy?”

“I want pictures.” 

After hanging up, Jared dragged himself back out into the city. Marcus had suggested a well known bar a few blocks down. As Jared pushed the doors open, he exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding as he looked around the almost empty bar. There were a few couples, one had taken over the entire pool area. A few tables full of girls laughing and throwing glances over at the bar. Jared followed their eyes and stopped short. 

There was a man sitting at the bar, shaking his head at the couple at the pool table, a smile playing on his lips. Butterflies started flitting through Jared’s stomach as he took in the man. He was attractive… The man had a hint of stubble, and as his lips curled into a smile at the couple Jared wondered what they would feel like… 

Jared walked towards the bar and hesitated again. The man was the only one at the bar which left plenty of seats open. Biting his lower lip, he decided to bite the bullet and pulled out the chair next to the man’s.

“I’ll have a blue moon.” The bartender took his order as Jared slid into the seat. The man turned around to look at him and Jared melted. Green eyes pinned him to the spot and all Jared could manage was a small nod of hello. From his pocket, he felt his phone starting again. He pulled it out to set against the bar, flooded with his brother’s messages. 

_At the bar, I’m not taking a selfie for you pleasure._ Jared texted back and looked over at the man from the corner of his eye. Jared shoved his phone back in his pocket and sighed, knowing he probably looked like he had some clingy date. 

He chewed on his cheek for a few minutes, nursing his beer. He had meant what he said to Jeff earlier… he wasn’t looking for any sort of relationship – short lived or not. But there was something about this man… _He’s probably straight._ Jared licked his lower lip and turned his body towards him. New city, new friends, right?

“Hey, I’m Jared.” He said, clearing his throat.

“Oh, hey.” The man turned towards him fully, a smile on his lips. “I’m Jensen. Long day at work?” Jensen motioned to the beer Jared didn’t even realize he had finished.

“Oh… no…” He laughed and set the empty glass down. “Moving day.”

“Ah, yeah, moving sucks.” Jensen laughed and Jared swore that smile made the room a bit brighter. “What part of town did you move from?”

“Out of state.” Jared said, signaling the bartender for another. “Came up from Texas, so spent most of the morning in the airport and then a subway station.”

“Texas, huh?” Jensen’s smile widened. “Whereabouts? I’m from Dallas.”

“No shit?” Jared smiled back at him. “I’m from San Antonio. Small world, huh? Do you like New York?”

“Yeah, I love it here. Took a bit to get used to… plus, there’s snow and cold half the year.” Jensen laughed and took a sip of his beer. “But I love it.”

“That’s good to know… my family wasn’t all that thrilled when I told them I’d chosen to move to New York.”

“I can imagine. So, is it just you? Or did you come with a wife or kids?” Jensen asked, trailing off at the end.

“Oh… no.” Jared shook his head quickly. “Single… and…” Jared tightened his smile. Here goes nothing. “Not into the whole wife thing… or women thing, in general.”

“Oh.” Jensen replied, looking surprised. _Well,_ Jared thought as he turned to his beer again, _I guess I won’t be entertaining any of those thoughts…_ “It’s just surprising. Usually the attractive ones are taken, or straight.” Jared looked again and Jensen winked at him. 

“Ackles!” Jensen suddenly straightened, swinging himself around as the couple from the pool table approached. “What the hell man? You’re not going to get anywhere facing the bar. Or talking to dudes.” 

“This is Jared.” Jared looked between the two of them, surprised at Jensen’s sudden tight posture. “And I’m talking to people, making friends. You can’t expect me to be stuck with you as my best friend for the rest of my life, can you?”

“Ha. Ha.” The man extended his hand to Jared. “I’m Tom. Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Jared shook his hand before sitting back, studying them again. Jensen threw him a tight smile before turning his attention back to Tom.

“You heading out?” 

“Yeah, Nancy and I are going back to my place. We saw a hot blonde over at that table complaining to her girlfriends you hadn’t noticed her all night…” Tom winked suggestively. “See you tomorrow?” 

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded at him and smiled at the woman one more time as he watched them leave. At the door, Tom turned around and gave Jensen a thumbs up before slipping out with his date.

“Best friend?” Jared asked as Jensen turned back to him.

“He’s impossible. I’m sorry.” 

“He seems fun.” Jared laughed at Jensen’s expression and was glad when the other man started to relax again. “You know… if you want to go pick up that hot blonde…”

“Oh shut up.” Jensen pushed Jared’s leg with his own, letting their knees rest together. 

“So, come here often?” Jared laughed, looking down at their knees, trying to keep the goofy smile off his face. 

“Trying to pick me up, Jared?” Jensen’s voice got deeper at he leaned forward. 

“Naw,” Jared shook his head and leaned back into the chair. “Just moved in… place is a mess… can’t really extend a proper offer.” He laughed but stopped short when Jensen licked his lower lip.

“Well… then let me.” He said and slipped off of the bar stool. “I haven’t eaten yet, I’ve probably drunk too much, but I have a take-out menu and no boxes to put away?” 

Jared opened his mouth to refuse. He was exhausted… his nap hadn’t done much with Jeff constantly bugging him. He definitely didn’t need to entertain the idea of a relationship… Hell, the only one night stands he had ended up in booty calls or long term relationships. And the last one ended well. No, he definitely wasn’t ready for this at all. 

“I’d love to.” He smiled, accepting the offer. 

“Great.” Jensen smiled back. Jared exhaled, nerves settling in his stomach. He reached back to down the rest of his beer before following Jensen back out into the city.


	2. Style

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chaptertwobanner_zps2zsoxxh4.jpg.html)

**Chapter Two: Style**  
 _“Take me home, just take me home_  
 _Just take me home._  
 _You got that James Dean day dream look in your eye_  
 _And I got that red lip classic thing that you like_  
 _And when we go crashing down, we come back every time_  
‘Style’ by Taylor Swift, 1989.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

“This is where you live?” Jared asked as they approached the large apartment building, a few blocks down from the bar.

“Yeah,” Jensen said looking up at the building for a moment before turning to look at Jared. “They are sophisticated and elegant family style apartments, you know.”

“Huh.” Jared replied, laughing as they walked through the doors that were being held open for them.

“It’s not too bad… close enough to everything I need. Some of the guys I work with live here too. That’s how I found out about it. A little pricey, but I get a living siphon from my job.” 

“Oh yeah? What do you do for work?” Jared asked as they reached the elevator at the back of the lobby.

“I’m… I’m in the Army, actually. Military Police. I’m stationed here at Fort Hamilton.” Jensen shrugged and reached over Jared to press the button for the seventh floor. He peered through his eyelashes to gauge Jared’s reaction. 

“I bet you look smokin’ in uniform.” Jared said, giving Jensen the once over. 

“Well, I have to admit…” Jensen laughed, relieved. Lately with all of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ drama, whenever he had mentioned the military to a date – it had become a long winded debate that never ended in his favor. “What about you? Any sexy uniforms?”

“Well… how do you feel about scrubs?”

“You’re a nurse? Now that’s hot.” Jensen laughed. “Does that mean we can play Doctor?”

“Seriously.” Jared rolled his eyes, relaxing against the side of the elevator as the doors opened on the fourth floor to let people on. “I’m a CRNA, Certified Nurse Anesthetist. I work in the operating rooms with the Anesthesiologist.”

“And to think I play with guns all day…” Jared smiled his response before a comfortable silence fell over them. Jared’s hair fell against his forehead, and Jensen smiled as he watched him reach up and push it back out of his eyes. Although Jensen wasn’t a huge fair of longer hair, it looked damn sexy on Jared. 

“I’m feeling Thai.” He said as the elevator dinged on his floor and opened up into the hallway. “I’m three doors down.”

“Thai sounds good to me.” Jared agreed, standing behind Jensen as he unlocked the door and held it open. “Wow.”

“It’s not much…” Jensen shrugged, shutting the door behind him. “I’ll take your jacket.” As Jared slipped the jacket off of his shoulders, Jensen shuddered as he took in the sight. Jared was wearing a tight white t-shirt that showed off every curve of his muscled back and arms. Swallowing hard, Jensen resisted the urge to shove him against the wall and have him right then and there. “Kitchen is in here, help yourself to anything you want. Living room is to the left…”

“Dude, you have guitars hanging up in your living room.” Jared made a beeline for the back wall where some of Jensen’s favorite albums and a few of his prized guitars were hanging.

“Yeah I do… my first acoustic and my first electric.” He pointed to them both in turn. “And I ended up getting that one from a Bon Jovi concert.”

“That’s seriously the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen.” Jared’s smile was huge. Jensen left Jared to admire the wall and went into the kitchen to order their food. When he came back into the living room, Jared was sitting on the couch, leaning against the arm rest.

“I ordered a few different things, I hope that’s okay.” Jensen handed Jared a beer before taking a spot beside him. “They’ll be about twenty minutes.” As they waited for their food, they talked about music. As Jared started getting into the conversation, Jensen noticed that when he was particularly excited about something he would push his hand through his hair and talked with his hands. It made Jensen want to push his own hands through Jared’s hair…

As the food arrived, they both ended up kicking off their shoes and lounging on the couches with the takeout boxes. They talked about sports, the news, weather, politics… With each new topic, Jensen found himself relaxing in the other man’s presence, happy he was able to relate and have a conversation. Most of the guys he ended up bringing back to his place were not easy to talk to, and were really only interested in one thing. Not that he wasn’t interested in that…

With everything Jared talked about, he seemed to have a passion that shone through. Even when they disagreed on something, Jensen found himself more interested in Jared’s opinion than stating his own. For the first time in a long time, Jensen wondered if perhaps it was time for him to pursue something other than a one night stand… Watching Jared talk about Obamacare and the pros and cons for hospitals, Jensen realized he could enjoy having these types of conversations with Jared more often. 

“Man.” Jared laughed, ending his tirade on the changes of Medicare and putting down his chop sticks and empty carton of Pad Thai. “I’m so friggen stuffed.”

“Tell me about it… You ate enough for the entire Army! And I would know!” Jensen leaned forward, putting his own container on the coffee table. Jared smiled, leaning his head back against the couch and letting his eyes fall closed. Jensen mirrored his position, studying his face. 

Jared opened one hazel eye, a smirk on his face that brought out his dimples. 

“Are you going to stare at me Jensen, or are you going to get over here and kiss me?” Jensen raised an eyebrow, smiling, before moving forward to settle himself between Jared’s legs. 

“I’ve wanted to do this all night…” he said, reaching up and pushing a hand through Jared’s hair and pulling his face towards his own. He pressed his lips against Jared’s, smiling against Jared’s lips as the other man’s breath caught. 

Jared reached forward, gripping the front of Jensen’s shirt and deepening the kiss. Jensen grabbed Jared’s lower lip between his teeth, sucking it gently into his mouth and eliciting a soft moan from him. Jared shifted on the couch, letting Jensen fall flush against his body. Slowly, they explored each other’s mouths, their hands roaming and pulling as they went. Jared tasted of Pad Thai, peppermint, and underneath all of that was the delicious taste of Jared himself. 

Usually, the couch ended up being a trap of tangled limbs, with his knees or elbows slipping past the cushions and digging into the springs beneath. But with Jared, even being a few inches taller than he was, they fit together perfectly. He could feel every inch of Jared pressed up against him. 

Jared’s hands pushed up underneath his shirt, fingers pressing into his back to press them closer. A sudden overwhelming desire to rip every piece of clothing of Jared’s body made him pull back, breathing hard. 

“Jared… We can move this elsewhere… if you would like.” Between each pause, Jared moved from Jensen’s lips to kiss down his neck. Jared met his eyes, biting his lower lip before nodding. 

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.” Jared kissed him once more before letting Jensen pull him off the couch and lead him into the bedroom. Jensen stopped just before the bed, turning back to face Jared. He reached forward, wrapping his arms around Jared and pulling them together once again. 

Warmth spread over Jensen’s body as he pressed against Jared, leaning up to capture his lips. It had been a long time since he had wanted anybody as badly as this. Jared was smart, he was funny, he was attractive… and Jensen couldn’t wait to see what else he could learn about him. Jensen licked along Jared’s lower lip, smiling as Jared’s mouth fell open, inviting him in. He wrapped his arms tighter around Jared, loving the way this man felt against him. 

Dropping one of his arms, Jensen grabbed the hem of his shirt and broke away long enough to pull it over his head and throw it into the floor. Jared bit his lower lip again as he looked at Jensen’s bare chest, and Jensen almost groaned out loud. Jared reached down to pull off his own shirt, revealing his extremely sexy toned chest… Jensen attacked, spinning them around and kissing his way down Jared’s chest. He pressed them back until Jared’s knees hit the back of the bed and they tumbled down together.

  
[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)   


Jared couldn’t believe he was here. Jensen’s hand felt strong against his back, leading him towards the large bedroom at the back of the apartment. He was nervous… he hadn’t been with anyone else in the last six years other than Chad. _Shut up…_ he told himself, stopping short beside Jensen. Jensen turned to him, his eyes flashing in the dim light, his pupils large.

Jensen reached around Jared’s back and Jared dipped his head lower to meet Jensen’s lips. He opened his mouth as Jensen’s tongue licked across his lower lip. Jensen’s arms were strong and full and Jared felt safe wrapped around him. 

Jensen grabbed the bottom of his shirt, ripping it off of his head and throwing it to the ground beside them. Jared bit his lip again, wanting nothing more than to run his hands up and down Jensen’s chest. This man looked perfect… He had to be dreaming. Jared reached down to pull his own shirt off over his head. As the fabric slipped from his fingers, Jensen was against him again, kissing his neck and pressing him back into the bed. 

_“You think you can leave me?” Rough hands pressed against his chest, pushing him hard back into the bed and climbing over him._

_“Chad… stop. Please…. Just get your stuff and leave.” Jared pleaded as he felt Chad tugging at the rest of his clothes._

Jared shook his head, reaching up to pull Jensen’s lips to his once again, trying to push back the memory… To focus on the feel of Jensen’s lips, his skin…

_”Shut up Jared. You’re so much prettier when you’re silent.” Chad claimed his mouth, forcing his tongue between his lips. His hands worked quickly, struggling to get off both of their jeans. Jared tried to pull back, pushing at Chad’s chest. “Don’t struggle Jared, you know you want me.”_

_“No… Chad, stop.” Pain suddenly overwhelmed his senses as Chad punched him in the side of the head. As his vision cleared, he froze against Chad’s body still pressed against his._

Jensen moaned against his mouth, pressing his hips into Jared’s. Jared focused on Jensen’s arms, strong and wrapped around him. “Jared…” Jensen whispered against his lips as Jared reached around, looping his fingers in Jensen’s jeans to keep him close. 

_”I told you.” His voice was a hot whisper against his ear, a contrast to the cool blade pressed against his neck. “I will not tell you again.”_

_Jared lay still, allowing Chad to finally get his jeans off. His head was pounding, matching his heart beat battering inside his chest, and vomit churned in his stomach as Chad began to touch him. Chad was murmuring softly as his lips pressed against Jared’s skin. Inhaling sharply, Jared realized that Chad’s hold on the knife had relaxed, and he reacted, reaching for it._

_They struggled quickly until Jared screamed. The knife had plunged into Jared’s stomach. Chad leaned against the blade to move an inch away from Jared’s face._

_“You always have to be a bad little bitch, don’t you?”_

Jared squeezed his eyes shut, the weight on top of him suddenly suffocating. Jensen’s hands were running down his bare chest, his fingertips brushing against the scar on his stomach. Nausea rolled over him. 

“Stop! Stop!” Jared yelled, pushing hard. 

“Okay!” Jensen pulled back, alarmed as he looked at Jared’s face. The confusion masking the need in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“No… I can’t.” Tears sprung to Jared’s eyes as he shook his head frantically and scambled back away from Jensen’s touch. He threw his legs over the side of the bed, looking around for his shirt. He felt like an idiot… “I’m sorry.”

“Jared, what’s wrong? Did I do something?” Panic in Jensen’s voice nearly broke his heart. All he ever did was ruin things…

“No, it’s me. I’m so sorry Jensen. I have to go.” Jensen was calling after him as he ran out of the room, stopping in the living room to grab his shoes. He could hear Jensen coming after him as he threw himself out into the hallway and ran to the elevator. 

“Stupid… stupid…” He whispered, tears burning his eyes as he slammed the elevator button.

“Jared! Please, wait!” Jensen yelled, popping his head into the hallway. Jared looked at him, panicked as the elevator dinged it’s arrival. 

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head and stepped forward, pressing the close button and shrinking back against the far wall. Jared could still hear Jensen calling his name as the elevator began to sink. He closed his eyes, pressing back against the cool wall before the doors opened and released him. 

He fumbled with his keys, nearly dropping them his hands were shaking so badly. As he let himself into the apartment, he turned around and locked and dead bolted the door. 

_Thanks for convincing me to go out. Had a real great night. My date thinks I’m a freak, I’m sure._ He texted Jeff, pushing the send button and instantly regretting it as the message displayed sent. _Sorry… not your fault. Call you tomorrow._

It was completely unfair to blame his brother. Jeff only wanted what was best for him… How was he to know how fucked up Jared actually was? He held the power button and walked into the kitchen, sliding the phone onto the counter. He opened the fridge before realizing he had never gotten groceries, or more importantly, beer. Sighing, he let the door slam shut, plunging himself back into darkness. 

He pressed his forehead against the fridge and realized he was still carrying his shirt and shoes in one hand. Jensen has got to think he’s a total lunatic. He dropped his shoes and shirt in front of the refrigerator and kicked his jeans into the pile as well. 

Nothing like you’re date having a mental breakdown and running out of your apartment half naked to ruin the mood. And of course, they just had to live in the same apartment building. Jared made his way to the bedroom, crawling back underneath the comforter. He never should have gone out…

For once, Jared was glad he had accepted the new position for the night shift. Hopefully, he would never run into Jensen in the lobby. How completely mortifying that would be… Jared closed his eyes, hugging the comforter closer to his body. 

The night had been going too well anyways… Jensen was pretty much perfect, way better than he deserved. No way in hell would Jared have ever been able to talk about half the things he talked about with Jensen tonight with Chad. For the past six years, most of the conversations he had entertained with people outside of his family had been work related, and by that, Chad’s work related. Jensen seemed genuinely interested in the things Jared had to say… plus, he had an amazing body. 

Jared lifted his fingers, pressing them against his lips. If he closed his eyes he could almost imagine Jensen still pressed against them. He sighed letting his hand fall back down. He reached back under the covers to trace the scar on his stomach. 

After Chad had finished with him, he had called the police to report his boyfriend had been stabbed. The knife had pierced his stomach and part of his large intestine. Two surgeries later, a few meetings with a lawyer, and six weeks in physical rehab, Jared was completely cleared as healed and Chad was behind bars. He had no lasting side effects, save from the slight numbness below the scar… but the scar ran much deeper than his abdominal wall. 

He was broken, completely broken. That much, at least, was clear. Jensen, as far as he could tell, was the completely opposite from Chad in every way. Even though both of them were employed in law enforcement, they couldn’t be more different. He couldn’t lie to himself… even after everything, with Jensen completely wrapped around him, Jared still felt incredibly guilty for getting Chad arrested. This was the man that at one point, he would have done anything for. Even after the drinking and the hitting began… Nausea once against rolled through his stomach. He was never going to be free…

“Fuck.” He whispered out loud and finally let the tears fall.

  
[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)   


“Shut the fuck up Tom.” Jensen whispered hotly, anger flashing in his eyes as he looked back over his shoulder at his friend. “I told you to back the fuck off about it.”

“You’re getting too pissy Jenny boy.” Tom laughed, catching up with him. They were at the local track for their surprise PT test. Jensen bit his tongue, pressing his legs harder as he burst into a sprint, leaving Tom laughing behind him.

“Time.” He panted at the sergeant tasked with timing their runs.

“13:43.” Came the reply. Jensen nodded, reaching down on the bench behind him to pick up a towel and wipe down his face and neck. 

“Wait up.” Tom jogged up beside him, wiping his own face down. “Dude, seriously, I was just kidding.”

“I didn’t tell you to get made fun of.” Jensen fired at him, punching his shoulder. “I still wish I knew what I did…”

“Maybe she’ll be at the bar again?” Tom shrugged, opening the door as they reached the shower building. “You could just ask her.”

Jensen nodded, walking into the building and moving towards his locker for his shower bag. Although he hadn’t told Tom _who_ he had brought home, he did explain that right as things got hot and heavy, his date had high tailed it out of his apartment. Even with Tom treating the entire thing as a joke, for the past three days all Jensen was able to do was obsess over it. 

From his perspective… things seemed to be going great. He found himself thinking about Jared quite often… the way he felt, the way he pushed his hair back, his smile and his laugh… He sighed, stripping out of his PT clothes and turning on the water. 

“Dude, just forget about her. Maybe you just brought home a crazy chick.”

“No…” Jensen shook his head. Jared wasn’t crazy. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure of it. Something had happened to Jared. Was that why he moved to New York? Although it didn’t really matter—Jensen was never going to see Jared again – it made him curious to know what had scared him so badly and angry that someone would inflict that type of pain. 

“I can give you Nancy’s number if you want.” Tom shrugged, stepping under his own spray.

“I’ll pass on your sloppy seconds.” Jensen rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the small smile that crept to his lips. The conversation was over as Tom started singing some country song and allowing Jensen to retreat back into his own thoughts. 

“Are we going out tonight?” Tom as they followed the rest of their unit to final formation. They moved to their individual teams, waiting for the First Sergeant to address them. 

“Not really feeling it tonight…” Jensen shook his head and then sighed as he saw Tom’s expression. “I’ll think about it.”

“What if I’m buying?” Dom asked before looking forward as the First Sergeant came to stand before them. 

“Fall in!” He waited as the final stragglers from the shower hall fell into line. “At ease. Good job today, soldiers. We had an overall passing score of 95% for the PT test. We will be doing equipment checks on Monday, so make sure you log into your AKO account for the required equipment list. You do not need to bring everything in, New York State would not appreciate four hundred footlockers clogging up their subways, but make sure your list is accurate. Be safe this weekend, remember you are always a representative of the United States Army and I will not be pleased to hear of any indiscretions like last weekend.”

They all said “Yes, Sergeant!” before they were released. 

“Sergeant Ackles, Sergeant Welling.” Both Jensen and Tom turned around as the First Sergeant approached them. “We are taking volunteers for an upcoming tour to Afghanistan. We will be deploying mid-August. As Platoon Sergeants I would like you to inform the Team Leaders and get a list of who would like to sign up for me by Monday.”

“Yes, Sergeant.” Jensen said in unison with Tom. The First Sergeant nodded to them before turning back around to find the other two Platoon Sergeants in the unit. 

“We’re totally fucking going.” Tom said, slamming his hand against Jensen’s back when they were out of earshot. “Dude, you know you can’t let me go alone.”

“My mother is going to flip out.” Jensen rolled his eyes at how excited his friend was. “Where do you think they’ll send us?”

“I don’t know… Probably Bagram if I had to guess. We’ll find out soon I suppose. So you’re going to sign up?” 

“You think I would let you have all of the fun?” Jensen asked, pushing away from Tom as his friend did a fist pump in the air. “You’re so lame, Welling.

“Whatever, Jackles.” Tom laughed, throwing his arm around Jensen’s shoulder and pulling him into his side. “Now you totally have to go out with me tonight to celebrate. You know how many chicks dig the soldier thing?”

“You are the absolute lowest form of low.” Jensen laughed, but agreed nonetheless. Jensen sighed, listening to Tom go on about how he was going to use this to his advantage to fuck as many girls as possible before they left. Promising to meet him in half an hour, Jensen finally broke free from him and headed for home. 

As he stepped into his apartment, he saw Jared’s coat still hanging in the closet. He sighed, running his hand down the fabric slowly. What was wrong with him? He felt like he was a teenager again, crushing after the football star. He dropped the arm of Jared’s coat and moved to his bedroom to change. 

Maybe tonight he would pick up someone and he could erase the feeling of Jared pressed against him. It was ridiculous to pine over someone who so very obviously was not interested in him. He picked up guys for a reason – no relationship, no mess, and no one had to find out that he wasn’t looking for the typical wife, two point five kids, and a picket fence. As he left the apartment he tried to ignore the hopeful feeling that maybe, just maybe, Jared would find him at the bar again.


	3. Blank Space

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/Chapterthreebanner_zpsdwmgqier.jpg.html)

**Chapter Three: Blank Space**  
 _“So it’s gonna be forever, or it’s gonna go down in flames_  
 _You can tell me when it’s over_  
 _If the high was worth the pain_  
 _…_  
 _’Cause we’re young and we’re reckless_  
 _We’ll take this way too far_  
 _It will leave you breathless_  
 _Or with a nasty scar.”_  
Blank Space by Taylor Swift, 1989

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

It had been two weeks since he had arrived to the city, and Jared was finally starting to get into a routine. He worked three scheduled shifts a week, Monday, Thursday and Friday, and had his first on-call weekend coming up. Usually he had been out of work and back at his apartment right before 7am hit. Last night however, they had four emergency cases. Even with the busy case load, Jared managed to only go a half hour over his shift. He grabbed his street clothes from his locker, shoved them into his messenger bag, and decided he would change and shower at home today.

Lennox Hospital was only around four blocks away from Jared’s apartment – a ten minute walk at most. He slung his bag up over his shoulder and stepped out onto the city streets, the June heat already starting to swelter despite it being so early in the morning. He had the next two days off before his next shift… and no excuse not to finish unpacking the rest of his house. He made a pit stop at a Starbucks for a coffee and allowed himself to get lost in planning which boxes to take apart until he reached the front doors of his building. 

Marcus was waiting for him, as usual, with a smile on his face as he pushed open the golden doors. 

“Good Morning, Mr. Padalecki! Long night?” He asked, seeing Jared was still in scrubs. 

“Not too bad… but I am not unhappy that my bed is only a few more steps!” Marcus laughed his agreement and moved to open the door for someone else. 

“Have a good day, Mr. Ackles.”

“Thanks Mark!” Jared froze as the familiar voice washed over him. He turned slightly and was face to face with Jensen. “Jared?”

“Uh, hello Jensen.” Jared swallowed hard, taking a step back away from the doors, knowing full well that Jensen would follow. This was definitely not something he had been expecting this morning…. The frist week of work, every morning Jared had been terrified he would bump into Jensen in the lobby or get trapped with him on the elevator. 

“So…” Jensen cleared his throat, positioning himself directly in front of Jared when Jared stopped moving. “You live here too? How are you?” 

“Yeah… I’m good, you?” He tried to smile but knew it probably looked more pained than pleasant. Jared couldn’t decipher the look in Jensen’s eyes… He had his arms crossed over his chest and was wearing his army uniform. Jensen _did_ look sexy in uniform. Jared bit his lower lip and then sighed. “Look, I’m really sorry about the other night. I shouldn’t have just bolted…. It’s just not the right time for me, you know? And I shouldn’t have…” He trailed off as Jensen held up a hand. 

“You don’t owe me any explanation, it’s really okay.” Jared nodded, surprised at the pang of disappointment he felt in his chest. Jensen exhaled slowly, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. He looked up to meet Jared’s eyes, a determination in them. He reached out, grabbing Jared’s hand and turning it up. “You left before I was able to give you this… I’d like to do dinner again.” He jotted his number down on Jared’s palm. 

“Jensen…” Jared started, looking down at the number and immediately missing the warmth of the other man’s hand. 

“Just dinner, Jared.” Jensen promised, shoving the pen into one of the pockets on his jacket. “No expectations… I really enjoyed chatting with you. I have to go, I’m already running late. Just text me, or call me, okay?” Jared mumbled okay, still looking at the number. That was definitely not what he expected. When he looked up, Jensen was waving goodbye to Marcus and waving an arm for a cab. 

In the elevator, Jared stared at his palm, torn between licking his thumb to rub it off, and giving a fist pump in the air. If he was completely honest with himself, there hadn’t been a day he hadn’t thought of Jensen at least once. Every time he went into the lobby, he did a scan of the people, seeking him out. He told himself it was so he could avoid the other man and potential embarrassment. In reality, he knew he just wanted to see those green eyes again. 

He sighed, stepping out onto his floor. There was something wrong with him. He was the one who left, running out like a lunatic. What right did he have to pine over something that he chose to mess up? He let himself into the apartment and threw himself over the couch, pulling out his phone. Should he text him?

He leaned his head against the arm rest and closed his eyes. He had meant what he said… it wasn’t the right time for a relationship, if anything, two weeks ago proved that. If he had thought about Jensen once a day? He had been reminded of Chad at least five times a day. 

But Jensen _had_ just said dinner… He _had_ enjoyed their conversation. Jensen was more than just a pretty face and nice body – he was smart, funny, and opinionated. He actually listened to the things Jared had to say. 

He needed to make friends… and Jensen said no expectations. It was an extension of friendship… that started off as a botched one night stand. That was perfectly normal, right? Hanging out with him wasn’t going to be the end of the world.

 _It’s Jared. I’m free tonight. If you want, I can make you dinner?_ He typed the text and then added Jensen’s number to his phone. As it sent, a moment of panic went through him. Should he have waited? Jensen had given him his number not even ten minutes ago. He didn’t want to seem desperate, or send the wrong message. Maybe he should text him again and emphasize the friendship thing…

“Jared, stop.” He muttered to himself, tossing the phone on the couch beside him. He glanced at it, waiting to see if it would light up with a response. Jensen wasn’t texting him back… maybe he thought Jared was coming on too strong by texting too soon? Jared bit his lower lip and grabbed the phone again, opening the message thread. The message displayed received, but as Jensen didn’t have an iPhone, Jared would just have to wait for a response to know if it had been read. 

Why was he anxious over this? He laughed at himself and put the phone back down. There was nothing to be anxious over. He was going to have Jensen over for dinner, so they could talk and relax. It would be nice to have someone over to talk to instead of bugging his parents or his brother and sister. Plus, it would give him a bit more drive to unpack… Pushing off the couch, Jared stripped out of his scrubs and climbed into bed. He would sleep for a few hours and then get to work putting things away. 

He set his alarm on his phone for 2pm and hesitated before turning the phone’s sound on. It Jensen replied, he wanted to know. Jared rolled over, pulling an extra pillow over his head and closed his eyes. His stomach still twisted in knots and he checked the phone three more times to make sure the sound really was on and that he hadn’t missed anything coming through. 

When his phone rang, he jumped, ripping it out from under the pillow and from the cord in the wall. 

“Hello?”

“Hello… why do you sound so excited? Miss me that much?” Jeff laughed on the other line and Jared groaned, sinking back into the pillows.

“I was sleeping.” He replied, letting his eyes fall closed and trying to ignore the sinking feeling of frustration. 

“You sound like you were expecting someone.” Jeff said, chuckling.

“No… just got home from work. So I’m just settling in to get some sleep. What’s up?”

“Just hadn’t talked to you in a few days… have you seen lover boy around?”

“No. Don’t call him that.” Jared snapped, and then felt guilty. “I don’t really find that funny.”

“Just a question Jay, calm down. I know you were worried about bumping into him. Maybe you should go and see him, try again or something.” Jeff was trying to sound indifferent but Jared knew what the call was really for.

“You talked to Mom, didn’t you.” It wasn’t a question. When Jeff silence was the only reply, Jared groaned again. “Dude, I can’t tell any of you anything without you all talking about it. Am I the only topic of conversation at the dinner table?”

“She’s just worried about you. We all are, man. When shit got hard, you bolted across the country! And I completely understand, but it’s hard for us to know if you’re okay. Anyways, I just think that from what mom was saying, you seemed to kind of like this guy.” Jeff sighed and Jared could see him sitting at his kitchen table, head in his hands. 

“I’m not trying to stress you guys out…” Jared said softly, unexpected tears springing to his eyes. “I’m sorry I messed everything up by leaving.”

“Jay, stop blaming yourself for everything. You aren’t the one who messed up anything. It’s that prick who deserves to be blamed and to feel sorry, not you.” Jared could tell Jeff was trying to reign in his anger, holding back from yelling. 

“Doesn’t really feel that way.” Jared whispered, silence falling between them. Jared ran a hand over his face, sighing. “You can tell mom I am seeing him again.” He said after a minute. 

“What? You are?” Jeff said, surprise evident in his voice. “That’s great Jay! Like, a date?”

“No… I’m just making him dinner… I need friends, right?” 

“Yeah, of course.” Jeff agreed. Jared could practically see him beaming on the other end. “Just friends though?” 

“Don’t be pushy, Jeff. I’m not ready for a relationship. I think trusting someone to be in my house for a few hours is already pushing it.” Jared mumbled, fear settling in the pit of his stomach. “Shit, Jeff. I shouldn’t have him over here.”

“Jared, not everyone is going to be like Chad.” Jeff said quickly. “You can’t hold everyone to that standard, you’re going to drive yourself crazy.”

“I’m already crazy.”

“Shut up. You’re not fucking crazy.” Jeff paused for a moment. “If you’re not comfortable with the guy at your house Jay? Then change the plans. You need to trust your gut. Do you remember before things got bad with Chad that conversation we had camping? You always need to trust your gut, you should have trusted it back then.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jared sighed, biting his lower lip. “It’s just dinner.”

“Good, Jay. You’ll have fun. It will be nice to have a friend again, you know? But if he’s into the Mets, you can’t be his friend.”

“He’s from Texas too.” Jared laughed. 

“Good, then he will like the correct sports teams.” Jeff said, Jared smiling at his brother’s tone. “I’ll let you get some sleep… But Jay? If you need me, you just let me know, okay? I will fly out there if you need me, no questions asked. And if this guy does anything? I’ll kill him.”

“Love you, Jeff. I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?” 

“Love you man. Have fun tonight, and relax.” 

Jared hung up the phone and sighed. He chewed on the inside of his lip, thinking about Jensen. There wasn’t any reason to be nervous… Jensen wasn’t Chad. Hell, they weren’t even in a relationship. There was nothing to be worried about, he was in complete control here.

_I would love to. I’ll bring the wine. I’ll be there at 6. – J_

As Jared’s phone lit up with the message, his heart skipped a beat and he couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face. Oh yeah, complete control.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

“Dude, why are you so happy?” Tom punched Jensen’s shoulder, snapping his attention back.

“No reason.” Jensen smiled, tucking his phone back into his pocket. He hadn’t expected Jared to text him back today at all, even though he had been hopeful and had been checking his phone nearly every five minutes, just in case. 

“You’re so strange.” Tom rolled his eyes. “You get your list yet?”

“Yeah, I have to go drop it off still. Had to get the last few to sign their names. How about you?” Jensen turned to look up at his friend who was shoving his hands deep into the multiple pockets on his pants. Finally, he found what he was looking for and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. 

“Got it.” Tom smiled, trying to smooth out the paper. 

“That’s professional.” Jensen rolled his eyes and took it from Tom’s hands. “I’ll meet you at the range. Qualifications today.” Tom nodded at him and took off in the other direction. Jensen made his way to the large brick building of offices where he knew the First Sergeant would be. 

“Sergeant Ackles.” Jensen stood at attention, saluting as First Sergeant Morgan met him at the door. “At ease.”

“First Sergeant.” Jensen nodded at him. “I have the list of both my and Sergeant Welling’s teams that are volunteering for deployment.” Morgan took the pages from Jensen and chuckled. 

“I guess we know which one came from Sergeant Welling.” Jensen nodded and waited as Morgan scanned the names on the pages. “Follow me.” He said after a moment, turning around to walk down the hallway. He found an empty room and waved to a chair set up in front of a desk. “How do you like the sound of Staff Sergeant Ackles?”

“Sir?” Jensen asked, lowering himself into the chair. “I think it sounded better than Sergeant and Specialist.” 

“How would you feel about Sergeant First Class?” Jensen’s eyes shot up as he looked at Morgan carefully.

“What?” He asked, then quickly added, “Sir?”

“I see you have volunteered for this deployment, and after your experience and performance of your last tour… that makes us very happy. Now, nothing is official yet, but it had been suggested and received in good favor, to promote you. How would you feel about that?”

“I… I don’t know what to say, Sir.” Jensen said after a moment, heart racing in his chest as he tried to process. “Excuse me Sir… but seriously? Me?”

“You think the commander should be looking at someone else?” Morgan chuckled and shook his head. “Your modesty is one of the reasons why your team likes you so much, Ackles. I need a new senior tactical advisor when we go over, Sergeant Duff is leaving us this fall and will not be deploying. I think you would be perfect for the position.” He pushed up out of his chair and pulled his beret out of his pocket. “Now, I believe we have qualifications to oversee?” Jensen pulled himself to his feet and followed him out of the building, still shocked. First Sergeant Morgan nodded at him before taking his leave and leaving Jensen standing in the middle of the parking lot before the building. He laughed to himself, not believing the turn this day had taken. 

He had gotten to see Jared, set up a dinner date, and was getting promoted. He headed towards the shooting range, not caring to keep the smile from his face.

***

“So, you never answered me about tonight.” Tom threw himself into a seat as they climbed into the subway. Jensen smiled kindly at a woman, and waved his hand to give her the seat beside Tom. He stood in front of his friend, leaning against a bar as the Subway lurched forward.

“I have plans.” Jensen smirked at his friend. “So no, I can’t go with you to the bar.”

“Plans? With who? You know you can’t resist me.” Tom shoved his lower lip out, pretending to be hurt. “Who’s the lucky lady?”

“Who says it’s a lady?” Jensen said without thinking, then quickly moved to cover his mistake. “I could have a hot date with Netflix and a frozen pizza. I can’t spend every day with you, people will start to think we’re an _item_.”

“You would be lucky to have me, darling.” Tom emphasized ‘darling’ with his poor attempt of a thick Texan drawl. “But seriously man, you have a date?”

“I have dinner plans, not a date.” Jensen nodded, bracing himself as the Subway came to a halt. 

“Right. So you’re not going to plan on getting your dick wet?” Tom rolled his eyes, throwing his arm over the back of the seat of the woman beside him. He gave her a wink before turning his attention back to Jensen. 

“You’re impossible, you know that?” Jensen had long gotten over being embarrassed over the things that came out of his friend’s mouth. The woman beside him, however, looked revolted and eyed the train for the closest available exit. 

“Just know what I want, Jen.” Tom shrugged, checking out the woman’s backside as she made a beeline for an empty seat across the car. “All yours, buddy.” Jensen rolled his eyes and took the empty seat. 

“Ever think about settling down? Having a real date instead of just drunken sex?”

“Dude, if a chick can make an impression on me after a night of shit faced sex? I’d marry her.” 

“Again, you’re impossible.”

“So… is that what this is?” Tom asked, eying him carefully. “You’re thinking of having an actual relationship?”

“I don’t know. Why do I have to put a label on it? I’m having dinner.” Jensen shrugged. If it just so happened to turn into a relationship… That thought sent fear tumbling through Jensen’s stomach. After one night of just being in Jared’s company, he had found himself thinking nonstop about the younger man, and not just the feel of his lips or his body. Although those had gotten him through a few quick orgasms in the shower imaging what the night _could_ have resulted in, he found himself seeing things around him that he instantly thought Jared would find interesting and wanted to share with him. 

There no reason to be nervous. This is just dinner. Jared made it clear, in more ways than one, that he wasn’t ready to pursue a romantic relationship. They could just start out as friends… Jensen needed friends, everyone needed friends. It didn’t matter that this was possibly one of the hottest friends that Jensen would ever have, or that he was all Jensen could think about. 

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to pull back on his emotions. It had been far too long since he had felt something more than lust for another person. Lust, sex, was easy and safe. Relationships were messy and painful… his last relationship hadn’t exactly ended that well… 

_”I can’t do this anymore, Jensen.” Tears streamed down his boyfriend’s face as he ripped clothes out of the drawers of their dresser and shoved them into an oversized duffel bag._

_“Baby,” Jensen pleaded, “I didn’t know that was going to happen…”_

_“That’s because it shouldn’t have Jensen!” The other man spun around, anger in his eyes. “We should be able to walk down the street holding hands. I should be able to lean over the table and kiss you at dinner. I shouldn’t have to worry about what I say in front of your so-called friends. I shouldn’t have to walk out of work to have ‘faggot’ scraped across my car.”_

_“Adam…” Jensen closed his eyes against the tears blinding him. “I’m so sorry baby… We will get the car fixed. I can talk to –“_

_“No, Jensen.” Adam turned back around to finish packing his clothes. “I’m done pretending I’m your brother to get onto base. You know where I’m from, no one bats an eye if you’re gay. Sure, you always have people that are going to be homophobic, but here? You’re lucky to find one person who accepts you.”_

_“You can’t leave me Adam… We can fix this. I want to make you happy.”_

_“Then come with me. I’m not staying here. You can come with me or you can stay here.” Adam zipped up the bag and turned to face Jensen for the last time._

_“You know that I can’t.” Jensen swallowed hard. Adam nodded. He knew that. He knew Jensen had no control over where he lived or where he went, he knew Jensen would try to make things easier for them, he knew Jensen would come up with another plan to keep them safe and keep them happy. Adam kissed him softly before walking out of Jensen’s life forever._

_Jensen shut the still opened drawers to the dresser and sat on the edge of the bed. Adam was right… Being here in Texas, being in the military, being in a position of some power at his job… He had to be two different people. And he couldn’t be the one he was with Adam… He sighed and stood to get the trash can from the kitchen, carefully sweeping away any trace of Adam and their relationship that had been left behind._

“Well, let me know how just dinner works out for you.” Tom said, pushing himself up as the subway came to its next stop. Jensen blinked out of his thoughts, nodding quickly to Tom. “I’ll ask you about all the juicy details for the after dinner entertainment tomorrow.”

“Bye Tom.” Jensen laughed, pulling out his phone as Tom exited the train. It was just dinner, they were just friends.

 _White or red?_ He texted Jared, butterflies spinning in his stomach as he waited for a reply. He knew he was being ridiculous… but that didn’t stop the goofy grin from spreading on his face when Jared replied _White!_. 

Jensen got off the subway and walked to Agata and Valentia, a small specialty store on the corner beside his building. Although they were on the pricey side, even for New York City, Jensen had never had a better pastry than the ones he bought here. He browsed the wine section, selecting a simple pinot grigio and made his way to the back of the store. He browsed the case for a moment before making his selection. 

“Evening Mark.” He smiled as the door was pressed open for him. 

“Busy tonight?” Marcus asked, looking at the bottle of wine and box he was carrying. 

“Yes, Sir.” Jensen smiled at him and made his way to the elevator. He rode it to his floor and sent Jared a quick text. 

_Just showering and changing. What number are you?_ Jensen stripped out of his uniform, throwing it over the bathroom door, and jumped under the hot spray. He washed quickly, eager to be in Jared’s company. He dried off, pulling on a pair of jeans and a simple navy t-shirt.

 _515E. Door is unlocked, can’t leave the sauce_. Jensen read the text before shoving the phone into his pocket. He went back to the bathroom again, running a hand through his hair so it shot up in wet spikes. He smoothed out his shirt and then sighed. If it was just dinner, why was he so nervous about how he looked? Pulling himself away from his reflection he grabbed the bottle of wine and box from the counter, only stopping at the closet to grab Jared’s coat he had left. 

He rode the elevator down a floor and hiked Jared’s coat higher up on his arm as he inhaled deeply, standing before Jared’s door. He tucked the bottle of wine under his arm to rap twice on the door before pushing it open. 

“You got this.” He whispered to himself, reminding himself it was _just_ dinner.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

“Hey!” Jared called out from the kitchen, feeling his body tense up as he heard Jensen knock at the door.

“Hey.” Jensen called back, appearing in the kitchen a few minutes later. “God, that smells amazing.”

“I hope you don’t mind pasta… Chicken and broccoli alfredo? It’s pretty much the only dish I can make that doesn’t come from a bunch of different boxes.” Jared smiled over his shoulder at Jensen. 

“I brought wine, dessert, and your jacket.” Jensen raised each in turn, laying the first two on the counter top. 

“Oh.” Jared felt his cheeks burn red. “Forgot to grab that, didn’t I?” Jensen smiled at him and out of the doorway into the living room. 

“It took me literately three months to get all of my boxes unpacked. How the hell did you do this so quickly?” Jensen padded out into the living room and Jared realized he must have kicked his shoes off at the door. 

“Well… I have four days off a week… I can only stare at the boxes for so long.” He replied, reaching above his head to grab a strainer from the cabinet. He pulled the sauce he had been stirring off of the heat and grabbed a pot of pasta to drain in the sink. He shook out the pasta before dumping it into the pot of sauce, adding the chicken and broccoli. From the oven he pulled out a loaf of garlic bread. 

“Need any help?” Jensen asked reappearing without the jacket. 

“Almost done… I ordered a kitchen table, but it hasn’t gotten here yet. Do you have any qualms about sitting in the living room?”

“Nope, if there’s food, I’m happy.” Jensen laughed. Jared swallowed hard, watching as Jensen leaned back against the counter, crossing his legs at his ankles. Jensen’s small smirk had Jared wondering if he knew how sexy he was and was purposefully driving him crazy.

“Self serve.” He said, reaching into the cabinet to grab three plates and handing one to Jensen. He grabbed their silverware as Jensen moved to the pot of alfredo and started scooping a helping onto his plate. “I’ll bring in the garlic bread.” 

“I’ve got the wine!” Jensen said picking up the bottle and his plate and moving on towards the living room. Jared served himself, and then cut up the garlic bread, piling it onto a plate. As he turned to head to the living room he almost slammed into Jensen. 

“Sorry!” Jensen smiled, reaching out to grab Jared’s shoulder’s to steady him. “Where are the wine glasses and corkscrew?”

“Glasses are in… that cabinet I think?” Jared nodded his head in the direction he believed he put them away in. “Corkscrew is in the drawer by the stove.” He went into the living room, Jensen following close behind him. He sat down, watching as Jensen opened up the wine and poured them both a glass. 

“So…” Jensen cleared his throat and raised up his glass. “To new friends.” He said after a moment, clinking glasses with Jared. 

“New friends.” Jared smiled back, relieved when Jensen started to eat. He relaxed back into the couch, picking up his own plate, willing himself to stop being so nervous. 

“Oh my god, this is so good.” Jensen said, closing his eyes as he took another bite. Jared smiled at him, watching the way he pulled the fork from his mouth, the way his eyes rolled back slightly before he closed them. Jared exhaled slowly, his own plate of food forgotten. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought if watching the other man simply eat made him want to crawl across the couch and press his lips against him. “I don’t think I’ve ever had alfredo this good.” Jensen opened his eyes again, making Jared look away quickly. 

“Yeah? Thanks… good!” He stammered, forcing a smile as he reached for a piece of bread. “Want a piece?” Jensen nodded, chuckling as he accepted the bread from Jared. 

“So…” Jensen said, taking a bite of his bread. “How’s it been so far? I remember when I first moved up here, it took a bit for me to get settled.”

“Not too bad… I work at the hospital right down the street, so I’ve been able to stay pretty close… only branching out when I feel ready for it.” Jensen nodded, understanding completely how overwhelming the city could be. Jared knew that even though they were both from large cities in Texas, there was nowhere else quite like New York City. 

“So what made you move to the city?” Jensen asked after a moment, reaching for his wine.

“Oh, well…” Jared felt his stomach tighten. He should have expected this question… “I, uh… had a bad relationship experience… Couldn’t stay there anymore.” Silence fell over them and Jared waited for the next question. When nothing came, he slowly looked up to see Jensen staring at him sadly. 

“Yeah… I know exactly how that is.” He said, almost bitterly, before taking another sip of his wine. “That’s why I asked for a transfer. Fresh start, right?” He gave Jared a brilliant smile. “What do you like most about the city?”

And with that, the awkwardness was forgotten. Jared was glad Jensen hadn’t pushed the subject of Chad. If he had a bad experience… he probably completely understood not wanting to talk about it. They ate the rest of their dinner, Jensen telling Jared about the ‘go-to’ and ‘never step foot in, ever’ of the shops and restaurants around their building. 

“I actually got us dessert from that store right around the corner. They have the best pastries around, I’m not even kidding. I saw this in the display case, and I couldn’t help myself.” They had moved to the kitchen, Jensen was washing their plates while Jared was putting away the leftovers. “I hope you like chocolate… I’ve got a sweet tooth like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Who doesn’t like chocolate?” Jared laughed, pulling two more plates out from the cabinet. 

“Okay, good.” Jensen smiled, reaching behind himself to grab a knife from the drawer. Jared laughed to himself—Jensen almost knew the kitchen better than he did. “Look at this beauty.” He pulled the top of the box off to reveal a simple looking chocolate cake. “Chocolate silk cake, it looks simple, but it’s anything but.”

“Well, are you going to cut it or not?” Jared asked, putting the plates beside the box. Jensen laughed, cutting them both two huge slices and handing Jared a fork. 

“Bon Appetit.” Jensen’s attempt at a French accent made Jared laugh and roll his eyes at him. 

“Come on.” He nudged at Jensen’s arm to get him back into the living room. “How do you feel about The Walking Dead?” He asked as he took his spot back on the couch. Jensen threw himself on the cushion beside him, Jared’s heart soaring when he noticed he had been a little closer than when they ate dinner. 

“Blood, guts and zombies?” Jensen said, taking a huge bite of his cake. “Who doesn’t love that shit?” He said while chewing.

“Dude.” Jared laughed, picking up the remote and flicking through his recorded shows. “I worked last night so I missed it…”

“I won’t spoil anything then.” Jensen said, putting on a serious face. “I wouldn’t want to give it away that a zombie dies.”

“Shut up.” Jared laughed, shoving his shoulder against him. Jensen straightened himself out, laughing. Jared finished his cake and took both of their plates to the kitchen. On the way back he flicked the lights out, leaving only the hallway on. “Okay with you?” he asked as he sat back down.

“If I get too scared, you might have to hold me.” Jensen joked, focusing his attention on the TV. Jared chuckled, turning to the show. Jensen shifted his weight on the couch, curling his legs up underneath him and causing him to lean in closer to Jared. Again, Jared wondered if he was doing this on purpose. 

Jared was finding it incredibly difficult to focus on the show and was glad it was recorded so he could watch it again later. Instead, he was engrossed in watching Jensen’s facial expressions as they changed throughout each of the scenes he was watching. 

More than once, he caught himself pulling back from running a hand through Jensen’s hair or across his shoulders. He was the one who made it clear he wasn’t ready for a relationship… He sighed, causing Jensen to look up at him in confusion. 

“You okay, Jared?” He asked, sitting up a little to face him.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just didn’t get much sleep…” He shrugged, offering Jensen a small smile.

“Well, it’s getting kind of late anyways.” Jensen let his legs fall of the couch to sit up fully, stretching his arms over his head, pulling his shirt up to show a tanned strip of his stomach. “I have to report at 0700.”

“Right.” Jared nodded in agreement, ignoring how disappointed he felt. He realized he didn’t want Jensen to leave yet… “I’m really glad you came over for dinner.”

“I’m really glad you texted me.” Jensen laughed before continuing. “I honestly didn’t know if you were going to.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Jared asked, confused. 

“Well…” Jensen shrugged. “I didn’t know if I did something wrong the last time we… hung out. So I was worried you would immediately ditch my number and try to pretend I didn’t exist.”

“No.” Jared whispered, guilt swimming through him as he realized Jensen had been blaming himself for two weeks. “I am sorry I ran out like that… It really wasn’t you, as cliché as that sounds.”

“I understand.” Jensen said, reaching over to squeeze Jared’s leg. “I know that when I first moved here… I pushed myself to try and find something else really quick… and I wasn’t ready. And…” He stopped for a moment, shaking his head. “Anyways, I understand. And I’m just glad you gave me a second chance to be your friend, instead of remembering me as the horny guy from a bar.” Jensen winked at him and pushed off of the couch. 

Jared waited a moment, unsure of what to say before following him into the hallway. Jensen was stooped down, tying up his sneakers. He opened his mouth, then closed it.

“So,” Jensen straightened up, turning to face him. “Next time I’ll make you dinner? I can make Kraft… and Hamburger helper…”

“If you bring dessert again, I’ll make the main course.” Jared said laughing, glad Jensen wanted to see him again – even if he had just completely emphasized they were on a friend basis. Jared moved to open the door to allow him out, ignoring the stab of pain he felt. He had ruined any chance of a relationship with Jensen. It was surprising how much that thought hurt. 

“Jared?” Jensen asked, taking a step closer to him, concern etched into his face. 

“I’ll text you sometime tomorrow.” Jared smiled, squeezing Jensen’s shoulder. “I hope you have a good rest of your night.” Jensen nodded slowly, chewing on his lower lip as if thinking. 

“I don’t usually kiss on the first date…” Jensen trailed off. He closed the space between the two of them, pressing Jared’s back into the opened door. He tipped his head up, meeting Jared’s lips in a soft kiss. Jared kissed him back, heart hammering in his chest. Before he knew it, Jensen pulled back, smiling. “But, this could probably be considered a second date. Goodnight Jared.” 

“Goodnight Jensen.” Jared


	4. All You Had To Do Was Stay

  
[](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chapterfourbanner_zps4d6sw26g.jpg.html)   


**Chapter Four: All You Had to do Was Stay**  
 _”Here you are now, calling me up_  
 _But I don’t know what to say_  
 _I’ve been picking up the pieces, of the mess you made_  
 _People like you, always want back_  
 _The love they pushed aside_  
 _But people like me are gone forever_  
All You Had To Do Was Stay by Taylor Swift, 1989

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

“Dude, I’m so going to kick your ass tonight.” Jensen laughed, holding the phone with his shoulder against his ear as he fumbled with his keys. “I’m just stopping at my place to grab the game.”

“Well hurry up! Beer’s getting warm.” Jared’s laughed back at him, the sound warming every corner of Jensen’s body. 

“Be right down, are you always this impatient?”

“It’s one of my more charming qualities.” Jared quipped before hanging up.

“Charming.” Jensen chuckled to himself as he tossed his jacket in a living room chair and grabbed his extra controller and copy of Destiny. The moment he reached Jared’s door, it was flung open for him. He smiled as he pushed by Jared who had an exaggerated look of exasperation on his face. 

“Finally!” He said, shutting the door behind them and following Jensen into the living room. There was a beer and a coke sitting on the coffee table. 

“Not drinking?” Jensen asked, throwing Jared a confused look. He bent down to slide the disk into the playstation and sat on the couch.

“No, I’m on call this weekend.” Jared threw himself into the couch beside Jensen, their legs pressed against each others. Jensen smiled, tossing him the controller. Since their ‘second date’ last Monday, Jensen had seen Jared almost daily. They had done dinner twice last week and Tuesday and Wednesday of this week and realized they were both into video games. Friday Jensen had surprised him on his way to work with a coffee in the lobby. 

“I’m just going to have to drink for both of us then.” Jensen winked at him and reached to take a swig of the beer Jared had already opened for him.

“As long as you’re a happy drunk, we’ll be good.” Jared smiled at him, but his expression was tight. Jensen opened his mouth to ask, but shook his head. 

“You ready?” He asked as he loaded up their game. 

They played for a few hours, finding themselves evenly matched. Every time Jensen would kill Jared in the game, Jared would pretend to fall over as if he were shot, leaning himself almost on top of Jensen. 

“If you’re trying to make me feel guilty so I stop going after you? That’s definitely not the way to do it.” Jensen shifted as Jared pitched over again, the other man almost landing on his chest. Jared hesitated before letting himself lean against Jensen completely. 

“How do you know that isn’t my intention?” Jared said, meeting Jensen’s eyes. Today, Jared’s eyes were flecked with deep blue… Jensen could loose himself in those eyes. He reached up, brushing Jared’s hair back behind his ears. 

“Jared…” He whispered, moving his hand to the back of Jared’s head to cradle neck. He probably shouldn’t… but he couldn’t deny the feelings he had that were only continuing to increase. He leaned forward slowly, watching Jared’s facial expression carefully. Jared inhaled sharply, but didn’t move to pull away. 

A sudden splitting ring made both of them jump. 

“Sorry.” Jared sighed, getting off of the couch to grab the phone. He turned to face Jensen, giving him a smile as he pressed the on button. “Hello?”

Well, that moment was ruined. The second Jared got back to this couch… he was going to make it happen. There was no denying the attraction between them, and Jared was initiating the contact between them just as often. Jensen may not have been sure if he was ready for a relationship… but that’s what this was becoming, wasn’t it?

Jared was the first thing he thought of every morning, and the last thing before he laid his head down at night. Every little thing that came up, Jensen was yanking out his phone to text him or filing it away to share the next time they were together. They were making plans together – simple ones like dinner and video games, and more advanced ones. Just the other night, Jared had asked him how he felt about camping and they both agreed they would go before Jensen was deployed. 

Deployment… Jensen hadn’t been overly thrilled about signing up to go, though the promotion was a definite plus. Now, he was dreading it. He already could barely spend more than a day away from Jared. He looked up and saw Jared’s face pale as he clutched the phone tightly against his ear. 

“You have the wrong number.” Jared’s voice and hands were shaking as he put the phone back into the charging station. Jensen watched as he swallowed hard, fighting to compose himself. 

“Jared?” He asked, moving to get up.

“I’m fine. Wrong number.” He laughed nervously and sped back to the couch. “So, where were we? I believe I was going to kick your ass?”

“Are you okay?” Jensen asked, leaving his controller untouched. Jared opened his mouth to reply when the phone started ringing again. Jared smiled tightly, closing his eyes. 

“Just ignore it.” He said, handing Jensen his controlled. “Come on, you playing or not?”

“Hey! You’ve reached Jared. I can’t come to the phone right now so leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.” Jared’s voice message clicked on and Jared tensed again, eyes flicking over to it. They both waited, barely breathing. 

“Jare baby!” Now it was Jensen’s turn to freeze. Beside him, Jared had clenched his fists, eyes squeezing shut. “Must have had a bad connection or something… I just wanted you to know that I forgive you, babe. I hope you don’t mind – I pulled a few strings at the station to get your number. New York, huh? Didn’t picture you as ever being a Yankee, but I can roll with that. Look… I know that some shit happened we weren’t proud of, but I know that what we had was real and I think we owe it to ourselves for another shot.” There was a pause, the man on the line sighing. “Jare I miss you. And I love you. And I’ll do anything for you, I promise. Call me back so I don’t have to come out there and find you. Hah!”

As the message machine clicked off, silence flooded the room, suffocating. Jensen swallowed hard, suddenly feeling like he didn’t belong. He waited, clasping his hands in his lap. 

“Ex boyfriend?” He said after a moment, feeling Jared nod slowly beside him. “Right… sounds like there’s some pretty big history there…”

“You have no idea.” Jared whispered, closing his eyes. Jensen gave him a sideways glance. He couldn’t determine what that was supposed to mean. The guy on the message sounded sincere, and like he really missed Jared. Jensen couldn’t blame him, in the few short weeks he had known Jared, he wouldn’t want to let that go either. Jared looked like he was going to be sick. 

Jensen cleared his throat, hoping for some direction. The other man seemed to be frozen to the spot, fists now shaking. He tried to bite back his feelings… Jared had made it clear when they began this they would just be friends. Perhaps the guy on the other line was the reason why. Pain stabbed at Jensen’s chest and he let out a shaky breath. 

“Well… I’m guessing you have some thinking to do or something… I’ll just get out of your hair.” Jensen pushed off the couch. He wanted desperately for Jared to tell him no, for them to rewind back ten minutes ago when they were flirting shamelessly and kicking ass on the now forgotten game. He wanted Jared to grab his arm, to stop him, to ask him ‘where were we’. He wanted to spin around and push Jared down on the couch and ravage him, pushing back any thought or memory or inkling of the man on the machine. 

“Yeah.” Jared said, refusing to meet his eyes. “Yeah, okay.” Jensen nodded, his stomach plunging. He hesitated for a moment before turning around and leaving the apartment and Jared sitting on the couch. He let himself into his own apartment, leaning against the front door. 

“Fuck.” He swore, slamming his head back against it. Why did he suddenly feel guilty? And jealous? Jared was only his friend… they hadn’t actually defined their relationship beyond that. So why should he care if his ex-boyfriend was suddenly calling and practically begging for Jared back? He should be happy for Jared… Jared obviously seemed upset. 

Jensen opened his eyes, picturing Jared’s face. Jared had been upset… was that because he had missed his ex as well? Or maybe it was because he was afraid to let go of what they were building? What _were_ they building? Maybe Jensen needed to figure that out as well. If the swell of hope from his belly was any indication… 

He had never done this before, not really. From his two serious relationships, one had been a high school girlfriend because he was afraid to come out to his family and the second was Adam. Adam had approached him at a football game in college and just asked him out, right like that. There was no friendship beforehand, no pick up attempt… they were just suddenly dating. 

Jensen suddenly felt angry. There was no way he was going to lose Jared before he even had the chance to have him. If Jared missed this guy? Well, then maybe he was shit out of luck. He couldn’t compete with someone that Jared had a history with. And if Jared wanted to work on things with his ex, then he wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. But, he wasn’t going to just give up on it either. Sitting up here wondering what the hell Jared was thinking and about his ex on the phone wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Pushing off of the door, he tore back out of his apartment, back down to Jared’s. 

“Jared!” He yelled, knocking on the door. He waited a minute for a reply, getting none. He banged again. “Jared open up! Look, I don’t know where we are going with this, but I think that if your ex was stupid enough to let you go? Then it’s his goddamn loss! You have no idea how much of a loss that is. And I know we said we were only going to be friends, but I’m not going to lie, I think that’s bullshit. ” His heart was pounding in his chest, suddenly nervous and anxious to see Jared. He pressed his palms against the door, leaning into it as if it would help Jared hear him. “If that’s all you want from me, than I understand but you should know how I feel and I think I have the right to tell you! I think that maybe you--” The door suddenly flew open, Jensen pitching forward through it. 

He stumbled, catching himself on Jared’s outstretched arm, a sheepish smile on his face. He opened his mouth to continue but froze when he saw Jared’s face. In the few short minutes he had been gone, Jared had been crying – his eyes bloodshot, face blotchy. Shame suddenly pitted in his stomach. He shouldn’t be here… 

Jared shut the door behind them and moved away, leaving Jensen standing dumbstruck in the hallway. He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit. Slowly, he kicked off his shoes and trailed after Jared, finding him in the same spot he had been left on the couch. He had his long legs pulled up to his chest, his forehead resting between them. 

Jensen carefully lowered himself on the couch beside him, making sure not to touch or crowd him. 

“Jensen…” Jared whispered, peeking up from his legs. “I think it’s time I told you about Chad.” 

[](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)  
  


Chad’s voice still rang in his head, filling every inch of him with dread. He was barely aware of Jensen moving beside him, and it took him a moment to realize he was alone. Jensen had left him… he felt nauseous at the power Chad still had over him… his first instinct was to pick up the phone and dial Chad back. That was, after all, what was requested. Then, fear took over. Chad knew where he was… Chad had a phone which meant he had somehow been released from prison. His threat to come and find him hit Jared like a knife and he moved his hand down to hold onto the scar on his stomach. 

How could he have gotten out? Why would anyone give up his information to him? He racked his mind for any missed calls he forgot to return to the lawyer…. He knew that if he didn’t choose to press charges, the State might still have a case against him. The lawyer had warned him that he could have made a plea bargain with the cops and judge, especially since they were his co-workers, to get him out on bail again…

Chad was out. And Jared knew the tone that message had… the condescendence and the anger… Tears sprung to his eyes and he pulled his legs up, curling into himself. What would he do if Chad showed up? What if Chad showed up when Jensen was here?

Jensen… he squeezed his eyes shut, tears finally spilling down his cheeks. He had no only ruined things once, but twice now. The way he froze up and didn’t even say goodbye… Jensen probably thought he was still in love with Chad or something. A sob escaped from his chest and he wrapped his arms tighter around himself to stop from shaking. 

“Jared!” The pounding on the door made him jump. “Jared open up! Look, I don’t know where we are going with this, but I think that if your ex was stupid enough to let you go? Then it’s his goddamn loss!”

Jensen was yelling and pounding on the door, causing Jared’s heart to race. He refused to reply… Jensen would just leave. The idea of Jensen being angry scared Jared, he didn’t want to remember Jensen in any other way except for how they had been the past few weeks.

“You have no idea how much of a loss that is. And I know I said we were only going to be friends… but I’m not going to lie, I think that’s bullshit!” Jared looked up at that, a strange feeling settling in his chest. Maybe Jensen wasn’t mad at him… he stood slowly, moving towards the door. 

“If that’s all you want from me, then I understand but you should know how I feel and I think I have the right to tell you! I think that maybe you--” Jared pulled the door open, reaching out as Jensen fell through to stop him from falling onto the floor. Jensen was breathing hard, his face red. Distance…. He needed distance. Jared shut the door before spinning on his heel and walking back into the living room to wait. 

“Jensen.” He whispered, waiting until the other man had settled beside him on the couch. He took a deep breath before turning to look at him. “I think it’s time I told you about Chad.”

“Okay.” Jensen nodded, biting his lower lip.

“Chad was my ex… the one on the phone. He’s the reason I moved up here.” Jensen nodded slowly, watching Jared carefully. “We met in college… he actually picked me up at a party.” Jared gave a small smile, remembering. “He was a fresh grad from the Police Academy and I was in my last year of Nursing. He decided that instead of arresting me for being at a party with a few under aged kids, I could go on a date with him instead. That was the end of me.”

“You fell for him.” Jensen said, nodding as if he was agreeing with himself over something. Jared pushed it aside and continued.

“Head over heels. So we started dating, and after six months we got an apartment together. We had plans for the whole nine yards… kids, a picket fence, a vacation home on the ocean. We were in love. My family, friends, co-workers, everyone loved him. We had some shit from his own co-workers at the station who weren’t too thrilled he was gay, but he quickly moved up the ranks and made friends with the right people. He was an asset to the station so they stopped bugging us. There was a huge case he had been working on for months and months, working alongside the DEA to find this undercover drug ring. They finally hit their big break, and Chad accompanied them during the raid. It was chaos when they entered, and Chad ended up hitting an officer on accident, killing him.”

Jared paused, looking up at Jensen who was nodding, his brow furrowed as he was listening.

“That’s when he started to drink.” Jared looked back down at his hands, picking as his fingernails and trying to calm his breathing. “He started to get nasty… everything ended up being my fault. He would start yelling and screaming, throwing and breaking things around the house. The second he walked in the door, he would start. Then, he would feel guilty, beg for my forgiveness and promise me he wouldn’t do it again, that tomorrow would be better. He started to get jealous of my friends and if I went anywhere without him, even just going to work. If I wanted to do something or go somewhere, I needed to pass the third degree and expect that he or another officer would run by my location in a patrol car. So I stopped going out, it just wasn’t worth it anymore. That worked for a while, made him happier. We did that for two years.”

“You lived like that for two years? Why?” Jensen asked, shaking his head.

“Because I loved him.” Jared shrugged. “I knew he was still swamped with guilt over the raid. Even though he had been cleared back for duty, and no one blamed him for what happened, he still did. I knew that it was going to take time for him to understand that as well. I kept telling myself that in a few more weeks, he would realize and it would be good again.”

“Was he going to counseling still? I know they require some after the initial incident…” Jensen trailed off and Jared nodded, remembering that Jensen himself was an officer and probably understood more of what Chad had been going through than Jared ever had. 

“After he had been cleared, that was it. He didn’t think he needed it… and when I suggested it…” Jared shook his head, closing his eyes as he exhaled slowly. “Anyways, about eight months ago, he started to get angrier. He was throwing and breaking things more often, usually by using me as his target. And then one day, he broke my cheekbone.”

“What?” Jensen sat up straight, his eyes flashing as Jared met them. “He hit you?”

“I went to the gym without telling him after work… he told me he was scared something had happened to me. I told him I was a big boy and could take care of myself… he got pissed and hit me… then told me, obviously not.” Jared took a deep breath. It was almost over. He shifted his position on the couch, focusing back on the hangnail he had started on his thumb. “The next day I told him that was it. I wasn’t his punching bag and that it would never happen again. He cried, he told me how sorry he was and promised to get help with the drinking and with everything. I believed him.”

Jensen moved to reach out for Jared’s arm, hesitating before dropping it back. For once, Jared was relieved. If Jensen had touched him, he would have fallen apart. 

“For a few months, things were good. We started going out more, he would bring me flowers and random cards. He was talking to the counselor at work again. I felt good, I had stuck through all the crap and we were finally on the other side. Then four months ago, he came home drunk out of his mind. He saw me outside of our apartment talking to a doctor I had done a clinical with once and was convinced I was cheating on him. He flipped out… He started punching me, when I tried to push him off and defend myself, he pulled his gun. I don’t know what stopped him…maybe he realized that if he killed me, he would lose everything. Maybe it was the expression on my face that made him snap back to reality… But he just left.” Jared shook his head as he noticed Jensen reaching out again. “I need to finish.” He whispered. 

“Okay.” Jensen nodded slowly, his hands clenched in his lap. Jared took a deep breath, launching into the rest of the story, trying to ignore that his voice was shaking. 

“I called him the next day and told him we were done. I had warned him, and I wasn’t going to put up with it. I loved him, but I deserved better than how he had been treating me. He needed to complete whatever programs he needed to help with the drinking, the guilt he felt, the abuse both verbal and physical, and then we could talk. I told him I would pack his things and leave them for him to come and pick up. When he came over, he was completely sober. He tried to convince me he could change, we could do it together, and that he didn’t need to leave. I felt so guilty… he seemed so sincere. But I couldn’t do it. I told him no, that he needed to leave and I would be here when he could return. He snapped…” Jared could feel the tears streaming down his cheeks again and he realized he had been rubbing his stomach. He cleared his throat, trying to make his voice as flat as possible. “He cornered me in the bedroom, tried to force himself on me. I fought him, told him he needed to leave… and he stabbed me, and then he raped me, the knife still stuck in my stomach.”

“Jesus Christ Jared.” Before he could react, Jensen was across the couch, closing the space between them. Jared tensed, trying to push back away from him and Jensen responded by tightening his arms. “It’s okay.” He whispered into Jared’s hair and Jared realized he was sobbing against Jensen’s chest. He twisted his hands into Jensen’s shirt and finally let himself go. 

Jared didn’t know how long they stayed like that after he had calmed down. Jensen had shifted once, moving Jared’s weight off of his leg and settling him between his legs, still pressed against his chest. He was stroking Jared’s hair slowly, the rise and fall of his chest setting a relaxing rhythm that Jared matched with his own breathing. 

“Jared.” Jensen whispered, running his hands down Jared’s back. Jared blinked a few time, realizing he must have fallen asleep. 

“Jen…” Jared rubbed his eyes and pushed off Jensen’s chest to a sitting position. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to—

“Don’t.” Jensen followed him into a sitting position and reached out to tuck Jared’s hair behind his ear. “I thought you might be more comfortable in your own bed.” He smiled softly and Jared’s heart melted. He couldn’t believe Jensen was still here… after he completely fell apart. Jensen was watching him carefully, as if waiting for Jared to fall apart again. 

“I’ll be okay.” Jared said after a moment. “You don’t have to stay… I’m glad you came back and listened. I’ve never told anyone the entire story before.”

“Is that what you want?” Jensen asked, narrowing his eyes. Jared looked up to meet them. 

“I just figured you probably had some other things to do.” Jensen nodded slowly, still staring at him. Jensen reached out again, brushing his fingers lightly against Jared’s cheek. Jared sighed, leaning into the touch, his eyes falling closed. 

“Jared.” At his name, his eyes fluttered open again to see Jensen had moved forward, their faced inches apart. “Do you want me to leave?”

Jared swallowed hard, slowly shaking his head. “No.”

“Good.” Jensen smiled before closing the small gap between them. His lips were soft and warm, barely touching Jared as he kissed him slowly. His hand moved back to tangle in Jared’s hair, pulling him slightly forward before he pulled back all together. “Let’s get you to bed. You look exhausted.” Jared nodded and stood slowly, following Jensen to his bedroom. He sat on the end of his bed, watching as Jensen moved around the room, pulling out a pair of sweat pants and a simple t-shirt for Jared to change into. “Do you mind?” Jensen asked, holding up a second pair of sweats for himself. Jared nodded, heart racing as he realized Jensen intended to _stay_ stay. Jared changed into the clothes Jensen handed him and then crawled between the sheets. 

“Thank you.” He whispered as Jensen changed out of his jeans and moved to pull the covers higher up on Jared’s shoulders. “For staying with me.” Jensen smiled, leaning down to kiss Jared’s forehead. 

“I’ll be right out there if you need me, okay?” He said, turning off the light and closing the door halfway. Jared lay there for a minute, listening as Jensen moved around the living room, cleaning up their food and drinks from earlier. The hallway light suddenly clicked off and Jared could hear Jensen settled back on the couch. 

Why hadn’t Jensen run back to his apartment at the first chance he got? Jared sighed, rolling on his side, peering out the crack of the door. Suddenly, he felt cold and completely alone. Before he lost his nerve, he slipped back out of the bed and found himself beside the couch. 

“Jen?” He whispered, waiting for Jensen to roll over from facing the back of the couch to look at him. “You don’t… I mean… This couch isn’t that comfortable.” He kept his eyes trained on the floor. Jensen reached out, grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers. 

“You sure?” Jensen whispered, fingers squeezing Jared’s hand. Jared tugged at him gently, nodding as he led them back to his bedroom. They carefully got into the bed, Jared realizing that Jensen was waiting for his lead. Jared smiled softly, shifting himself to his side. He laid his head against the crook of Jensen’s arm, his arm laid over Jensen’s stomach and pulling him tightly against his own side. 

“Goodnight, Jensen.” He whispered, closing his eyes. Jensen responded by pressing his lips against Jared’s forehead.

[](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)  


A soft whimper dragged Jensen out of his sleep. His eyes snapped open and it took him a moment to take in his surroundings to remember where he was. He glanced down, Jared still pressed into his side, his brow furrowed and eyes flashing behind their closed lids. He raised his hand to press against Jared’s back, noticing Jared had broken out into a cool sweat. He leaned forward slightly, kissing the top of Jared’s head and smiling as Jared settled again, his eyes still and silent. 

He was lying in bed, with Jared wrapped around him. Jensen couldn’t stop the smile that found his lips. He had never expected to be here, nor knew how much he _wanted_ to be here. His thoughts slowly trailed back to Jared’s confession from the night before. Anger swarmed through him, its thick tendrils rising up as he thought of Chad. If he ever saw that man… He looked back down at Jared, at a loss for how anyone could go out of their way to hurt him. From what he had seen – Jared put everything he had into the things that were important to him. If he was ever given that opportunity, he would do anything and everything in his power to hold on to it. 

The telephone split out its ring, breaking into Jensen’s thoughts and breaking the silence of the house. Jared groaned softly, rolling over and still asleep. Jensen paused, waiting for two more rings before he slipped out of the bed to answer it. He hesitated as he picked up the phone, briefly wondering if he should be answering Jared’s phone. But if this was that asshole on the other line? He wasn’t going to let him get away with starting to harass Jared.

“Hello?” He asked, pressing the receiver to his ear.

“He—hello?” A man’s voice asked on the other end. “Who is this?”

“You called this number, who are you?” Jensen replied, trying to compare this voice to the one he had heard the night before.

“Like hell that’s how this is going to work.” The man on the other end hissed. “Who the fuck are you? Why are you answering this phone? Where is Jared?”

“Sleeping.” Jensen said, moving to sit on the couch. “Is this Chad?” He asked, still unsure.

“Chad? Who the fuck are you? No I’m not Chad!”

“Okay.” Jensen sighed, now regretting answering the phone. “I’m sorry… I’m Jensen. Jared had a bad night last night… so he is sleeping. I can wake him if you would like me to?” The other man was quiet for a moment. 

“You’re Jensen?” A soft laugh. “So, he finally admitted his feelings?”

“Um…” Jensen said, confused. “Who are you?”

“I’m Jeff, Jared’s brother.”

“Oh. Well, hi Jeff.” Jensen said, feeling more embarrassed at how their conversation started. “I’ll get Jared for you.”

“No, let Jay sleep.” Jeff said quickly. “Did you spend the night?”

“I did… but nothing… I mean, that’s kind of Jared’s business.” Jensen stumbled over his words. He knew that Jared was close to his brother, they talked every day whether it was through the phone or through text. But that didn’t mean Jared wanted his brother to know everything that was going on. 

“Right.” Jeff laughed, his laugh almost an exact copy of Jared’s own. “So… why did you ask if I was Chad? Did he tell you?”

“Yeah. Chad made a few phone calls last night.” Jensen said carefully.

“Fuck.” Jeff swore and Jensen could hear something banging on the other end, like a fist slamming into a table. “That fucker called Jared? How the fuck did he get Jared’s number?”

“I have no idea… Jared seemed pretty shaken though.”

“Well yeah. That bastard wasn’t supposed to be out of prison. Fucking cops… Protecting their own, irregardless of the pain and suffering they cause the people they swore to protect.” Jensen was quiet, mind racing. Of course this Chad guy was in prison… he had stabbed Jared for God’s sake. “What did Chad say to him?”

“I think this is a better conversation for you to have with Jared.” Jensen said after a moment. “I’m sure he’s going to want to talk to you anyways.” Jeff mumbled his agreement and finally let Jensen go to wake up Jared. “Hold on a sec.” He said, placing the phone down on the nightstand. “Jared…” He said softly, shaking Jared’s shoulder.

“Mmm… Jen?” Jared opened an eye, blinking up at him. “It’s too early… Come back to bed.” He tugged on Jensen’s arm, closing his eyes again. 

“I… I kind of answered your phone.” Jensen admitted, giving Jared a sheepish smile as the other man’s hazel eyes snapped open to stare at him. 

“Chad?” He whispered, fear evident in his eyes. 

“No, Jeff.” Jensen shook his head, handing Jared the phone. “Want me to wait in the living room?”

“Hey Jeff.” Jared said into the phone, shaking his head at Jensen and tugging at his arm again. Jensen crawled over his body, settling back into the covers. Jared rolled onto his back, bending his knee so it was laying over Jensen’s thigh. Jensen watched Jared’s face carefully as he listened to his brother on the other end. “Well… I don’t know. But he did get my number… Jeff, I don’t even know. If he’s already out, what’s the point of pressing charges?”

Jensen sat up slightly, staring at Jared. Why the hell wouldn’t he press charges against that asshole?! Jared met his eyes for a moment before looking away again. 

“Well, I have to call her today. She’s going to want me to fly out there, I don’t know if I can do that right now.” Jared paused, then rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah Jeff, that sounds like a great plan. No! I am not asking him that.” Another pause and Jared gave Jensen an apologetic smile. “Jeff, I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I will call Angela later and – yes. Yes, Jeff. I will get a no contact order. Yes Jeff. No. Don’t you dare tell Mom! Why? Because she doesn’t need to fucking kn--” Jared fell silent again, closing his eyes. Jensen reached over to squeeze Jared’s shoulder, the only comfort he can really offer. “Alright, I’ll call you tonight okay? Love you too.” Jared hung up the phone and threw his arm over his forehead. “Can we just pretend that this morning and last night never happened?”

“Oh.” Jensen said, pulling his arm back. “I guess… if you want.” He shifted, now uncomfortable with Jared pressed close against him. Jared looked at him, confused for a moment before realization sunk in.

“Oh, no. I mean, just Chad and stuff. I…” Jared smiled, looking down for a moment before meeting Jensen’s eyes again. “I’m really glad you stayed with me last night.” Jensen exhaled, relaxing again. 

“Should we talk about it? About… where we are now?” He asked carefully, moving his hand down to rest against the inside of Jared’s knee. He couldn’t imagine being anywhere else right now.

“I mean… I guess so.” Jared nodded, turning to look at him. “What do… what do you want?”

“Honestly?” Jensen said, biting the corner of his lip. What did he want? He looked at Jared, his body completely relaxed against him, his eyes wide as he stared waiting for Jensen’s response. He thought back to the past weeks he had spent with Jared, completely comfortable in talking to someone, sitting in silence, being himself. He thought of the fear and the anger he felt at thinking he had lost Jared last night, at the man who had dared to hurt Jared. Jared’s eyes were swimming as they stared at him and Jensen realized that what he said next was going to change everything. And that terrified him.

_”Ackles.”_

_“Yes Sir.” Jensen stepped up, standing at attention before his Sergeant._

_“Follow me.” He turned and Jensen followed him, finding himself waiting outside of the Sergeant Major’s office, his hands instantly sweaty and heart pounding in his chest._

_“Specialist.” A voice called from inside, alerting Jensen to move. He walked quickly in, shutting the door behind him. “Sit.” His eyes found the chair set before the desk and he sank into his, gripping his hands on his lap to stop them from shaking._

_“Sergeant Ma—”_

_“Save it.” The man turned his steely gaze on him, before returning to the paperwork in front of him. “I hear that your boyfriend finally decided to stop fighting and left.” Jensen’s sharp intake of breath echoed across the room, receiving a small smirk from the man before him. “I’m going to give you some advice. You have excelled at everything we have thrown at you, and I can see that you have the right framework to build an excellent soldier. It would be a shame to let your… extracurricular activities get in the way of your career.” He met Jensen’s eyes again. “I don’t care what you do on your off time, Specialist. But I will not have it _infiltrating_ our company and causing distrust amongst your brother in arms.” Jensen felt dirty, ashamed as the other man stared him down._

_“Yes Sir.” He whispered, forcing himself to hold the gaze, to not tear his eyes away._

_“We all need a fresh start I think.” He returned back to his paperwork, writing a few things before placing his pen down. “You’re being transferred immediately. You have seven days before your orders will take effect. Get your affairs in order, and Ackles? Don’t fuck this up. Not everyone will be as… _understanding_ as I am.” He handed Jensen the papers before him, his signature a blinding black mark against Jensen’s heart as he realized what this meant. He sat, frozen, staring. “On your way.” _

“I’m not perfect.” He said softly, squeezing Jared’s leg as he spoke, blinking away the memory. “I am not very good at this whole relationship thing… I have a career that isn’t very accepting of my lifestyle, and that makes it hard to be completely honest at times. I am constantly scared that the wrong person might find out and my career and everything that I have worked to build will come crashing down around me. I allow my best friend to set me up with women, sometimes paying them off just to leave me alone before we actually get back to my apartment.” He laughed softly, the words and all his fears suddenly spilling out of him. 

“But… I really like you, Jared. I constantly think of you, almost every second of every day. I love the nights we spend together, even if all we are doing it eating dinner and watching TV. I’ve… never felt that comfortable with someone else. And I don’t know what that means… I don’t really think I’m ready to know what that means. What do I want? I want to see where this goes. I don’t want labels, and I don’t want to push. I do want you to know, that you deserve so much better than what you’ve gotten. And that I will never treat you that way, ever.”

Jared smiled softly, reaching up to cup Jensen’s cheek as he pulled them together, kissing him softly.


	5. Out of the Woods

[](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chapterfivebanner_zpscndb5tuw.jpg.html)  


_Looking at it now_  
 _It all seems so simple_  
 _We were lying on your couch_  
 _I remember_  
 _You took a Polaroid of us_  
 _Then discovered (then discovered)_  
 _The rest of the world was black and white_  
 _But we were in screaming color_  
‘Out of the Woods’ by Taylor Swift, 1989.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

Jared hiked his bag up on his shoulder, pushing into the crowd of people fighting to get off of the plane first. The second he stepped away from the air conditioned air craft, he was hit with a wall of heat. He couldn’t help the smile that appeared as he felt the heat immediately soak into his skin – he had missed home. 

He walked through the terminal, eyes scanning the crowds of people. Every time a man in a TSA uniform passed him, he could feel his heart quicken. He was being ridiculous. Not every officer in a blue uniform was going to be Chad. 

“Jared!” He looked up to see his sister waving frantically at him. “Jared!”

“Hey Megan.” He opened his arms just in time for his younger sister to launch herself at him. He chuckled, wrapping his arms tightly around her and kissing the top of her head. “Missed me, did you?”

“Yes!” She pulled back slightly, still smiling. “Let me look at you… You look good, Jay. Really good.”

“I guess the city air is good for something.” He smiled, pulling back and holding out his arm for her to link hers into. 

“Or just having a super, sexy new boyfriend.” Jared could feel the blush creeping down his neck. 

“He’s not... I mean, we’re not really sure…” He stopped when she rolled her eyes at him and pulled him forward.

“Whatever, Jay. Jeff has the car cooling. And I want to know all about your boyfriend-not-boyfriend.” She smirked at him and pushed the handicapped button so the doors flew open for them.

“You’re going to be impossible, aren’t you?” Megan was saved the task of replying as they approached a beat up black Chevy, waiting for them beside the sidewalk. She grabbed Jared’s bag from him and tossed it into the bed of the truck before opening the door and flipping the passenger seat forward so she could climb into the small back space. Although Jared hadn’t really thought she was going to make him sit in the back, he was grateful they didn’t have to argue about it like they had when they were kids. 

“Hey J-man.” Jeff smiled as Jared slid into the seat. Jeff reached over to clasp his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “It’s really good to see you.”

“Same.” Jared replied, offering him the same smile. “Wish it was under different circumstances…”

Jeff and Megan were quiet for a minute, but Jared knew they had exchanged a look between them in the rearview mirror. He sighed, folding his hands on his lap before turning towards the window.

“This is almost over.” Jeff said after a moment, reaching over to nudge Jared’s leg. “Just a fair warning? Mom’s going to be all over you like white on bread.”

“I figured as much.” Jared laughed, leaning his head back into the head rest. “I might as well sleep now because she sure as hell isn’t going to let me get any rest.”

“She’s going to be talking your ear off and wanting to know every single detail about New York and your boyfriend-not-boyfriend.” Megan piped up from the backseat. “Do you have a picture? Appropriate pictures for Jeff, he might get a bit squeamish if you show him a naked picture of--”

“Megan!” Jared turned around, catching his sister forcing the smile that had been playing across her lips into an innocent and confused look. 

“What?” 

“He isn’t my boyfriend. He’s just…” He trailed off, not sure how to explain _what_ Jensen was. Honestly, he had taken to calling him ‘boyfriend’ in his head, but since their conversation a few days earlier, they hadn’t exactly defined anything. “I have one picture.” He sighed, reaching into his pocket to pull out his phone. From the corner of his eye he could see his brother looking between his phone and the road. “You want to see too, Jeff?”

“Naw…” Jeff shook his head. “Unless it’s already up… and then, you know, whatever.” Jared rolled his eyes and pulled up a picture they had taken last night. They had been hanging out at a coffee shop, waiting for Jensen’s friend Tom to come so they could have a ‘guys’ night. 

_“What are you doing? Posting on your facebook how you’re hanging out with the sexiest man you have ever had the pleasure to meet?” Jensen asked, leaning over Jared’s shoulder to look at his phone screen._

_“No… Sorry to burst your bubble, didn’t think you were facebook worthy.” Jared laughed, tilting the screen to show Jensen his game of Candy Crush. “I’m not on facebook much…” Jared trailed off, turning to face Jensen completely. They were sitting on the same side of the booth, but enough apart that Jensen wouldn’t feel uncomfortable when his friend showed up. “I didn’t know if you wanted me to tag you in anything, well, ever.”_

_Jensen was quiet for a moment. “I can’t have any type of relationship status on there… but I’ve told Tom and the guys from my unit that I had a new neighbor I was hanging out with. They know you’re my friend.”_

_“Okay.” Jared nodded, unable to stop the smile that appeared when Jensen had implied ‘relationship’. “Come here.” He leaned towards Jensen pulling up the camera on his phone. “I won’t put it online… just want one.” He added when Jensen hesitated._

_“Just make sure you get my good side.” Jensen leaned back against Jared’s chest._

_“Selfies?” A voice came from behind them, making both of them jump. Jensen spun around and smiled nervously. “Dude, with your game lately? Even having a second good looking guy isn’t going to get you laid.” Jared took in the tall man standing behind them, slightly shocked at how attractive Tom was._

_“Maybe I can’t get any because your ugly mug is always around scaring off the good ones.” Jensen retorted, pushing up from the table._

_“Well, I figured we could go to the bar down the block to start. Maybe Jared will be your good luck magnet.” Tom turned to Jared, offering his hand. “I’m Tom, been friend with Jen for the past four years, and I would appreciate your help getting him laid.” Jared laughed, taking Tom’s hand in his own and picturing the expression on Jensen’s face behind him._

_“Well, I think Jen’s a butt guy.” Jared tossed Jensen a smirk before turning back to Tom. “Something he can really grab onto, you know? We will just have to fine the perfect ass.”_

_“Man, I like you already!” Tom laughed, clapping him on the shoulder. “One ba-donk-a-donk coming right up!”_

“Jared…” Megan whispered, staring at the picture before hanging the phone over the seat to Jeff. 

“What?” Jared asked, looking between his siblings. 

“You just… look happy.” Jeff shrugged, smiling and handing Jared’s phone back. “Did you ever ask him to come with you like I suggested?”

“No.” Jared shook his head quickly, shoving his phone back into his jeans. “He can’t just walk up to his CO and ask for vacation to go to his boyfriend’s for a long weekend so he can be moral support in obtaining a restraining order for said boyfriend’s crazy ex.”

“You called him your boyfriend.” Megan sang from the back seat. 

“She’s going to be worse than Mom.” Jared muttered, turning back to the window. Jeff laughed and reached over to turn the music up and the rest of the ride passed in a comfortable silence.

***

“Alright…” Jared jumped as the door behind him swung open, a young woman slipping in with a flurry of movements as she shuffled papers one handed, holding tightly to a coffee in the other. The office was in the corner of a small building, on the outskirts of San Antonio. Although Angela had sworn no one except the two of them and her brother that owned the small office building knew that they were there, Jared could barely stop his heart from breaking through his chest. 

“So, I drew up some papers here…” She threw herself, however gracefully, into the chair across from him and laid out papers before him. “And we need to talk about the trial and go over your statements again before you are able to take off on me back to New York.”

“Angela… I don’t know if I want to press charges.” He kept his eyes downcast on the pages before him, not needing to see the woman’s face before him to see the disappointment. 

“Jared, that isn’t really an option. The police came to a domestic disturbance and you ended up hospitalized. There is going to be a trial, even if you don’t want there to be. If you don’t want to ‘press charges’, there will still be a trial.” Jared looked up at her, a horrified expression on his face. 

“The thought of sitting in the same room as him…” He stopped, closing his eyes as the familiar wave of nausea rolled through him. 

“Let’s focus on one thing at a time, okay?” She smiled softly at him and returned her attention to the papers before her. “Your mother contacted me three days ago to let me know Chad had called you?” She looked up briefly for his nod before plunging forward. “I wish you had been the one to contact me, Jared. I am _your_ attorney and as much as your mom and I are friends?” She sighed. “You’re here now.”

“Sorry…” Jared muttered, wondering if he made the right choice taking Angela on as his attorney, not for the first time. 

“Chad and his lawyer somehow convinced the judge that he wasn’t a flight risk and a bail was reinstated, which as you know, Chad met. So, he is not currently being held in jail. I do know that he is out on unpaid leave pending investigation and the completion of the trial. He also is not allowed to leave the state of Texas. His parents live in San Antonio, correct?”

“Yeah… well, his father passed away a few years ago. But his mother does… Why?” 

“I am going to try to get it so that Chad isn’t able to leave the City. I’m not sure what leverage I will have to get the judge to see in our favor, but we will see. Have you been going to any of the counseling appointments I set up for you?”

Jared bit his lower lip, avoiding her gaze. 

“Well, that could have helped us here, Jared.” She sighed, pulling one of the pages forward. “But, let’s take care of this. He isn’t allowed to leave the state but we want to make sure that if you’re home visiting your parents or friends, he isn’t able to see or contact you. We also want to make sure that he doesn’t call you. Now, I took the liberty of filing the paperwork on Wednesday for the protective order, I need you to backdate these forms…” She pushed the page forward, a pen sitting on top of them.

“Aren’t they going to know if I didn’t sign them at the time you filed them?” Jared asked, signing his name where she pointed on the paper. 

“Well, Chad isn’t the only one who is friends with a judge.” She smiled, pulling the page back. “I’ll let him know these are all set and I’m hoping he can put a rush on it and get us into the courtroom at the beginning of the week.”

“I have to go into court? You didn’t say I was going to have to--” He could feel the sweat collecting on the back of his neck, a feeling of dread washing over him and leaving him cold and shaking. 

“It’s not the type of court you’re thinking of. And I requested Chad to have his own hearing, after we are finished. Chad’s lawyer and I will have to be present for both of them, but for yours? It will just be us, Chad’s lawyer Mike, and the judge.” Jared nodded quickly, trying to calm his breathing. Angela watched him for a moment before reaching forward to take his hand. “Think about going to see that counselor, okay? He specializes in anxiety and domestic abuse.” 

“What next?” Jared muttered, pulling his hand back from the table. He felt ridiculous… even the mere _thought_ of seeing Chad had him acting like a basket case. Guilt churned in his stomach thinking about the card Angela had given him with the psychiatrists name that he had thrown away the moment he was out of view. 

“I think that can be all for today.” She pushed the pages together, tapping them against the table to get them in a neat pile. “I heard your Mom was going all out to make you dinner tonight, and if I get you all stressed out? She’ll have my head.” Jared nodded, grateful. 

“She asked me to invite you.” Angela nodded and stood up, squeezing his shoulder once before letting herself out of the room. Jared sat there for a minute before pulling out his phone, hands shaking. 

“Hey.” He said, closing his eyes as he heard his voice break. “No… Just… wanted to talk.”

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

This had to be the most boring presentation Jensen ever had the pleasure of sitting through. It was to the point where he almost would welcome being away on deployment, anything to get out of these ‘refresher’ courses. They were given books to study Pashto and Dari languages, the two basic languages of Afghanistan. He knew from experience that he would never actually use either one. But, he would gladly work on studying the useless languages than sit through a Humvee Rollover course. 

A buzzing split through the room, causing everyone to turn towards him. He pulled his leg away from the metal bar of the desk he was sitting at, the vibration of his phone now only bothering him instead of the entire room. He slipped his hand into his pocket, checking the phone screen. 

“Hello?” Jensen slipped out of the classroom, shutting the door softly behind him. The moment he saw the name flash across the screen, he was up out of his seat, ignoring the presenter’s glare as he let himself out the back door. 

“Hey.” Jared’s voice cracked and Jensen was immediately on alert.

“What happened? Are you okay?” He walked quickly down the hallway, letting himself out into the small courtyard. A quick glance let him see he was the only one outside and he felt himself relax slightly as he slid down the brick wall into a sitting position.

“No… Just… wanted to talk.” Jared cleared his throat, pain still evident in his voice. Immediately, Jensen wanted to reach through the phone and pull Jared against his chest to tell him whatever it was, it was going to be okay. “Oh fuck… you’re probably working. I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have called you.”

“No, really, it’s a relief to have an excuse to leave. We’re doing classes this week, and I’ve had to listen to proper Humvee care more times than I can stand.” Jensen laughed. “I’m glad you called.”

“I met with Angela…” Jared said after a moment. 

“Your lawyer, right?”

“Yeah… I had to sign the paperwork for the restraining order.” 

“Well good, that was quick. What happens next?” Jensen reached between his legs to pluck at a single strand of grass, twisting it between his fingers.

“I have to meet with the judge to make it official I guess. She hopes that will happen next week.”

“Wait.” Jensen dropped the blade of grass, feeling his fingers tighten around the phone. “Next week? You’re not coming home this weekend?” He was surprised at the disappointment he felt at not spending the weekend with Jared. 

“Probably not… I don’t have to work until next Friday night so…” Jared sighed. “My mom’s happy though, to see me. They all are… My sister keeps calling you my boyfriend.” Jared laughed slightly and silence fell between them. Jensen felt his heart skip a beat.

“Oh?” He asked, freezing in place. “And… what did you say back?”

“I didn’t really say anything.” Jared said. Another pang of disappointment. “But, I did tell my Mom you were. It’s pretty black and white for her, there is no ‘taking things slow’. I hope that’s okay?”

“Yeah, that’s okay.” Jensen smiled into the phone. “I told my parents I was seeing someone too.” He could feel Jared’s smile on the other end of the phone. 

“Good. Well… My mom is making a big dinner tonight, so I have to go and drive back. I just… wanted to hear your voice. Is that stupid?”

“I miss you too, Jared.” Jensen whispered. “Text me whenever… Save me from my oh-so-important training.”

“I will. Bye, Jen.” Jared replied before hanging up the phone, leaving Jensen completely alone. He pushed himself up from the ground and moved to push open the door to the building, only to find them locked. 

“Aw, fuck.” He swore, kicking at the bottom of the door. He looked around. The small grassy area was completely surrounded by the brick building, the only entrance being the one before him. Taking a quick ‘pee break’ was frowned upon, blowing off the rest of the class? He kicked at the door again, jumping back when it swung open.

“Talking to your boyfriend?” Tom smirked, holding the door open to let Jensen in.

“What?” Jensen demanded, his eyes wide as he stared at his friend. 

“Dude, your friend Jared? Didn’t he go back home for some personal shit or something?” Tom gave him a weird look. “I’m pretty sure he’s the only one that would call you during work unless someone died or something.”

“Oh. Yeah, it was Jared. You threw me off.” Jensen said quickly, still eyeing his friend.

“Well, he is your new best friend.” Tom mocked being hurt. “I can’t believe I’m being replaced.”

“Maybe he’s just prettier than you.” Jensen replied, trying to calm his racing heart. 

“No one can be prettier than me.” Tom said, puffing out his chest as he started to strut down the hall. Jensen rolled his eyes, following after him. “We going out tonight?”

“Yeah, as long as it’s not that club you dragged me to last time. That was awful.” Jensen shuddered, remembering the experience. Most of the women were scantily clad and unshy about rubbing and grabbing anyone that tickled their fancy. He looked up to see Tom reluctantly agreeing with a nod. If _Tom_ agreed it was bad? He gave a short laugh and stopped before the door to the classroom he was supposed to be in. “See you at five?” 

“Yeah, I’ll wait for you at the front.” Tom nodded, turning away from him and continuing back to his classroom. Jensen pushed open the doors, giving the presenter a tight not before slipping back into his seat. Five o’clock couldn’t come fast enough.

***

Monday morning came way too quickly. Jensen groaned, pulling the comforter up over his head and reaching blindly for his cell phone with his other hand. He fumbled with the buttons before he was able to hit the on button and silence the alarm. He knew if he relaxed, he could easily slip back into an easy and comfortable sleep. He also knew that after five minutes his phone would start screaming at him again and he _had_ already put the phone on snooze twice. 

Sighing, he threw back the covers, squinting with one eye as he thumbed through the options on his phone and turned off the alarm completely. His head was pounding… He groaned as he pushed himself into a sitting position. No matter how much begging Tom did? He was _not_ going out again tonight. 

He stumbled towards the bathroom, twisting open a bottle of Advil and swallowing them down with water from the sink. He inspected himself in the mirror, sighing when he realized he couldn’t get away with not shaving this morning. He showered and shaved quickly, shoving on his ACUs and grabbing an apple from the crisper in the fridge on his way out the door. He hesitated over the 5th floor button before remembering Jared wasn’t home yet. Hopefully, he would get the hearing today or tomorrow and would be home midweek. It slightly terrified Jensen how much he actually missed the other man… It was getting dangerous how much he wanted to just shout it out. He was gay and he was falling for one of the most amazing man he had ever met. That would be sure to gain him a promotion back to civilian status… He pulled out his phone as he reached the lobby and sent Jared a quick text, crossing his fingers that he wouldn’t wake the other man. Today, already, couldn’t end fast enough. 

After four hours of classes, they were finally given a break. Jensen flew out of the classroom and back into the courtyard he had talked to Jared in last week. He clicked his phone to life, disappointment settling into his stomach when he saw Jared hadn’t texted him back yet. 

“Dude, you look like you swallowed an entire lemon.” Tom said as he sunk down to sit beside Jensen. 

“What’s up?” He asked, pocketing his phone again and turning to his friend. He looked away when he saw Tom’s concerned gaze, and not for the first time, wished he could talk to his best friend. Wasn’t everyone supposed to have someone they could tell anything to? Jensen would give anything to be able to have that… As much as he could tell Tom, he would never be able to let a load off if he had a problem or a concern with a relationship he had. He never felt more alone then he did right now…

“I should be asking you that. You alright?” 

“Yeah. Just a bit sluggish I guess. Drank too much last night.” He forced a smile, hoping Tom would buy it.

“I know. You spent more time knocking back those beers then you did looking at the women.” Tom laughed, the sound settling Jensen’s nerves. 

“Well, I was hoping it would make them more attractive.” Not exactly a lie, since women weren’t his forte. But all he had been doing was missing Jared. 

“Maybe you need to have your eyes checked.” Tom chuckled. “I could barely decide between Abigail and Anne. Did you see those two dancing? Part of me wanted to offer to take them both home.”

“Oh, I’m sure that would have gone over well.” Jensen muttered before silence fell between them. 

“Have you talked to Jared today?” Tom asked after a moment. 

“What? No. Why?” Jensen asked, mentally kicking himself for sounding so guilty. 

“Uh,” Tom started, giving him a strange look. “Just wondering when he was getting back. Do you remember that girl I took home sometime last week?” 

“Dude, I can’t keep track of who you took home last night.” Jensen replied, still tense as he waited for Jared’s involvement in this story.

“Shut up.” Tom punched him in the arm. “The blonde, Maria. She’s got a sister, and I met her the other day. I think she might be Jared’s type.”

“I don’t think so.”

“How do you know? You’ve never even seen her.” 

“I just don’t think he’s looking for anyone right now.” Jensen shrugged, trying to ignore the stab of jealousy he felt. Completely ridiculous, but there all the same. 

“Well, I think when he gets back we should all go out, and I’ll ask him myself. Since I’m completely failing at setting _you_ up, maybe I can get one of you lucky.” Jensen looked up to see Tom pulling himself up from the ground. “You’re acting strange.” He said, giving Jensen another look before turning to head back inside. 

Jensen leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. The sun felt good against his face, hopeful and warm. He almost laughed out loud. He pulled his knees up to his chest, pulling out his phone to balance on top of them. Jared would text him soon. He stared at the phone, willing it to vibrate. 

He couldn’t fight the fear in his gut that something was wrong. All weekend Jared had texted him immediately when he woke up… and unlike him, Jared was a morning person. What if something had happened? What if Chad _had_ gotten around to paying Jared a visit? What if he had found out Jared had come back home? And even worse… what if Jared just didn’t want to talk to him? What if _he_ did something wrong. 

Jensen stared at his phone until the other soldier’s in the courtyard started shuffling back into the building, shoving their own phones deep into their pockets and tossing wrappers and bottles from lunch in the oversized trash bin at the door. Sighing, Jensen shoved the phone back into his pocket and stood up, trying to shove the fear down along with it.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

Jared woke up, his stomach already in knots and nausea threatening to surface into actual sickness. Light was pouring through the sheer curtains of his child-hood room, a sharp contrast to tone of the day. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to block out the sunlight. 

“Jared?” A soft knock on the door made him swing his legs over the side of the bed and sit up.

“Yeah.” 

“Just making sure you were awake.” His mother’s head poked in and she gave him a smile. “I made you pancakes! And there’s some fresh orange juice… I think Jeff is putting on a fresh pot of coffee too…”

“Thanks Mom, you really didn’t have to go through all that trouble.” Jared tried to force a smile back, knowing he was failing miserably. He didn’t think he could eat even if he wanted to, but wasn’t about to tell his mother that. She nodded once, seeing through his fake smile and crossed the room to sit beside him on the bed. 

“It’s going to be okay, honey.” She whispered, pulling his shoulders softly to pull him against her chest. She wrapped her arms around him and Jared sighed, relaxing into her embrace. “Just a few more hours, okay?”

“I know, Mom.” Jared flinched at the sound of his voice and wrapped his own arms around the smaller woman. They sat there for a few minutes, comfortable silence falling between them. Jared slowly felt himself start to relax. His mom was rubbing small circles around his back, humming softly into his hair. 

“Come on…” She squeezed his shoulder and rose from the bed, pulling him along with her. “Go try and eat something, I’ll get your suit ready for you.” He nodded; finding the smile he gave her as he passed her in the doorway was genuine. 

“Morning.” He said as he slipped into the chair beside his brother Jeff who was hunched over a cup of coffee, both hands curled around the mug.

“Mmm.” He grunted back, nodding sharply in Jared’s direction. Jared couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped. Jeff was as much of a morning person as Jensen was. Jared accepted the coffee that was pushed towards him by his brother and reached over the island counter for the sugar bowl. He could feel Jeff watching him as he scooped each spoonful into his coffee. 

“Yes?” He asked, turning his body to his brother as he lifted the mug to his lips. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Even though Jared had expected the question, it still filled him with warmth he hadn’t expected. 

“No… I think Angela and I will be all set.” Jared shook his head. As much as he wanted to have his brother there with him, he knew without a doubt that every move he made would be reported back to Chad. Just because he didn’t live here anymore, didn’t mean Chad was above harassing his family and by bringing Jeff there… Jared didn’t want that to be seen as an open invitation. “Plus,” He added quickly as he saw the argument brewing, “Mom is going to be a friggen wreck until I get back. You have to keep her from barging in there like a crazy person.”

“Yeah, alright. But just because I’m not there, doesn’t mean I don’t have your back.” Jeff said after a moment, bumping him with his shoulder. “Did you tell Jensen the hearing was today?”

“No… I didn’t want him to worry about it. I’ll let him know when it’s all over with. He’s got enough to deal with.” Jared said, sipping his coffee again, hoping the caffeine would ebb away at his nerves. 

“Right. Because it totally seems like the guy doesn’t care about what’s going on with you and wouldn’t want to know.”

“I’m going to shower.” Jared sighed, putting the mug down and walking back towards his room. His suit and shirt were laid across the bottom of the bed his mom had already made. He looked down at his and saw Jensen had texted him while he was downstairs. 

_Didn’t want to wake you. In classes again all day… Shoot me a text when you’re awake. –J_ Jared smiled at it, wondering if maybe he should have told Jensen about the hearing… It wasn’t that big of a deal… It wasn’t like he was going to be _seeing_ Chad. And Jared didn’t want to chase Jensen away with the ex-boyfriend drama. He had already unloaded more than enough for a new relationship. No, Jensen didn’t need to worry, and the moment the hearing was done, Jared would be able to give him the good news. 

By the time 10 am rolled around, Jared had showered, finished his coffee, and was fidgeting with his tie. He had shook both his siblings off as they tried to help him straighten it, determined to do it on his own. When the bell rang, he jumped up, toppling the chair he had been sitting on.

“Smooth.” Jeff threw him a look and moved to let Angela into the house. 

“Morning Jared.” She smiled as she swept into the kitchen. Even this early, she was a flurry of movement, swinging her briefcase up onto the table and spinning to look at him. “Oh dear.” She said, shoving his hands away and going straight for his tie. “Good, you clean up nice!”

“Thanks.” Jared mumbled, fingering the tie again after she released him. He could see Jeff watching him intently and knew he was still thinking about joining them. “I’m ready, let’s just go.” He said to Angela, pushing past her and his brother for the front door. A moment later he felt Angela patting his back as she opened the front door and ushered him to the waiting car. 

“Are you ready for this Jared?” She asked as they settled in and she turned over the ignition. He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He heard her soft protest as she fought with herself to push the subject, before resigning herself to the fact that the conversation just wasn’t going to happen. 

Jared spent the fifteen minute drive staring out the window. Even Angela’s soft piano music that was the _only_ thing she agreed to play in the car, did nothing to calm him. When she parked in the front of the courthouse, Jared could see his hand shaking violently as he reached for the door. 

“Jared.” Angela’s voice stilled him and he dropped his hand. “Chad isn’t going to be here. He isn’t _allowed_ to come to this hearing. We are going to go in, I am going to do most of the talking. All you have to do is agree to the terms we’ve written up, the judge will probably ask you them one at a time so he can make sure the effective dates and ways of communication are covered. He will ask you if you feel threatened or unsafe in the presence of Chad. This entire process will take half an hour, and then this will all be behind you until the trial date is set.” Jared nodded numbly. He knew, they had gone over this plan all weekend long. But that didn’t stop the irrational fear that Chad would come barging into the courtroom, brandishing a knife or his pistol, and getting Jared back for getting him arrested. 

Together, they walked into the building, moving quickly in the short line through the metal detectors. _At least Chad wouldn’t be able to stab me if he got in…_ Jared thought bitterly as he picked up his keys and wallet at the other end of the security check. Angela consulted her tablet once before leading him to Court Room Three, the final courtroom on the first floor.

The room was big, and instantly Jared felt out of place and like he was in trouble. There were two men standing at the front of the room, before a bench, talking in low whispers to one another. Angela pushed Jared forward, coming to stop before them. 

“Matthew Gutmar, I’m Angela Boise.” She stuck out her hand for the first man to shake. He gave her a cool smile as he wrapped his long fingers around her wrist. “This is my client, Jared Padalecki.” 

“I’m Chris Collins.” The second man interjected, shaking Angela’s hand and then Jared’s. “I’ll just be transcribing the hearing for the records.” Angela nodded and then swung a hand out behind her, her attention back on Matt. 

Matt nodded at Chris once before moving back to take his seat behind one of the table tops. Angela led Jared over to the second desk. Jared felt the nausea rear its head again and he briefly thought about asking Angela if he would be able to sneak to the bathroom before everything started. But, as he opened his mouth to ask, everyone was suddenly standing, and the judge walked into the room to start the hearing. 

Jared could barely pay attention to what was going around him. He could hear his heart beating loudly, echoing in his head. He focused on breathing, reaching forward every few minutes to take a sip of the glass of water that was left before him. When Angela elbowed him, he realized he had completely spaced out. His eyes snapped up to the judge and he could feel the blush that took over his entire upper body. 

“Yes, Sir.” He said, quickly looking at Angela for confirmation. She gave a tight nod and pushed the agreement before him. He looked down quickly, clearing his throat before he recited what they had gone over the day before. Luckily, only Angela seemed to notice that he had been somewhere completely different throughout most of the hearing.

“Well, Mr. Padalecki,” The judge said finally, settling back in his chair and gazing at Jared, a careful expression on his face. “I grant the motion of a no-contact order. Mr. Murray will not be able to contact you in any form or by any means, nor will he be able to be within a five mile radius to your person.” Jared nodded, looking up at Angela. She had a tight smile on her face, but Jared knew that was as happy as her smiles could get. 

They all approached the bench, Angela and Jared first, to sign the protection order. Angela was given the next appointment to which Chad would have to come and hear the terms and sign the agreement. Jared wondered briefly if Chad would be able to provide his own evidence and get the order revoked, but decided Angela would have told him if that was a possibility. 

“Let’s get you home. I’m sure your mother is pacing the kitchen, waiting for you to get back.” Angela said, leading Jared out of the courtroom. 

“Oh, Jeff is right alongside her I bet.” Jared laughed. The moment he was out of the courtroom, he instantly felt lighter. “So… Chad really won’t be able to contact me?”

“No. And if he does? You immediately call me and let me know. I don’t care if it’s four in the goddamn morning Jared.” She gave him a hard look and he nodded quickly. 

“Yes, ma’am!” He said, smiling. Jared dug into his pocket for his phone, clicking open his text messages. He found his thread with Jensen and clicked it open. 

_I’m sorry I didn’t text you! I had the hearing this morning… Everything went through! :)_ He typed the message quickly, adding a smile face at the end to match the one on his face. He looked up to say thank you to whoever held the door open for him and froze. 

“Jared. How nice to see you.” Tyler, Chad’s longtime partner, was holding the door with a wide smile on his face. “I just thought you should know, the _entire_ department misses you.” He slipped past Jared into the courthouse and although he didn’t touch or even graze Jared, a chill moved down his spine. 

“Jared?” Angela asked, turning around from her spot a few steps below him. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Jared swallowed hard, fighting the urge to look behind him into the pair of eyes he knew was still on his back. “I’m fine.” He jogged down the stairs and didn’t relax until he was in the safety of Angela’s car.


	6. Wildest Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating from Mature to Explicit. I hadn't originally planned on writing explicit content... but my stories usually take me where they want to go. I hope this isn't a problem for anyone and I apologize in advance if it is. If that is the case... the explicit content is in Jared's portion of the chapter.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chaptersixbanner_zpszrievdkq.jpg.html)

**Chapter Six: Wildest Dreams**  
 _He said 'let's get out of this town_  
 _Drive out of the city_  
 _Away from the crowds'_  
 _I thought heaven can't help me now_  
 _Nothing lasts forever_  
 _But this is gonna take me down_  
 _He's so tall, and handsome as hell_  
 _He's so bad, but he does it so well_  
 _I can see the end as it begins_  
 _My one condition is_  
 _Say you'll remember me_  
'Wildest Dreams' by Taylor Swift, 1989.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

Jensen Ackles was a patient man, or at least that's what he liked to believe. He never got annoyed or anxious if he had to wait in line at the bank, or was stuck in rush hour traffic. He allowed his mother to go through her tirade of worrying how he was doing and cursing him for not calling enough, with lack of complaint and a smile on his face. He knew that good things came to those who wait, and he was okay with that. Today, however, he was not a patient man.

He had less than 36 hours.

"Ackles! Are we going out tonight for one last night on the town?" He was instantly irritated when he answered the phone and it was Tom on the other end.

"Dude," He sighed, trying not to show his exasperation. "I am going to be spending the next twelve months with you."

"Don't you want to get some before we go and you're stuck with me?" Tom laughed, and Jensen could picture the eyebrow his friend probably had raised in suggestion.

"Well..." Jensen laughed. "I'm good tonight, man. I'll see you on Monday morning, bright and early."

"Alright... well if you change your mind, me and a bunch of the guys are going to be at Gotham." Tom replied.

"Okay, I appreciate the invite." Tom grunted a reply before hanging up and Jensen stared at the screen as the call cleared to show the time. He still have twenty five minutes until Jared was out of work. He threw himself back down on his couch, sighing.

"Yes?" He answered his phone the next time it rang, expecting another invite.

"Well, that's a nice hello." Jared's voice washed over him and he didn't bother fighting the goofy smile as he sat up.

"I thought so."

"So, I'm leaving work now... I just have a few things to pick up. Did you still want to hang out tonight?" Jared asked and Jensen could hear the sounds of the subway in the background.

"What kind of question is that? Of course I want to spend the night with you." Jensen glanced over to the shopping bag he tossed onto the counter when he had gotten back from the base that morning. He chewed his lower lip as he thought about what he bought, wondering if he was expecting too much or being too pushy.

"Just making sure... I figured Tom would probably be planning to get everyone well and smashed this weekend. Do you mind coming to my place?" Since Jared had gotten back to New York, they had barely spent any time apart, alternating between the two apartments. For the most part, Jared had preferred to come up to Jensen's apartment and Jensen had a sneaking suspicion that the other man felt safer knowing Chad didn't know the phone number or the address he was at.

"Yeah, just let me know when to come down. Should I get dinner?"

"No, I have everything taken care of. Just bring your clothes for tomorrow and a six pack." Jensen heard the smile on the other end. "I have a surprise for you."

"For me? Well, now I definitely can't wait." Jensen laughed, feeling slightly better about his earlier purchase. Maybe he wasn't being pushy after all...

Jensen relaxed into the couch again after Jared hung up, a good anxious feeling fluttering through his stomach. He couldn't believe the past two months had flown by so quickly... August had crept up on him and sucker punched him in he stomach, a huge reality check to what was fast approaching. Even though it was a Saturday, he had spent his morning checking equipment and supplies for himself as well as his team to make sure that everything was set so Monday morning they could load up the buses and make their way to Jersey.

When he agreed to sign up for another tour... he hadn't expected to be in a relationship. He didn't even know _how_ to be deployed and maintain a relationship at the same time. The last tour he had gone on, he hadn't met Adam yet, and was content to spending his evenings screwing around in chat rooms.

As he lay, staring up at the ceiling, he couldn't stop the thoughts of doubt from blossoming. What if Jared met someone else while he was gone? He was so proud of the other man. Jared had come back to New York with a newfound ambition to shed his past and had been slowly gaining confidence in himself. Anyone with eyes could see how special Jared was... He was beautiful, inside and out. Jensen knew how lucky he was to be able to have Jared as his boyfriend, to be able to share his nights with him, to talk with him and wake up beside him.

But, the conversations with the other guys from the unit were less than encouraging. Jensen was shocked at how many guys came in over the past few weeks declaring they had ended their relationships or had gotten separate accounts or lawyers or passed their assets onto their parents regardless of how long their relationships had been.

When he mentioned his confusion over the situation to Tom, his friend had looked at him like he was crazy.

"Dude, you know how many chicks can't handle a deployment? Hell, half the guys who are staying in relationships will stray while we're over there. Distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder... it just makes your dick harder." Although Jensen didn't think that was an _actual_ quote, it made sense. And that terrified him.

How was a two month relationship going to survive a year deployment? Jared didn't have the support of other soldier's wives or girlfriends, there was no FRG to offer him solace, and Jensen wasn't even sure what his schedule would be like as far as communication.

Jensen sat up as Jared texted him he was ready. He knew he should probably voice some of his concerns to Jared... that was what you _did_ in a relationship. Jensen moved into the bedroom, throwing an extra set of clothes in a small duffel bag and adding the shopping bag from the counter when he got back into the kitchen. He grabbed a pack of beer from the fridge and made sure all of the lights were shut off in the apartment before making his way down to Jared's door.

He hesitated as the realization hit him. He wasn't scared of Jared straying, or him for that matter. He knew neither one of them would do that to the other. He wasn't even really afraid of Jared breaking things off with him. No, what he was truly afraid of was this deployment changing him, changing them, and their relationship ending before all of this was done and over with. Because Jensen knew as he stood outside of his boyfriend's door that he had fallen. And he had fallen hard. 

Jensen jumped as the door opened, Jared giving him a strange look.

"I thought I heard someone come to the door. What are you doing?" He laughed, grabbing Jensen's jacket and pulling him against his chest to kiss him hello.

"Lost in thought." Jensen smiled against Jared's lips. "I brought beer." Jared took the case from him and pulled the door shut behind him.

"Okay... Do you trust me?" Jared asked, still smiling. His eyes were sparkling as they searched Jensen's face, his dark blue shirt bringing out the flecks of blue in his eyes. Jensen reached up, cupping Jared's face in his hands and pulling him closer. Jared let out a small gasp in surprise but reached his free hand to grab Jensen's hips and hold them together.

"With everything." Jensen replied as he broke the kiss.

"Okay. Close your eyes." Jared said, waiting for Jensen to obey. He felt Jared's free hand find his, their fingers intertwining as Jared pulled him gently forward.

"You're not going to make me smash into anything hard, are you?" Jensen laughed, almost slamming into Jared's back as they stopped. They had only gone a few feet and Jensen figured they were standing in the living room. Jared moved to stand behind Jensen, his long arms wrapping around his stomach, pulling him back into his chest.

"Open." Jared whispered in his ear, making a shiver go up Jensen's back.

"What the--" Jensen gasped as he took in the living room. Jared had moved all of the furniture out of the way, pushed and stacked against one wall. He had slung a black sheet up over the large windows. Two sleeping bags were laid out on one side of the room, a sheet tacked up to hang over them, almost like a tent. The coffee table had been left, a George Foreman grill sitting on top of it with a stack of paper plates and plastic silverware. Beside the table was a large red cooler and a large FM radio sitting on top. "Jay?"

"I knew you were upset we didn't get the chance to get out and go camping because of your training schedule and my work. So, I figured if we blocked out the view of the city, put on some scratchy radio station that only plays old-time country and slept in sleeping bags... we could at least pretend. I didn't think management would appreciate us setting a fire, so I broke out old George here." Jared's arms squeezed around him before he let go and moved to shove the beers into the cooler. "Is this okay?" He asked, his cheeks slightly pink as he watched Jensen carefully.

"Jared... this is perfect. I don't even know what to say." Jensen said, looking around the room once more.

"Well... you can say, 'I'm going to cook us dinner since you did all the work putting up the tent'." Jared laughed.

"Oh, is that how that works?" Jensen crossed the room, kissing Jared again. "This is not the surprise I thought you had for me." He laughed, reaching down to grab two beers for them.

"What did you think my surprise was?" Jared cocked his head, accepting the beer and moving to sit cross legged on the floor. He flicked the radio on, a scratchy Johnny Cash song suddenly serenading them.

"Nothing." Jensen could feel himself blush. He should have realized that comment was an invitation for a conversation. "What's for dinner?"

"Jen?" Jared gave him a look again, patting the ground beside him. "Are you actually embarrassed?"

Jensen sighed, closing his eyes as he sat beside him. "No. I just..." He stopped, trying to force himself to relax. He looked up at Jared, his boyfriend staring at him, completely relaxed. "I was just thinking about us... and how we're not going to be seeing each other for a while... and I kind of... I don't know... assumed that maybe..." He stopped again, blushing crimson as he tore his eyes away and looked down at his hands. "I feel like I'm in fucking high school."

"Jensen, what the hell are you so embarrassed about?" Jared pushed him gently, letting his knee fall against Jensen's leg. Jensen sighed, crawling across the floor to grab his bag and opening it to toss the shopping bag into Jared's lap. This was not the way he had anticipated this conversation going… Jared opened it up and froze. "Oh."

"I'm sorry, we don't have to. I don't want you to feel like we do. I just didn't know and now I feel stupid and why are you laughing?" Jensen watched as Jared pulled out the box of condoms and lubricant from the bag.

"Jen... you don't have to be embarrassed. We haven't really talked about it, so I'm glad you're the one that brought it up." Jensen swallowed hard, hoping this conversation wasn't going to ruin their night. Although in the past two months he and Jared had engaged in some heavy petting sessions, they had only ended up with all of their clothes off twice. "Jensen, look at me."

"Jared, just forget it. You went through all this trouble for me, and I’m more than happy just spending time with you." Jensen forced a smile on his face and moved to plug in the small grill, stilling when Jared's hand covered his own.

"Jensen, look at the sleeping bags." Jared said, turning to point. Jensen looked over his shoulder to see the same supplies tucked in the back corner against the wall, hidden from sight by the makeshift tent before.

"Really?" He asked, turning to face Jared fully.

"Yeah." Jared shrugged, suddenly looking shy. "I... I want to try. I know the last time didn't go that well..." Jensen grabbed Jared's face gently as he moved to look away.

"Are you sure? I don't want to push." He said softly, searching Jared's eyes.

"I am... I want to." Jared nodded, grabbing Jensen's hands. "I've wanted to."

"Okay." Jensen whispered, forgetting about their open beers and the grill. He pushed up on his knees, moving quickly to close the space between them. He kissed Jared gently, silently asking permission. He definitely wasn't hungry for anything other than what Jared was offering anymore.

[](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)  


Jared tensed as Jensen's lips found his again, suddenly nervous. Although he had bought the same supplies Jensen had, anticipating the same outcome for the night, he was suddenly worried it was too soon. He didn't want their last night together to end up with him a bawling mess on the floor. He nodded against Jensen's lips, breaking their kiss to crawl backwards on the floor to the sleeping bags. Jensen followed him, settling their bodies together as Jared laid back on the floor.

"If anything upsets you, anything at all, tell me Jay." Jensen stilled above him, watching him carefully. Jared nodded, reaching up to kiss him again. "No, say it Jay. If you change your mind, if something feels wrong... I want you to tell me. This is for you as much as for me." Jensen pulled back slightly.

"I will... I promise." Jared willed himself to relax and push back the anxious feeling settling in his stomach. If anything, he wanted to try. He wanted to give this to Jensen. Earlier in the day he had been thinking about tonight at work, having to calm himself more than once when arousal pooled deep in his belly before he was set to see a patient. He wanted Jensen to have something to think about and remember while he was gone, and he himself wanted this.

Jensen nodded, dipping his head down to claim his mouth again. Jared moaned softly against his lips, opening his mouth to allow Jensen in. As Jensen explored his mouth, Jared reached between them to dust his fingertips across Jensen's lower stomach, smiling as Jensen groaned and pressed his hips up against Jared's hands.

Jensen felt good, familiar as he was pressed up against him. Jared ran his hands up Jensen's chest, pushing his shirt up as he went.

"Off." He said against Jensen's lips, tugging once. Jensen smiled down at him, pushing to his knees to pull the shirt off. He held his hands out and Jared let himself be pulled up into a sitting position to pull his shirt off as well. As the fabric was flown behind him, Jared placed his hands on Jensen's hips, leaning forward to kiss and lick the soft skin just above Jensen's jeans.

"Impatient." Jared laughed as Jensen bucked his hips forward.

"Well, that's not very nice." He pushed Jared back down, slipping one of his legs between Jared's. Jared could feel Jensen's entire length, straining against his jeans and pressed into his thigh. He smiled, tipping his head to catch Jensen's lips as he traced his fingers over the zipper.

"I never said I was playing nice." Jared smirked as he pulled his hand away. Jensen kissed him hard, his hands roaming over Jared's bare chest. He moved, slowly kissing his way down Jared's neck, biting softly at his collar bone. Jared groaned as Jensen's lips encased one of his nipples, his tongue flicking out to circle the small nub. Jensen's hand reached up to find his, intertwining their fingers as he kissed across Jared's chest to give his other nipple the same treatment.

Jared's entire body was on fire, soaking in all of Jensen's warmth. He let his eyes flutter closed, all of his senses focused on Jensen's body covering and claiming his own. Jensen was making his way down Jared's chest, kissing and licking as he went. When he reached the puckered scar, Jared froze, his eyes flying open to meet Jensen's lust blown eyes.

"You're so beautiful, Jay." He whispered, pressing his lips carefully against his skin, sending a shiver through Jared's body. "Perfect." He kissed it again before continuing on his path once Jared relaxed. When he reached the top of Jared's jeans, he looked up again, eyes locked with Jared's as he thumbed the button open and slowly dragged the zipper down. Jared fought not to move his hips as Jensen slowly slid the jeans down, taking Jared's boxers with him and leaving him completely naked.

Jared shivered in anticipation as Jensen moved back up, kissing the inside of his knees and thighs, his breath ghosting over Jared's most sensitive parts. Jensen smirked, moving back up completely to kiss Jared softly.

"You're not the only tease." He laughed as Jared pushed him, rolling their bodies so Jensen was trapped underneath him. Jared pressed himself against the exposed skin of Jensen's stomach and smiled as Jensen's laugh caught in his throat. He shifted to settle between Jensen's legs, kissing down Jensen's chest, treating him in the same manner he was treated.

By the time Jared had slipped the rest of Jensen's clothing off, both of them were breathing hard. Jared crawled back up beside Jensen, brushing his fingers across Jensen's even-shorter hair and pulling him in for a slow kiss. He bit Jensen's lower lip slightly, pressing deeper as Jensen's lips fell open, accepting him. He pressed himself against Jensen, hoping to portray every thought, every emotion he was feeling into the kiss.

He wanted this, he wanted to give Jensen all of him. He wanted Jensen to know how he felt about him, how much he had come to rely on him in the short time they’d been together. He wanted him to know how afraid he was to lose him and how the thoughts of this deployment had been keeping him up at night, knotting through his stomach. 

Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared, rolling them once again.

"Jen..." Jared whispered, looking away from the piercing green eyes. "I... I'm scared I'm going to fuck this up."

Jared closed his eyes as Jensen's hand cupped his cheek and pulled his face up to look at him. "I would never, ever hurt you."

"I know." Jared pressed a light kiss to Jensen's lips, trying to force back the fear. He had managed to stop thinking about Chad whenever things started heating up between them and when they were finally moving towards the next step? All of the memories he had locked tightly away were coming pouring back in.

"We don't have to Jared." Jensen said, pressing his lips against his forehead.

"I want to. I do." Jared said, suddenly feeling too exposed. "I'm so fucked up... I shouldn't even be associating him with you." He closed his eyes, shame replacing the fear.

"Babe, you are not fucked up. Don't say that." Jared could feel Jensen's fingers brushing his hair behind his ear. "Look at me." Jared opened his eyes and looked up slowly. "You're so amazing, I wish you could see that. You're kind, and caring, and sexy as hell. What he did to you? You didn't deserve. And I am so sorry that happened to you and that you and I didn't meet sooner."

Jared flushed at the compliments and opened his mouth to argue when Jensen silenced him with another kiss.

"If you're not comfortable yet? There is nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of other things we can do to pass the time. We could even try switching places." Jensen added after a moment, shrugging his shoulders in suggestion.

"Switch places?" Jared asked. "Like... having you bottom?"

"Jared, I'll do anything that you're comfortable with. And if you want to take the next step... but that's what's stopping you? I don't mind. I'm flexible."

"Well now I feel like I'm the one in high school." Jared mumbled, feeling his cheeks redden. However, he didn't miss his arousal returning. "I've never... you know..." Jensen knew about Chad, of course, but Jared had never told him that Chad had been the _only_ partner and relationship he had ever had.

"Well..." Jensen smiled as he grabbed Jared's hips and laid back, pulling Jared with him. "It will be a first for us both."

"Now I'm really afraid I'm going to fuck this up." Jared groaned, hiding his face in the crook of Jensen's neck.

"Jay," Jensen laughed, carding his hands through Jared's hair. "We don't have to do it if you don't want to." Jared pulled back to look at his boyfriend. Jared could feel every inch of Jensen's body pressed against him, knew how much he still wanted this. For some reason, Jensen wanted _him._ But, if Jared said no? If he made the choice to wait? He knew Jensen would never hold it against him and wasn't lying when he said he wouldn't be mad. That, in itself, gave Jared his answer.

"You have to tell me if I'm doing it wrong." He said against Jensen's lips as he reached above them for the bottle of lubricant. Jensen nodded against his lips, running his hands up Jared's back, pressing his fingers into his shoulder blades to press them closer together.

Jared clicked open the bottle, turning it into his palm to squeeze out some of the gel. He pulled away from Jensen to look at his palm and after a moment of hesitation, squeezed out more. Jensen chuckled as he took the bottle from him and tossed it beside them.

Jared exhaled slowly, sitting back on his legs so he could see what he was doing. Jensen let his legs fall open, watching Jared carefully. Jared had had this done to him a million times... he almost laughed at how nervous he was feeling.

"I don't want to hurt you." He said, looking up.

"You won't." Jensen replied simply, reaching down to squeeze Jared's knee. Jared nodded and moved forward, scooping up some of the lube with his finger and slowly rubbing it around Jensen's entrance. He hesitated and looked up at Jensen again, unsure exactly what it was he was waiting for. "Just go slow, I'll tell you if you're too fast. Move in circles." Jared nodded, focusing his attention back on his fingers.

He pressed one finger in slowly working it in circles as he glanced nervously up at Jensen again. Jensen had his eyes closed, his body completely relaxed and trusting. Jared moved slowly, pressing and twisting his fingers as he pulled against the muscle. The feeling of being _inside_ Jensen, the warmth and strength of his muscles clamping down on him, had Jared hard and wanting, his anxiety all but forgotten.

He pressed in slowly, watching Jensen's face carefully and backing off as a slight grimace came across his features. He stilled, waiting for Jensen to nod before continuing to twist and turn. He moved in silence, listening to the soft noises coming from Jensen below him.

"You can add another." Jensen said, opening his eyes to meet Jared's. Jared pulled his finger aside, slipping a second lubed up finger in to join the first. Feeling more comfortable, he shifted his weight so he could move up to kiss Jensen as he twisted and scissor his fingers. "God... Feels so different." Jensen laughed, groaning into Jared's mouth.

"Good different? Or bad?" Jared smiled, pushing deeper. He twisted his fingers, jumping as Jensen gasped.

"That was a good different. Do that again." Jensen said, clenching on Jared's fingers as he shifted his hips. Jared twisted again, finding a soft patch of skin and rubbing against it.

"Jesus." Jensen gasped again, pulling Jared down in a searing kiss. "I want to feel you, Jared. All of you."

Jared nodded, slowly pulling his fingers out and fumbling to get a condom. He slipped it on, grabbing the bottle of lube again so he could slick himself up. Jensen nodded, watching him as he settled between his legs. Jared pressed against the underside of Jensen's thighs, pushing his knees up and leaving Jensen laying before him, completely exposed.

He swallowed hard, guiding himself to Jensen's entrance and pressing in slowly. Jensen hissed at the thicker intrusion and Jared stilled, waiting for Jensen's body to relax around him.

"Okay... Just, slow." Jensen whispered, his eyes still closed. He found Jared's hands and held them in his own against his thighs. They moved together, slowly, until Jared was pressed fully into Jensen's body.

"God." He whispered, his cock twitching in the tight heat. "Fucking amazing." Jensen chuckled, leaning up to kiss Jared.

"I know I'm something, but you can just call me Jen." He smiled. "You can move."

Jared pulled back, setting a steady rhythm as he pressed into Jensen again. Jensen groaned against Jared's neck, biting down as he raised his hips to meet Jared's thrusts. Jared gasped at the bite, thrusting his hips harder and moaning as Jensen cried out beneath him.

Jared could feel Jensen tighten around him, their chests sliding against each other’s, their fingers twisting and pressed together. Jared was filled with everything Jensen. He felt the familiar sensation building, and he groaned as he claimed Jensen's mouth.

"You feel so fucking good, Jen." He released one of Jensen's hands, sliding between them to wrap his fingers around Jensen's hard and hot length. He squeezed gently as Jensen moaned, letting his head fall back into the pillows. He matched his hand to his thrusts, letting his own head fall back. "Jensen... I want you to come for me."

"God... Jared..." Jensen gasped, bucking his hips up as he reached to grab Jared's ass, pulling his body hard. Jared felt his body respond, his balls tighten as he slammed into Jensen again.

"Come for me Jen. Come with me." He moaned against Jensen's neck. Jensen cried out again, digging his fingers into Jared's skin as he clenched around Jared, his climax hitting him. Jensen’s cock pulsed in his hand, his whispers caught in Jared’s mouth. Jared gripped Jensen's hip, feeling his own release coming on.

"Jensen!" He called out as he came, hot and hard, deep inside of Jensen's body. He rode out his orgasm before collapsing against Jensen's chest, arms instantly around him. Together they were panting, the sweat and coating of Jensen’s release that covered them both suddenly chilling. Jensen pulled Jared closer, kissing him gently.

"You know what they say while having sex while you're camping." Jared said, still breathing hard. "It's fucking in tents."

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared's body as he fell against his chest, their hearts pounding in tandem. He smiled to himself, completely content as Jared breathed against his neck. Jensen squeezed his arms tighter, hoping to convey his message.

"You know what they say while having sex while you're camping." Jared said, breaking the silence. "It's fucking in tents." Jensen could feel the smile against his skin and he couldn't hold back the laugh that erupted from him.

"Seriously?" He laughed, kissing the top of Jared's head. Jared was laughing beside him, both of their bodies shaking and Jensen couldn't help the feeling that overcame him. "Jay, I lo-"

"Don't." Jared pushed up quickly, claiming Jensen's lips and cutting him off. He pulled back, searching Jensen's eyes. Jensen swallowed the rest of his words, searching Jared's face. They were shining in the light of the living room, making something clench in Jensen's chest as he realized how close to losing it Jared was. "Don't. I know." He whispered again, kissing him hard before pushing away and crawling out of the makeshift tent. "I'll be right back." Jensen nodded to the empty room, sighing as he relaxed into the pillows.

"Screwed that up." He mumbled to himself, wondering if he should go after Jared. He heard Jared opening up a cabinet and sat up to see him coming back towards him, wearing a pair of sweats that were hung low on his hips, and a towel and wet washcloth in hand. He matched Jared's shy smile as he was handed the towels and wiped himself clean.

"Are you hungry?" Jared asked after a moment, sinking back down to rest beside Jensen. Jensen reached into his bag to pull out a pair of plaid pajama pants. He pulled them on, watching Jared carefully as he did so.

“Yeah,” He sighed, pushing his way out of the tent to plug the grill into the wall. “What are you having me make?”

“I bought some steaks.” Jared followed him out, moving the radio so he could dig into the cooler to pull out a package of beef. “And I just got some store bought potato salad and corn on the cob.”

“Do I have to make the corn on the grill too?” Jensen teased, grabbing the package of steak from him, his heart clenching as Jared pulled away quickly from his hand. 

“No, I’ll do that on the stovetop.” He smiled, leaving Jensen in the living room to start the water in the kitchen. Jensen sighed, pushing off the ground to follow him.

“Jared…” He stopped when he saw Jared leaning over the counter, taking deep breaths. “Hey…” He crossed the room and pulled Jared around to face him. 

“I’m being stupid.” Jared tried to pull away and Jensen could see the tears that were shining in his eyes, despite Jared’s best efforts to not look up.

“Jared, don’t shut down on me.” Jared stilled in his arms, closing his eyes tightly. “Talk to me, Jay. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it… but I’m not apologizing for it.”

“I’m so scared.” Jared whispered, shaking his head. Jensen pulled back, confused. 

“Scared of what? I would never hurt you…”

“I’m scared something is going to happen.” Jared looked up, his eyes shining. “I’m scared you’re not going to come home to me. I’m scared that you’re going to get hurt. I’m scared that… now that this happened… you’re going to walk away. That you’re not going to want me anymore because you’ve gotten what you wanted in the first place.”

“Jared… Jared, stop and look at me!” Jensen tightened his grip on Jared’s shoulders as his boyfriend tried to twist away and duck under his arms. 

“Let go of me, Jensen.” Jared whispered, looking down at Jensen’s grip on his arms. Jensen let go, his hands dropping to his sides as if they were on fire. Jared let out a shaky breath before pushing past him, leaving Jensen alone in the kitchen.

Jensen jumped as Jared’s bedroom door slammed shut. “Fuck…” He whispered, slamming his hands down on the counter. It was almost funny, they were afraid of similar things but both had swallowed their fears until the very end. Deciding to let Jared cool down first, Jensen bent down to pull a small pot from the cupboard beside the stove to pull out a small pot. He filled it with water and the two ears of corn and set it up to boil. 

He grabbed a few spices from above the stove and made his way back into the living room. He would get dinner ready, then he would convince Jared to come and eat with him, and then they would talk. Resigned to his plan, he pushed back the apprehensive feelings swirling through his stomach and focused on making the steaks. 

“Jared!” He called from the kitchen as he went to retrieve the corn from the pot. “Dinner is ready… come eat with me.” He got both plates dished out and looked up to stare at Jared’s door, willing it to open. He was answered with a silence that seemed to resonate throughout his entire body.

He sighed, putting the plates down on the table and getting off the floor. He crossed the room, exhaling a breath he didn’t know he was holding as he pushed Jared’s door open, glad it hadn’t been locked on him. Jared was laying on his stomach on his bed, a pillow bunched up between his arms. He looked up to meet Jensen’s eyes, a look Jensen couldn’t decipher flashing across his face. 

“I’ll be right out.” He said, the smile he offered looked pained. “I’m just being stupid Jen, I’m fine really.” He exclaimed as Jensen crossed the room, climbing up onto the bed and pulling Jared’s shoulder so he was laying on his back.

“Jared, please listen to me.” Jensen could feel himself practically begging as he searched Jared’s face. He needed to understand… he needed to know. “Jared, I love you. I have no plans on ‘leaving’ you, I will be here as long as you want me. I can’t change this deployment… and I know it’s going to suck. I already miss you, and I haven’t even left yet.” He reached up to cup Jared’s face, making sure the other man wouldn’t look away. “Nothing is going to happen to me.”

“You don’t know that, Jensen.” Jared whispered, shaking his head. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“Jared… I’ve been on two tours, and the worst thing that ever happened to me was a head cold.” Jensen smiled gently, rubbing his thumb across Jared’s cheek. “I am going to be spending most of my time at Bagram Air Base, safe behind walls. I have my gun and my guys at my side. And I have a reason to come home, safe and sound.”

“Do you think any of those soldiers on the news planned on something happening to them?” Jared’s voice cracked as he leaned into Jensen’s touch, tears swimming through his eyes again. “No one _plans_ on getting fucking blown up.”

“Jay… I promise you, I will come home to you.” Jensen whispered, pulling Jared’s face up to press their lips together. He could feel Jared fighting back a response and he turned his head, deepening their kiss. “I will miss you, every single day.”

“I’ll miss you too.” Jared whispered, a tear finally breaking free and slipping down his cheek. Jensen ran his thumb across it, wiping it away. “What’s the plan for Monday?”

“Well,” Jensen settled back to look at Jared, propped up on one of his elbows. “I have to be there at 0630, and we will load up all of our gear into the buses. Most of the footlockers have already been shipped down for us. I’ll be down in New Jersey for almost a month for pre-mob at Fort Dix…”

“You’re going to Fort Dicks?” Jared snorted, a soft laugh escaping. “Seriously? Fort Dicks?”

“Shut up.” Jensen smiled back, kissing him. “It’s D-I-X… but yeah… I don’t know who came up with that one.”

“Right, so you’re spending a month with dicks, continue.” Jared laughed again as Jensen shoved him playfully.

“They’re probably going to give us a four day pass… But… I think my mom is planning on coming up with Mackenzie. They usually take those four days off… at least they have for my last two deployments. They won’t let us know until a few days before, and even then… the Army likes to change their minds on the drop of a dime.”

“I probably won’t be able to get the time off anyways…” Jared shrugged, and Jensen knew the disappointment he felt was matched. Jared slipped out of Jensen’s arms, getting off the bed slowly and looking back to offer Jensen a shy smile. “I’m sorry I acted like such a basket case.”

“Babe, you don’t have to apologize.” Jensen sat up and slipped off the bed, moving to pull Jared up into his arms. “This isn’t going to be easy, Jared. This isn’t going to be fun… it’s going to suck, really bad. But… I want to try. I can’t imagine walking away from this, away from you. And I hope you know that. I wasn’t interested in starting this relationship so that I could get you into bed.” 

“I’m sorry I said that.” Jared flushed as he looked away again. “That was kind of an asshole comment.”

Jensen tugged gently on Jared’s arm, pulling him forward. “Come on, let’s go eat.” Jared allowed himself to be pulled back out into the living room and Jensen motioned for him to sit while he took the plates to the microwave to heat things up. “At least camping indoors provides us with plumbing, a microwave, and protection from bugs.” He laughed as he brought back their plates and settled on the floor beside Jared. 

Jared nodded and they ate together in a comfortable silence, besides the old country station still crooning from the radio on the floor. When they were finished, Jared busied himself in the makeshift tent, opening up the sleeping bags and laying them out to create one bed. He smiled up at Jensen, motioning him over. 

As Jensen lay on his back, opening his arms to allow Jared to settle against his side with his head against his chest, he wished he could stop time. He wished they could stay like this, that tomorrow would never come. He tightened his arm around Jared’s shoulders, sighing softly. 

Jared cleared his throat, running a hand up Jensen’s chest and moving his head so he could look at him. 

“Jen?” He smiled carefully, waiting for Jensen to meet his eyes. “I love you too.” He whispered. Jensen smiled, his heart warming as he claimed Jared’s lips in a kiss.


	7. Shake it Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this at work on notepad! So if there are huge errors in grammer or spelling? Please let me know!

  
  


  
**Chapter Seven: Shake it Off**  
_But I keep cruising_  
_Can't stop, won't stop moving_  
_It's like I got this music_  
_In my mind, saying_  
_It's gonna be alright_  
'Shake it Off' by Taylor Swift,  1989

  


_From: Ackles, J. SSG Usarmy (jensen.r.ackles.mil@mail.mil)_  
_To: Padalecki, Jared (jarpad82@gmail.com)_  
\---------------------------------------  
_Hey (UNCLASSIFIED)_  
_December 1, 2014 at 03:03 AM_  
\---------------------------------------  
_Hey babe,_  
_So, I thought it was fitting to use the first day we met as the start of our relationship. That being said, it's our six month anniversary today. I'm sorry I wasn't able to get to talk to you on the phone today... I'll be heading out for a mission this week, similar to the one I did last month. When I get back though, you owe me a sexy skype date._

_How is everything going with work? Last I talked to you, they were thinking of switching to eight hour shifts. Did that end up going anywhere? I know you weren't all that thrilled about the idea. Just keep me updated, I like knowing what's going on with you at home._

_Mack emailed me... She got engaged at Thanksgiving. I'm happy for her... Just makes me miss home more, you know? I wish I had been there. At least I'll be there for the wedding though, right? And maybe you would consider being my plus one?_

_I love you, I miss you.  
\--J_

_Jensen R. Ackles_  
SFC, STA  
Senior Tactical Advisor

_Classification: UNCLASSIFIED  
Caveats: NONE_

Jared squinted at the screen, reading the email. He had set up his email to alert him whenever he recieved mail from Jensen, no matter what time it was. The alarm clock beside him seemed to scream that it was only 3 in the morning, and Jared counted quickly the nine and a half hour time difference to know Jensen was probably getting ready for lunch.

From what Jared had gotten out of his boyfriend, most of the unit was split into nights and evenings, 12 hour shifts 7 days a week, and were doing Customs Operations. Most of the guys hated it -- which made Jensen hate it because all he heard every day were complaints. Jared thought they were all crazy... Doing customs, they were mostly on the base day in and day out checking luggage and aircrafts that came into the base. Compared to what they _could_ be doing, boring was safe and Jared was _glad_ they were all bored.

Jensen, however, was tasked the opportunity to carry out missions and select his team to follow him to other bases around the country. FOBS? Or something like that... Jared had a notebook beside his laptop with all of the anagrams and their translations so he could keep up with a conversation and not have to stop his boyfriend every few seconds for clarification.

He re-read the email, his stomach churning as he came to the part about Jensen going out on another mission. Jensen wasn't allowed to talk about much of what he did on them, but had laughed when Jared suggested they were dangerous. As if laughing about it was a comfort.

Jared sighed, clicking off the phone and plunging the room back into darkness. He laid there for a moment, his head spinning. He wished he had been able to talk to Jensen... his boyfriend hated calling him in the middle of the night, even though Jared usually was up at all hours becuase of his work, Jensen always felt like he was bothering him if he ended up waking him. Jared could tell from the tone of the email that he was more than a little upset about missing, and not knowing until after-the-fact, his sister's engagement.

Jensen would be coming home in two months. The thought tore at Jared's heart. He would get Jensen back for exactly 12 days, just long enough to get used to having him at his side before he was ripped away again to finish his tour. Jensen had suggested he spend his leave in Germany so that he wouldn't upset Jared's life. It had been their first fight.

_"I could probably just head to Germany... There are three guys who have the same leave as me and two are going to Vegas, the other is going to Berlin. It's only twelve days, but I don't want to get there and then have to turn around and say goodbye to you again, you know?" Jared froze as he tried to comprehend what Jensen was suggesting._

_"You want to go to Germany?" He asked after a moment._

_"Well, what I want is to just be done with this deployment and be back at home." Jensen laughed. "I just know from my last leave, my mother spent the entire time telling me I was too skinny and my brother wanted to know every single detail of everything I did... and it was hard for them to say goodbye. I don't want to--"_

_"Jensen, I don't care if I only get to spend four fucking hours with you! It's worth it!" Jared found himself screaming into the phone, cutting him off. He was tired, he was stressed, he missed Jensen more than he thought was possible._

_"Jay... Stop screaming. I'm just thinking about you. You don't need to get upset." He could hear Jensen pleading with him on the other end of the phone._

_"Don't get upset? Don't get upset, Jen? You're suggesting not coming home. You're suggesting spending the only vacation time you're getting in fucking Germany... Do you not want to see me?" Jared fell back into the couch, his anger ebbing away to be replaced with fear._

_"No, of course not." Jensen whispered. "I miss you, so fucking much. And I would give anything to be with you right now."_

_"Then this conversation is over." Jared replied, blinking away the tears that had formed. "Let me know what days so I can make sure I take it off from work."_

Jared pulled the covers up higher under his chin, rolling over to his side to wrap his arms around a large body pillow Jensen had shipped to him the first few weeks of the deployment. Jared had slipped one of Jensen's t-shirts he had left over the pillow, the faint scent of his colonge filling Jared's senses as he pushed his face into the pillow, inhaling deeply.

"59 days." He whispered into the darkness before letting himself fall back to sleep.

Jared felt he had just fallen asleep when a knock on his door had him groaning and dragging himself out of the bed. According to his alarm, he had gotten another five hours of sleep. He padded into the living room, grabbing a t-shirt from the back of the couch and pulling it on before he answered the door.

"Hello?" He yawned as he pulled it open.

"Jared Pa-Padal-" The guy standing before him was struggling as he read the name off the clipboard.

"Padalecki. Yes, that's me." Jared sighed, leaning against the doorframe. "Can I help you?"

"Delivery." The guy said, relieved he was saved from butchering Jared's name further. "I just need you to sign." Jared took the clipboard, signing his name and accepting the package with curiosity. He hadn't ordered anything...

He shut the door and carried the large box to the table, collecting a knife from the drawer to open the package. When he pulled the cover back he gasped, smiling as he pulled out a large bouquet of deep, red roses. The bottom of the box held a large glass vase and he busied himself getting the flowers set up and watered before he ran to the laptop to email Jensen back.

_From: Padalecki, Jared (jarpad82@gmail.com)_  
_To:Ackles, J. SSG Usarmy (jensen.r.ackles.mil@mail.mil)_  
_\---------------------------------------_  
_Re: Hey (UNCLASSIFIED)_  
_December 1, 2014 at 08:36 AM_  
_\---------------------------------------_

_Hey,  
Happy Six Months too :) I got the flowers you sent me... it was a very nice wake up call. A bit cheesy for you though, I half expected someone to come out and serenade me as well! No, seriously, I love them. I wish I could send you something as well... I guess you'll just have to wait until that skype date then, huh?_

_Work is... work. They're still debating on setting up rotating shifts for 8 hours and 12 hours... I'm not sure. Most of us in the ER have expressed our feelings on being switched from 12 to 8 so we will see what they do with that. Other than that? Nothing is new at all._

_I went up to your place the other day to make sure your plants weren't dying. They all seem much happier with me taking care of them. Did you like to feed them cyanide or something? Maybe I just have the magic touch._

_I hope we can talk soon. I miss your voice... Be safe, Jen.  
Love, Jared_

_Jared Padalecki_  
_BBFE!_  
_(Best boyfriend ever)_  
_My title is so much better than yours._

He smiled as he sent the email, jumping slightly at the knock on the door. He smiled as he crossed the room to open the door again. He opened the door to an empty hallway, confused as he stuck his head out to look down each end. He looked down on the placemat to see a simple white card with 'Jared' written on the front. Smiling again, he picked it up and had barely shut the door behind him before he had it ripped open and slipped the card out.

It was a simple white card, with a cursive J on the front. He thumbed the card open and immediately froze. _Enjoy your flowers?_

The card slipped from his fingers and he slammed into the door, sliding the lock, deadbolt and chain into place. Hands shaking, he dug into his pocket for his phone and half ran into his bedroom, locking that door as well.

"This is Jensen, leave a message." Jensen's voice washed over him and his gut tightened when he realized his boyfriend wouldn't get this message until he was back in the states.

"Jensen... I need you." He whispered, squeezing his eyes shut as he slunk down against the door, pulling his knees into his chest. "I don't know how to do this without you. I'm so scared... I wish you were here." He sat in silence, pretending Jensen was on the other end until the voicemail cut off and the woman's voice directed him to press 1 to continue the message or hang up.

He clicked the call off and scrolled through his contacts, passing over Angela until he found the next best thing to Jensen.

"Jeff..." He breathed out, voice shaking as his brother answered the phone. "He's here."

  
[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)  


"Yo, Ackles." Tom jogged across the yard, slapping Jensen's back as he caught up to him. "Dude, we cleared the 342 detatchment... and you'll never guess what we had to confiscate from the Lieutenant. I thought she was going to murder us all..."

"That bad?" Jensen smirked, looking over his shoulder at Tom's face. His friend looked like a kid at a candy store, his smile almost splitting his face. 

"She had her very own silver bullet." Tom wagged his eyebrows. 

"Seriously? How embarassed was she when you found it?" Jensen knew that every branch of the military went by the same rules in the respect of approriate personal items they were allowed to have. By no means were they allowed to have objects of a sexual nature -- porn magazines, sex toys, even lubricant were illegal. Most of the time his team was busy confiscating knives and other weapons that were illegal to ship to the states, but when they hit an item of a more _personal_ nature, it was like they hit the lottery.

"On a scale of one to ten? About a million. I have never seen someone get so red. She was pretty hot though..." Tom shrugged, thinking for a moment. "I should have suggested to help her out with that little problem."

"Oh yeah. Sexual harrassment would go over real well." Jensen rolled his eyes and shoved his shoulder.

"That's what she was screaming at Smith. I thought he was going to shit himself." Tom chuckled and held open the door as they got to their barracks. "Madden or COD?" He asked as the room they shared. The barracks were made up out of hollowed out storage containers, stacked ontop of one another and sectioned off into rooms. He and Tom were lucky and only had the two of them to their room, whereas the other guys had four to a room. 

"I'm up for shooting something." Jensen said as he kicked off his shoes and sank down onto the lower bunk of his bed. "You get the others to join in?"

Tom nodded and slammed his fist onto the wall, a second knock coming back in response. "They know." The first week they had gotten there, two of the new Specialists had rigged up the barracks with what looked like a hundred different HDMI cords and connections. They had bought the flatscreen TVs and xboxs from the unit that they were replacing and soon, their entire barracks could spend their evenings or mornings off playing online together.

Jensen looked over at his laptop, trying to push back the ache he felt to try and skype Jared. Because of his promotion and rank, some of the other guys were wary about hanging out with him. Tom being on the same schedule as him gave him someone to talk to, go to the gym with and hang out with... but it also cut into the available time he had to actually talk with Jared. He sighed, turning back to the TV and grabbing one of the xbox controllers. 

Only two more months, and he would have Jared in his arms again. He smiled to himself, slipping out of his ACU jacket and leaning against the cool wall. He watched as Tom took a towel from the ground to wipte down the TV and xbox from the sand that had collected while they were at work. 

Jensen was sure he would be shitting sand for weeks after he got home. He laughed as Tom swore, shaking the sand from the towel and threw Jensen a look.

"I hate sand." He said simply, throwing himself onto his own bunk and reaching into a box he'd gotten from his mother to toss Jensen a redbull. 

"I'm getting used to it." Jensen shrugged, accepting the drink and popping the top to take a long swig. "Ready for me to kick your ass?" 

"Stop talking about my ass, Ackles." Tom threw back, making Jensen chuckle before focusing his attention on the game. They played through the evening, pausing for Tom to toss him a bag of Doritos for dinner, until they were the last two people still awake.

Tom finally caved, tossing the controller onto the top of his footlocker he had made into his nightstand and stood to stretch, his shoulders popping as he did so.

"I'm done." He said, kicking off his pants and hanging them over the top bunk. He reached up to grab a sheet that was bunched and let it fall to cover the bottom bunk -- the simple form of privacy they had. "Night." He nodded to Jensen before crawling back into the bed. 

"Night." Jensen replied, reaching up to pull down his own sheet and pulling his laptop into the small space with him. He pushed the pillow back against the wall, stretching his legs out before him to balance the laptop on his lap. He waited for his email to boot up and smiled when he came across the email from Jared. 

As much as he hated only communicating through email most of the time, it never failed to make him smile when Jared's name came through all the other bullshit the army liked to send him. He pulled out his cellphone, kept charged and on so he could quickly see the time it was back home, and wondered if he would be able to get Jared on skype. He peeked out of his curtain and listened hard for Tom's heavy breathing to let him know his friend was asleep. 

He smiled when he heard the soft snore and clicked open the email. He smiled as he started to read and them immediately froze as he got to the second line. He had played with the idea of sending Jared flowers but chickened out when he thought his boyfriend would make fun of him for the gesture. He immediately shot out of bed, tripping over the sheet as he did so.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Tom groaned, voice already thick with sleep, and sticking his head out. "Jensen? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. Be right back." Jensen bit out, trying not to trip as he yanked his PT shorts on and slipped into his sneakers, stepping on the back of them instead of getting them on the rest of the way. 

Behind him he could hear Tom swear and call his name. He ignored him and ran out of the building. A few guys from the unit on their breaks from their night shift waved hello to him, tossing him confused looks. He was sure he looked like a bat out of hell... He knew his breathing was erratic, he could hear his heart pounding in his ears. 

He ripped the door open to the office building, slipping into an empty room he know held a phone. Hands shaking, he reached into his pocket, glad his wallet was still in his PTs and pulled out the phone card his mother had sent him. His hands were shaking as he scratched off the metal paint to reveal the code he needed and quickly dialed the number.

"Pick up... pick up... pick up..." He whispered, clenching his fists around the phone as he waited for Jared to answer. He didn't know how, or why, but he had an idea of _who_ had sent Jared those flowers. Jensen's stomach churned as he thought about what else Chad could accomplish. The other man obviously had a blatant ignorance for the law he was supposed to uphold, and if he felt he was above the law? 

"Jared Padalecki! I can't come to the phone right now but--" 

"Fuck." Jensen slammed the phone down, ending the call before picking it up and dialing again. It took three more times before Jared answered the phone.

"Jen? What's wrong?" Jared's voice flooded through his body and Jensen exhaled, sharply.

"Jared. Why weren't you answering? Are you okay? Where are you?" He fired questions at him, hands still shaking.

"Um... I'm at work, babe. What's wrong?" Jared said slowly.

"I didn't send you flowers." Jensen whispered, fear still coursing through his body. "I thought about it... but I didn't. They weren't from me, Jay."

"I know." Jared replied simply, making Jensen sit up from his hunched over postition on the desk. "I figured it out almost right after I sent that email... It was just a misunderstanding."

"Did... Who sent them?" Jensen asked carefully, confused at why his boyfriend sounded so calm.

"Oh... just a patient's family member. I guess everyone got them." Jensen could see Jared shrugging, but something still felt off... "It happens sometimes. I got flowers once in Texas as well."

"Oh. Just a strange coincidence?" 

"Yeah." Jared said quickly. "It's all good. I appreciated your email this morning though. And I'm glad you called, I've missed your voice. When are you leaving for your mission?"

"Tomorrow, most likely." Jensen said, sighing as he settled back into the chair. "Sorry for over-reacting. I guess I just assumed the worst."

"Its okay, Jen. I've got to go back though... I miss you."

"I miss you too. Love you, Jared."

"I love you too, Jensen." Jared whispered and Jensen stared at the reciever in his hand as the other line clicked off.

  
  


Jared's hands shook as he ended the call, immediately guilty. He had just flat out lied to Jensen. He exhaled, leaning back into the flat pillows of the on-call room and pulled the thin sheet back up over his shoulders. The moment he saw the international number flash across his screen, he knew why Jensen was calling him. He fumbled with the phone, dropping it in the crack between the wall and had to fight to get it out, knowing he was probably giving his boyfriend a heartattack.

He had _lied_ to Jensen. 

Jared pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead, ignoring the pain that shot through his head. After he hung up the phone with his brohter, he was slammed with a migrane that no amount of over the counter pain killers would touch. 

_"J-man... I just saw Chad today... He's not in New York."_ Jeff's words still rang through his mind and still brought a chill. He had finally talked Jeff out of flying to New York, convincing him he was just over-reacting and that he would be fine. And then he immediately packed up a bag and gone straight to the hospital. 

Maybe he was being ridiculous... But something deep inside of his gut told him he wasn't. While Chad may not _physically_ be here? Jared knew his ex-boyfriend's writing almost as well as his own. 

He didn't know what Chad's game was. He wasn't supposed to contact Jared in any way, shape or form. And if he was still in Texas? Jared shuddered. He apparently had friends everywhere. Jared laid his cell phone against his chest and closed his eyes again. 

Calling Angela was out of the question... Chad had made it clear with this message and the officer down at the courthouse in Texas that he wasn't fazed. Jared was more than confident a 'gut feeling' wasn't going to hold up in court. Before he had fled the apartment complex, he had drilled Marcus at the door for who had been asking about his apartment. 

Marcus was immediately concerned and Jared had to argue with him as well that nothing neeed to be done, and no he didn't need to stop anyone from coming to visit. It wouldn't matter anyways. 

He sighed, knowing that staying in the on-call room until Jensen came home wasn't a very good solution to his problem. Chad had sent him flowers and a card... it wasn't like he had _threatened_ him. Not exactly anyways... He forced himself to relax and rolled onto his side, wishing he had somehow managed to bring his body pillow with him.

His manager already thought he was crazy for showing up at the hospital on his day off with the lame excuse of not wanting to be late for his shift tomorrow. If he had been lugging a pillow that was nearly as long as he was tall? She might have gotten him committed. 

58 days... the only thing that was keeping him going. He forced himself to think of Jensen, about what he was going to do to his boyfriend when he finally got him home, and tried to ignore the swirling guilt and fear in his stomach.

***

"Hey Marcus." Jared forced a smile as he walked into the apartment building, three days later. His manager had cornered him the night before, asking too many questions about why he was sleeping in the on-call room when he lived across the city.

"Everything okay?" Marcus reached out to stop him by grabbing his arm gently.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Heavy case load at work." Jared shrugged and hoped his smile at least appeared to be genuine. 

"Okay. How's our friend doing?" Marcus raised an eyebrow and Jared couldn't help but smile. Jensen and Jared had argued about just how observant the older man was a few weeks before Jensen had left. Jared was convinced Marcus had eyes and ears everywhere in the building.

"He's doing well." Jared nodded. "He'll hopefully be coming home for leave in a couple months."

"You tell him I said to stay safe?" Marcus released his hold on Jared's arm and clapped him on the back. "Let me know if you need anything."

"I will, thanks Marcus." Jared slipped past him and made his way to the elevator, trying to ignore the nerves that were suddenly back in full swing. He let himself into his apartment and immediately felt like he was being watched. He let his overnight bag drop to the floor and cautiously stepped into the apartment. Everything was as he left it, but he still felt out of place. 

He walked into the kitchen and froze as he saw the roses still sitting on the counter, staring at him. He picked the bunch up, tossing it and the vase into the trashcan and slamming the lid back down. As much as he _thought_ that would make him feel better? He felt empty and completely alone. 

He couldn't stay here. Chad may be physically in Texas, but he was here. The scent of the roses lingered in the kitchen space and made Jared's stomach twist. He was going to be sick... He stumbled into the bathroom, falling to his knees seconds before he emptied his stomach. He couldn't stay here where Chad had managed to ebb his way into Jared's life, into the saftey of his apartment half a country away. 

When he was convinced his stomach wouldn't betray him again, Jared pushed up from the floor and grabbed a duffel bag from the closet. He let himself into the bedroom and froze in the doorway.

Laying on his pillow was a single red rose and the body pillow was on the floor, Jensen's t-shirt in shreds beside it. Jared slammed his back against the wall, eyes darting around the room. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening. His heart hammered in his chest, and he felt light headed, a cool sweat breaking out across his chest and back. 

Kicking himself into gear, he ran over to his dresser, tossing in handfulls of clothing, not caring to look at what he was grabbing. He slammed the bedroom door shut behind him and crossed to the living room to grab his laptop and charger. He picked up the small bag he had left by the door and grabbed the set of keys Jensen had given him hanging by the door. 

He let himself back into the hallway, trying to calm his breathing when the woman from across the hall gave him a strange look and moved to touch him, to ask if he was okay. 

No! He wanted to scream. He wasn't okay. Chad would _never_ let him be okay. He shook his head at her and slipped past her outstretched arm to let himself onto the elevator. He hit the six button and half ran to Jensen's door. He looked up and down the hallway to make sure no one had seen him and quickly let himself into his boyfriend's apartment, locking and deadbolting the door behind him. 

He needed to talk to Jensen. He needed Jensen here. He slid down the door, pulling his knees up into his chest as he finally let all of his emotions out as he sobbed into his arms. The apartment was dark, but inviting. Calming himself down, he pulled himself up and brought his bags into Jensen's bedroom, relaxing as the faint scent of Jensen washed over him. He slipped into the master bathroom and found the small bottle of cologne Jensen used. He squirted it a few times into the bedroom before pulling his laptop up from the floor and starting it up.

_From: Padalecki, Jared (jarpad82@gmail.com)_  
To:Ackles, J. SSG Usarmy (jensen.r.ackles.mil@mail.mil)  
\---------------------------------------  
Re: Hey (UNCLASSIFIED)  
December 4, 2014 at 6:40 PM  
\---------------------------------------  
Hey,  
So I haven't talked to you in a few days, so you're probably out on your mission now... I was just missing you I guess, and this was the closest thing I had to talking to you short of calling a million times and listening to your voicemail again. Which I may or may not have done more times than I care to admit. 

_I hope that everything is going good over there... I sent you a package but I made sure to address it to you and Tom. I sent the new COD game for you and your extra battery for your controller. I was going to send some of those cookies from the bakery but decided they would probably melt on the way and I should just eat them for you._

_Just so you know... I kind of brought some of my things up to your apartment and am going to stay here. It makes me feel closer to you. I hope you don't mind? I was here most of the time anyways... But I figured I should probably let you know. If you have a problem with it it's totally cool and I'll go back downstairs._

_I am however typing this while I'm sitting in your bed. So use that image to its full extent._

_I miss you Jensen... These four months have crawled by... I just want you to be home. I think when you come back, if you're up for it, we should get away for a bit. Maybe go on a cruise or something? Hell, even camping (for real this time). As long as I'm with you._

_I love you.  
Jared_

Jared sent the email and put the laptop on the opposite side of the bed, letting himself crawl underneath the covers on Jensen's side of the bed. He pulled Jensen's pillow closer to his face, letting the tears fall again. He ached, even in the deepest parts of his body. Now that the email was sent, he suddenly felt more alone knowing that Jensen probably wouldn't even read his words for another week at least. 

He should have told Jensen... but how do you explain over an email that you lied? He wondered if he should call Jeff or Angela to let them know what else had happened. Someone had let themselves into his apartment... His laugh was sharp and bitter as it rang through the quiet room. Chad had never gotten him flowers before, had always said they were a cop-out. He closed his eyes, breathing in Jensen's cologne and trying to ignore the lingering scent of roses he swore he could still smell. 

He felt dirty. He felt exposed. Jensen had more than enough to worry about being overseas, he didn't need to worry about Jared too. Jared threw back the covers and stripped his clothes off as he moved back into the bathroom, turning on the water as hot as it could go and stepping under the spray. His scar throbbed painfully, reminding him, goading him. He scrubbed his skin raw, tears washing away with the heavy spray of the shower. 

He lathered up the washcloth twice, rinsing his body and still not feeling clean enough to be in Jensen's bed. His skin throbbed, small pinpricks of blood rising to the surface around the area of his scar where he had scrubbed until he felt he was going to be sick again. He shut the water off, his skin chilled as he leaned against the side of the shower.

What the hell did Jensen even see in him? He was damaged, he had the scars both physical and emotional to prove it. He dug his palms into his eyes, angrily wiping away the tears that were still leaking out. He knew he was being pathetic, he had never _needed_ anyone before. He dried off quickly, stopping at Jensen's closet to pull out a worn pair of sweatpants and pulling them on. He crawled back into Jensen's bed, burying himself deep into the covers and exhaling slowly. 

For the first time in three days, he felt safe, lost in the comfort of Jensen's home. He may not deserve it, Jensen's love or patience, but he sure as hell was grateful for it. 

The only thing missing now, was Jensen himself.


	8. I Wish You Would

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three Chapters in a week!? I've hit my writing stride!!!

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chaptereightbanner_zps6f4dnwkc.jpg.html)

**Chapter Eight: I Wish You Would**  
 _”I wish you would come back  
Wish I’d never hung up the phone like I did  
I wish you knew that, I’d never forget you as long as I’d live  
And I wish you were here, right now  
It’s all good, I wish you would  
I wish we could go back and   
Remember what we were fighting for  
Wish you knew that, I miss you too much to be mad anymore  
And I wish you were right here, right now_”  
‘I Wish You Would’ by Taylor Swift 1989

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

“Hey baby.” Jensen found himself instantly relaxing as soon as Jared’s face appeared on his computer screen. The resolution was crappy, the sucky internet connection sometimes made their conversation choppy, but short of actually being with Jared? Jensen wouldn’t trade this for anything. 

“Hey.” Jared smiled, reaching forward to adjust the camera on his laptop. “You look so good.”

“Nothing like you.” Jensen smiled, crossing his ankles and leaning back against the wall. He had convinced Tom to go with the guys to the gym alone, claiming he had an upset stomach and wasn’t up for lifting weights today. Jared blushed and sucked his lower lip into his mouth and Jensen didn’t bother to mask the groan that escaped from deep in his throat. “God, Jay… The first thing I am going to do when I get home, in thirty fucking days by the way, is suck on that lip myself.”

Jared’s eyes widened at the thought and the grin he was rewarded made Jensen wish he had a time machine and could fast forward the next month until he was able to be home and in Jared’s arms. 

“I can’t wait.” Jared whispered, catching Jensen’s eyes through the screen. They smiled at each other, silence falling over them for a minute. It was comfortable, and Jensen knew Jared was taking a moment to just take him in, just as he was doing. “I have to tell you something.” Jared sighed, looking away from the screen and Jensen knew he was picking at his thumb nail.

“Everything okay?” He could hear the concern in his voice as he shifted so he could sit straighter up on the bed. “Jared?”

“Yeah… Well, mostly.” Jared shrugged, looking sheepish as his eyes flashed back up to the screen. “I don’t want you to get pissed at me.”

“Why would I be pissed at you, Jared?” Jensen felt his insides freeze. He swallowed hard, wanting to tell Jared to stop, that whatever it was he was better off not knowing. He repeated Jared’s name, wincing at how hard he sounded. He didn’t want to know, but he _had_ to know.

“Jen… no, nothing like that.” Jared shook his head quickly, alarm crossing his features as he studied Jensen’s face. “Fuck, I wish we didn’t have to do this over fucking skype.” He sighed and Jensen watched him lean back, smiling slightly when he realized Jared was laying in his bed. 

“Jared… you’re kind of freaking me out here, man. Just… whatever it is, just say it.” Jensen sighed, forcing himself to breathe and calm his now racing heart. 

“Um… Well…” Jared closed his eyes tightly and Jensen could tell from the parts of his upper body he could see that Jared was clenching his fists at his side. “I should have told you, and I know that you’re going to be pissed that I didn’t, but I didn’t want to worry you and so I kind of maybe omitted the truth as to the real reason why I’m staying in your apartment and not mine.” Jared’s voice rushed out in one quick breath before he opened his eyes, worry flitting across his features.

“I don’t… what?” Jensen shook his head, completely missing the point. “I don’t care that you’re at my place, babe. I kind of like thinking of you in my bed.”

“Yeah… well… I’m here because Chad has been sending me messages and things at my place.” Jared winced at the camera and Jensen could only imagine what his face was betraying.

“What?” He could feel his teeth clenching as he sat up fully, suddenly reaching for his gun. There was nothing he could do, not here and not now, but he felt better with the 9mm clenched in his fist, the other hand balancing his laptop. “What the fuck do you mean he’s been sending you messages? Why didn’t you tell me, Jared? What kind of messages?”

“Um… well… the flowers for one…” Jared whispered and jumped as Jensen yelled.

“What? You said those were from--” He cut off, forcing himself to exhale slowly. He was pissed, anger swirling through his stomach as he realized Jared had lied to him. But as he took in his boyfriend’s face on the other end and realized he was shaking as he was trying to steady the laptop, Jensen knew he had to calm down. “Tell. Me. Everything.” 

“He’s not here… Jeff has been kind of keeping tabs on him… so I’m not sure who he has in New York helping him. But after I got the flowers he sent me a card, asking if I liked them. I stayed at the hospital for a night or two and when I went back home there was a rose on my pillow. And that’s when I started to stay up in your place.” Jared gave him a small smile, his voice shaking. “And, um, I’ve been getting like little cards and old pictures of us and stuff in my mailbox. And I didn’t want to worry you about it… I just wanted to take care of it myself.”

“So why are you telling me now?” Jensen spat out, fighting the urge to laugh. 

“Because-”

“Ackles!” The door to the room slammed open, Tom waltzing back in with a smile plastered on his face. 

“Fuck.” Jensen swore, slamming down the top of his laptop, cutting off any response Jared was coming up with. “What the hell, Tom?”

“Watching porn? Hope you’re decent.” Tom laughed, yanking the sheet back, the light from the room making Jensen curse and duck further into the bed. 

“Seriously?” He said, kicking his leg out at his friend, hands shaking and anger still coursing through him.

“Watch it!” Tom jumped back. “I figured I would keep you company if you weren’t feeling good. What’s wrong?” He finally seemed to catch onto Jensen’s mood and crouched down on the ground so he would be at face level. 

“Nothing.” Jensen shook his head, pressing his hands against his eyes and slamming his head back into the wall.

“Dude, I’ve only seen you this pissed like once. What the fuck happed in the ten minutes I was gone?”

“Tom? I don’t want to talk about it.” Jensen pulled his hands back and met his friend’s eyes, silently pleading with him to just drop it. “Seriously. Personal crap, okay?”

“Yeah… okay.” Tom nodded after a moment, still watching him carefully. “Jensen… You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I care, about you, you know? Like, seriously, anything.” Tom struggled over the words but his sincerity was there.

“No homo.” Jensen said, halfheartedly and sat up to clap Tom on the shoulder.

“Yeah.” Tom nodded, a strange expression on his face. What the hell did that mean? Jensen shook his head and pushed his legs off the bed so they were on the ground.

“I’m feeling better. Let me get my PTs and then I’ll head with you to the gym.” He used Tom’s shoulder to push himself off the bed and crossed the room to his footlocker. He slipped out of his ACUs and into his PTs, exchanging his combat boots for his sneakers.

“Are you sure?” Tom asked, hesitating. Jensen threw him a look, making his friend sigh and grab two bottles of water from the floor by the end of his bed and tossing one to Jensen. “Whatever, man.”

Jensen threw all of his frustrations into the beat up equipment they had at their makeshift gym. He ignored Tom’s warnings to slow down, pushing himself harder and further than he had in the months they had been there. He needed to feel the burn, to feel the pain. Anything to block out the non-physical pain he felt in every part of his body.

Jared had _lied_ to him. He slammed the bar back into its holder, ignoring Tom cursing at him as he sat up and pulled the towel up from the ground to wipe his face and shoulders. He had basically lied to his face. For almost a month… What else had Jared lied about? Jensen’s gut clenched at the thought.

He didn’t want to think of Jared lying to him about anything… but if he lied about one thing, didn’t that open the door for others? He closed his eyes, rolling his shoulders back and wincing at the burn he felt there. _Why_ would Jared lie to him?

“Dude. We’re done.” Tom pulled him out of his thoughts, gripping his shoulder hard to draw his attention up. “You’re going to hurt yourself. You’re done.” Jensen nodded, letting himself be pulled off the bench and following Tom to the shower. “Jesus Christ, Jensen.” Tom was still muttering to himself as he stripped out of his PTs and hit the shower dial, a lukewarm spray hitting his back. 

“I’m fine.” Jensen said, stripping his own clothes off and stepping under his own spray, a few shower heads away. 

“Yeah, sure you are.” Tom snorted. “Whatever the hell has you so messed up right now? It’s not worth hurting yourself over.”

“I’m fine, Tom. Just got too absorbed.” Tom snorted again and ignored him, focusing on his shower and leaving Jensen alone again with his thoughts. 

_”Adam?” Jensen froze, fighting the urge to wipe his eyes and make sure he wasn’t seeing things._

_His ex turned around slowly, a sheepish smile on his face. He whispered something to the tall man he had been walking with before moving forward to close the space between them._

_“Hey, Jensen.” He said, nodding as he looked Jensen up and down._

_“What—I thought you were…” He stopped, shaking his head, confused. “You said you were leaving.”_

_“I was leaving _you_.” Adam said softly, reaching forward to squeeze Jensen’s forearm. Jensen tensed, wanting immediately to pull away._

_“I don’t…” He shook his head again, hating the fact that he could feel tears spring to his eyes._

_“I meant what I said… I couldn’t live that way anymore. I couldn’t have a boyfriend who refused to stand up for me, up for us. Your career was important, I understand that.” Adam smiled, drawing his hand back. “But I needed to be the most important thing, I deserved that… you know?” Jensen stared at him, unable to respond. “And before I left, I met someone… and he’s been…” He stopped, letting out a breath. “You look good, Jensen.” He smiled once more before slipping away and returning to the man he left waiting in the checkout._

Jensen sighed, washing himself quickly to make sure Tom wouldn’t be waiting for him to finish. They dressed in silence and headed back to their room, the wind causing sand to stick to his slightly damp skin. 

“I’m going to go and get something to eat, okay?” Tom said when they got back into their room and dropped off his stuff from the gym onto his bed. “I’ll bring you something back.” Jensen nodded, appreciating the gesture of his friend giving him space.

He sat on his bed, pulling his laptop up onto his lap. He knew Jared had the night off… and would have his cellphone or laptop open, ready to alert him if Jensen sent another skype call through. He opened the application, hesitating over Jared’s name. 

He sighed, closing the top of the laptop and laying back into his pillow. He knew the moment he got Jared back on the phone? It would be a fight. He wasn’t ready for that…. He wasn’t prepared for there to be an issue. He closed his eyes and wished he could go back a few hours and pretend that nothing had happened, that he had managed to get Jared naked way before they started talking. He rolled onto his side, kicking his shoes off to plunk onto the floor and twisted one of his arms up and underneath his head. 

Tomorrow… he would call Jared tomorrow. Maybe a night to cool off would be good for them. Jensen could still feel the lingering anger and tried to believe that it was stronger than the feeling of betrayal.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

Jared sunk down into the couch, clicking the TV on and leaving it on whatever channel he had pretended to be watching the night before. He leaned his head back, letting the noise from the program wash over him, letting him pretend that maybe he wasn’t alone. 

He had fought with himself all last night over email Jensen to finish explaining what was going on. He now had Angela calling him twice a day to check up on him, after finally coming clean. It had been her that told him he needed to keep Jensen informed, that it wasn’t fair to keep Jensen in the dark and treat him any differently just because he wasn’t physically there. 

Now, as he was greeted from silence from both his laptop and his cell phone? He wasn’t so sure. He hated lying to Jensen… but telling him the truth when he was a thousand miles away? Jared didn’t think that had been the best choice. He had no way to get in touch with Jensen and now was at the mercy of his boyfriend. 

And that just sucked. Jared clicked the TV off, tossing the remote as the anger he felt last night returned. Jensen had hung up on him, completely cut him off from explaining. As if he wanted to tell him he’d been the worst possible boyfriend for lying and _not_ have an actual reason for coming clean. Jensen _knew_ Jared would have to wait for whenever Jensen had managed to find the time to call him back. 

He chewed on his lower lip, trying to calm himself down. He jumped at the sudden clattering of his phone, vibrating its way across the coffee table. He picked up, his heart jumping to his throat when he saw the number. 

“Hello?” He said, hoping he didn’t sound too anxious, too worried, or too angry.

“I’m just calling to let you know that I’m leaving in about an hour for a mission and when I get back we need to talk.”

“Hello to you too.” Jared laughed bitterly.

“Not really feeling like ‘hello’ right now, Jared.” Jensen replied, sighing. So, that’s how this was going to be.

“Whatever, Jensen. Not really looking for a hello from you either. I’m fucking pissed off.” Jared said, pushing off the couch to stand in the center of the room, needing to move.

“You’re mad at me?” Jensen sounded shocked and Jared fought not to laugh.

“Yeah Jensen, I’m mad at _you_. We were in the middle of a fucking conversation, one that was pretty fucking important I think! I sat there like an idiot thinking that maybe the internet went out and that you were going to ping me or call me back. I sat there for _three hours_ Jensen. And you waited an entire day to call me back?”

“I was pissed. And Tom had come back into the room and I couldn’t exactly explain to him that I was in the middle of a fight with my boyfriend!” Jensen hissed on the other end of the line.

“Well maybe that’s your problem.” Jared scoffed, gripping the phone tighter as he bit back the rest of his response.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jensen’s voice was cold, a strange feeling creeping in and settling in his stomach.

“Nothing. Nevermind.” Jared sighed, rubbing his temples as he felt the start of a migraine. 

“No, don’t do that. You started it, so finish it.” It was a challenge, a dare. 

“It means,” Jared started, his hands and voice shaking as he paced the large living room, trying to ignore everything that everything around him screamed ‘Jensen’. “that maybe your issue is that you’re trying to live two different lives. Tom is your so-called best friend and he knows nothing about you! I shouldn’t be put on the back burner when I’m trying to tell you something important because you’re too fucking afraid to be yourself.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Jensen’s voice was barely a whisper, but Jared heard him perfectly.

“No, no idea. It’s not like I’ve been a flaming homo most of my life.” He shot back, stopping his pacing to rest his head against the wall. “Dammit, Jen-”

“No, Jared. You know what? You knew that was one of my issues. I told you when we started this that my career was not understanding about my lifestyle. I never _lied_.” Jared felt the accusation wash over him, the anger that had started to recede returning in full swing.

“Fuck you, Jensen.” Jared swore, slamming his fist into the wall, not caring as he dented the sheetrock. “For someone you claim to ‘love’? You have a shitty way of showing it.” Before Jensen could retort, Jared pulled the phone away from his ear, slamming the off button and throwing it across the room. “Fuck!” He yelled, tears springing to his eyes as the adrenaline began to leave, leaving him shaking against the wall. 

He stared across the room at the phone, unmoving and silent on the floor. He willed it to ring, for Jensen to call him back so he could apologize, so they could fix this. He stared for what felt like hours, the phone silently telling him what he already knew. Jensen was gone.

***

“Hey, Jeff.” Jared answered the phone, trying to sound cheerful.

“Where are you? I’m here.” Jared hesitated, confused as he repeated his brother’s words slowly. “Yes, I’m here. I was sick of listening to you mope and try to pretend like everything was okay. I’m outside of your apartment.”

“I’ll be right down.” Jared said, hanging up. He looked around Jensen’s apartment, grabbing his bag from the side of the couch and the keys from the counter. Since their fight a week ago, he couldn’t bring himself to actually go back down to his apartment, but he hadn’t felt comfortable either. He had spent most of his nights sleeping on the couch or finding an excuse to sleep in the on-call room. His things had been packed up, every morning and night his toothbrush and shampoo replaced in his bag. Part of him felt like the moment he hung up on Jensen, he had sealed their fate and he had no right to be in Jensen’s apartment or his life at all. 

He spent most of his free time refreshing his email, checking to make sure his phone was on sound, and every time the disappointment crept back in, making him feel even guiltier than he already did. He knew he hurt Jensen, hell, if roles had been reversed, he would have been mad too. He didn’t blame Jensen, he just missed him. More than anything, he wished Jensen would just fucking call him so he could apologize and beg for him to forgive him. 

He slipped out of the apartment, trying not to think it would be the last time he was there, and locked the door behind him. He made his way to the elevator, shaking as he thought of his apartment. He hadn’t been inside of it since the night he had decided to stay at Jensen’s. 

He felt himself relax when he saw Jeff leaning against his door, arms crossed over his chest and watching him made his way towards him.

“Jared, you look like shit.” He said, and Jared let himself be pulled into a hug. “What the hell, man?”

“Just… had a really bad week.” He said, trying to force a smile as he shifted positions with his brother and pulled out his keys to unlock the door. He let Jeff in and hesitated, eyes scanning the small hallway quickly for any signs of intrusion.

“J-man…” Jeff said softly, pushing the door closed. “Wait here.” Jared nodded and watched as he brother slipped into the kitchen before moving into the living room and then onto the bedroom, checking for any surprises on the way. He came back into sight, a dead rose – the one that Jared hoped was the one he left on his pillow – and tossed it into the trash in the kitchen before returning to Jared’s side. “You okay?”

“Not really.” Jared mumbled, dropping his things at the doorway and moving deeper into the apartment. He made his way to the couch, sinking down and nodding to the spot next to him as an invitation for his brother. 

“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on with…?” Jeff asked him, hurt reflecting in his eyes. 

“I’m sick of bothering everyone.” Jared replied, biting back tears. “I’m sick of needing everyone. I got a restraining order and he still doesn’t give a shit. And like you said, he wasn’t even here… so it’s not like I was in danger or anything.”

“Jared… harassing you is serious. Just because you weren’t being physically hurt, because if that bastard ever lays a finger on you again, I’ll kill him, doesn’t mean you weren’t hurting. What did Jensen say about it all?”

Jared knew he looked guilty as he looked down at his lap, picking at a tear in his jeans. Jeff sighed beside him, making Jared feel like he was a child again, preparing for a lecture. He swallowed hard, turning his body to face his older brother and forcing himself to look up.

“I… I didn’t tell him until last week. And he was pretty pissed that I lied to him…” Jeff nodded, waiting for Jared to continue. “We haven’t talked since then. We got into a fight… because he hung up on me and I kind of said some things that I shouldn’t have. And I think it’s over.” The living room blurred as the tears flooded his eyes. He took in a shaky breath, allowing his brother to pull him into his chest, knowing he didn’t deserve the comfort.

“Jared, Jensen is in another country. He’s a world away… but I doubt things are over. Fighting with someone you care about sucks when you’re fighting in the same room as them. Last time I talked to you about him, you said he was pretty busy and wasn’t able to talk to you all that often. I’m sure he’s just working. And he’s probably upset, and maybe pissed… but if he cares about you half of the amount you care for him? You’re going to be fine.”

Jared nodded into Jeff’s shoulder, wishing he could fully believe him. 

“I just don’t want him to hate me. I just wish he was here.” Jeff nodded, brushing a hand through his hair to push it out of his face. 

“I know Jared… I wish he was here for you too.” They were quiet for a minute, letting Jared reign his sobs back in and calm down. “But, for now, you’re stuck with me. And I am ordering pizza, and I brought beer.”

“How long are you staying?” Jared asked, sitting up and wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his t-shirt, watching his brother stand up to grab the house phone to call for food. 

“I took FLMA at work… so, as long as you need me here.” Jeff smiled at him softly, reaching over to ruffle his hair. Jared shoved his hand away, laughing as he tried to pat his hair back down. Jeff used to do that to him when they were kids, embarrassing him in front of all of his friends. Now, he found a strange comfort and was glad his brother was here. “Pizza?” Jared nodded and let himself relax back into the couch.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

Jensen pulled his helmet on, letting the straps hang loose as he walked around the Humvee to find Tom waiting for him. 

“Sergeant.” He smirked, bumping Tom’s shoulder. “You ready for this?”

“Of course I am, piece of cake. You’re the one that is doing the actual work.” Tom laughed, looking up and counting the men around them. “Everyone here?” Jensen made a quick count and nodded as well. 

“I just have to find Pamir…” He scanned their area for the translator that would be accompanying them. “I’ll take point?” He shot over his shoulder to Tom as he located the Afgani man and moved towards him. He heard Tom’s mumbled reply and laughed to himself. “Pamir! You’ll be riding with me.”

“Okay, Sir.” The man nodded quickly, smiling and following him to the first Humvee in the line of four. Jensen opened up the right side door and climbed up so he could see over the Humvee. “Everyone ready?” He shouted, getting the rest of the squad’s attention. 

He was taking a small convoy out into Charikar to speak to the village elder. Jensen had been hesitant, Charikar being a on the bigger side, closer to a city than a village. It was closer to Kabul than Jensen would have liked, increasing the danger of the mission. He nodded to Tom and two other Sergeants and watched as everyone climbed into their places. He waited until his Gunner, Private Weisberger, and Driver, Specialist Plante, climbed into their positions and nodded for Plante to start their journey. 

Pamir was given a helmet to borrow, and Jensen spent ten minutes convincing him that the protocol was in place for safety and not to provide all of the soldier’s headaches. When Pamir muttered that the helmet weighed a million pounds as he slipped it on and pulled the straps together underneath his chin, Jensen couldn’t help but agree. 

“So, this is going to be pretty simple.” He said after a moment, turning his attention to the other man. “We’ve set up a meeting with the Elder Abeen and have been given an hour. We’re hoping to gain some intelligence on enemy movement within the city. We received a report on terrorist weapon placement and we’re hoping we can intercept and confiscate the weapons safely and to our own advantage.”

Pamir nodded, listening to as Jensen spoke. “Sir… Not to be rude, but you’re very young.” Jensen couldn’t help but smile. 

In the Afghanistan culture, age set up the hierarchy. The village elders were respected because of their age and therefore, experience. Jensen nodded quickly and patted Pamir’s arm gently. 

“I’ve met Abeen before, on my first tour. I was only a Specialist then, but I’m hoping he remembers me. My Sergeant then did a lot of work with him, and although I wasn’t as important, I was usually present at the meetings.” Pamir nodded, thinking. 

“If he does remember you, he treat you with the respect of an established relationship.” Jensen nodded, offering the other man a reassuring smile. Pamir seemed content and leaned back into the seat, resting his eyes. 

“Staying awake on me, Plante?” He asked, turning his attention back to the front of the vehicle.

“I’m finally out of the base, I wouldn’t miss this for anything.” The boy laughed and Jensen knew the feeling. Most of them were anxious to get out and _do_ something other than check bags. He saw the first check point and reached forward for the radio.

“Patriot X-Ray, this is Patriot 6. We are passing CP1, over.” He released the button and waited for the scratchy response.

“Patroit 6, this is Patriot X-Ray. Let me know when you pass the next one. Over.”

“Patriot 6, out.” Jensen said, returning the radio to its spot on the dash. He pulled a small and worn notebook out of the pocket on his jacket and flipped it open to re-read the key reminders he had jotted down. 

_Right Hand NOT LEFT  
Right palm over heart = respect, palm on elder = respect for elder  
Pause for translation  
Shake hands with SAME sex only_

_Do not pass gas or collect go_

He rolled his eyes at the last comment, knowing Tom must have gotten into his notebook. They had most of the Afghan customs and signs of respect drilled into them and were kindly reminded by the men that were employed in the base, but it didn’t hurt to be refreshed. 

He thought of his squad and wished he had thought to bring a few women with him. They made a point of trying to use mixed company in hopes that once a relationship was established with a certain group, there wouldn’t be any issues with communication if a female soldier was tasked. 

From his experience, as long as the rank and the age of the female soldier was considered high enough, they were treated relatively the same as a male. He leaned his head back against his seat, turning to look out the window.

He was glad he had been able to convince the Commander to split up the squad between some of his team and Tom’s team. Although he wouldn’t admit it, he felt a million times safer knowing that Tom had his back. He watched the desert roll by them, calling in the checkpoints as they came, their Humvee otherwise in a comfortable silence with everyone lost in their own thoughts. 

Jensen sighed, pulling out his cellphone as he checked the time back in the States. He had _almost_ called Jared that morning before they left. He was still mad, he couldn’t deny that. He was angry he had been lied to and he needed to know if there was anything else Jared neglected to tell him. He had spent the last four nights torturing himself over what _could_ be happening back at home that he had made himself physically sick and had to bribe Tom not to get him a medic. 

By that morning, he had mostly convinced himself that Jared had meant well and he was resolved to the fact that Jared hadn’t been unfaithful. Jared wasn’t _like_ that. And even though he knew he would still ask the next time he saw Jared? Coming to that conclusion allowed a huge weight to be lifted off of his shoulders. 

He tried to relax as they approached the small city, the colorful banners and signs that lined the buildings and small carts with goods to sell a false contrast to the tone of the city. He tried to ignore the piles of trash and dead animals that littered the sides of the roads, to bite back the churning in his stomach as he watched kids playing with a sun-bleached cow skull instead of a soccer ball. 

They arrived at their destination and he quickly dispatched to the base before getting out of the Humvee and slipping off his helmet. He nodded to Pamir who crossed around the vehicle to stand beside him. 

“Ackles.” Tom walked up beside him, holding his own helmet underneath his arm. “I’m taking four guys to run a perimeter check. Are we early?”

“No,” Jensen shook his head. “It’s not uncommon for the Elder to make us wait for him. It’s a sign of respect. Go ahead, radio if you need me.” Tom nodded and motioned four guys to follow him and they disappeared out of sight. Jensen walked forward, more into the middle of the street and looked up, carefully surveying the buildings around him for himself. 

He knew that there had been a sweep before their meeting – by the Army and probably the Elder’s men as well. But it didn’t stop him from being slightly nervous and willing his heart to stop beating so quickly in his chest. He watched the people milling around, going about their business and felt himself relax when he saw the Elder, surrounded by six other men, approaching. The sooner this was over, the better.

“Good Morning.” Jensen said, returning the smile that the Elder offered him and allowed himself to be pulled into a hug. Good sign, Jensen thought, he was remembered. Pamir translated their greetings quickly, positioning himself so he was between the two men, so neither side felt shorted. 

Jensen gave short greetings to the rest of the men with the Elder before returning his attention back to the task at hand. 

“We received a report that there was some weapons movement in your city.” Jensen said, pausing as Pamir translated. “We know that you want your city and your people to be safe, and we wish the same for you and for us.”

“We may have heard something similar.” The man replied, nodding his head and turning back to look at one of his men. 

“We would appreciate the help in locating the weapons and possibly the people who are responsible for their transportation.”

“We would appreciate your help. But it’s not that simple.” The Elder replied, looking sad as he met Jensen’s eyes. “We have had an increased presence as of late.”

Jensen felt his blood chill at that thought. He wanted to ask why the hell they weren’t given this information before they walked into this city. Although he would have liked to believe they already _knew_ where increased terrorists activity and presence was, he wasn’t stupid enough to believe it. It seemed that lately, every step they took, groups such as Al Qaeda and ISIS were a few steps forward as well. 

Instead, he smiled softly and tried not to look around the square too quickly as he made a mental note of where all of his men were. 

“Well, we may be able to assist in figuring out why there is an increased presence. We care for your safety, and your people’s safety and cooperation.”

Pamir continued translating but stopped short, turning a confused look to him. Jensen heard the whistling before he heard the shout behind him. 

“Grenade!” He spun around, looking up to see a shadow in one of the windows. He turned again, his ears ringing as he was hit with a wall of heat and sand. The noise was loud, and he wasn’t sure if it was the sound or the blast that knocked him backwards. He hit something hard, and then silence. 

“Pa- Patriot X-Ray, this is Patriot 6!” Jensen blinked, looking around him. Why was he on the ground? He looked around, people were laying on the ground, there were large puffs of smoke, no sand, beginning to settle around him. He looked over at the Humvees, one of the Specialists was leaning into the vehicle, screaming into the radio. 

He wanted to tell him he didn’t need to yell. It was a radio, they could hear you just fine if you hit the goddamn button. He wanted to ask him why he was calling the base, that was _his_ job. He blinked again, looking around to see Tom running past the Humvees in his direction.

“We are under contact, grenade fire. We are at--” The Specialists’ voice was cut off by a screaming and Jensen looked around wildly, trying to figure out why someone was screaming. He looked at Tom confused, seeing the fear in his face before he looked down at himself. 

He was laying in blood. He tried to push himself up, to drag himself away from the pool, wondering where the hell all of the blood came from and why the hell he was laying in it. 

“Jensen!” Tom’s voice cut through and he opened his mouth, realizing it was already open, realizing the screaming was coming from him again. He looked down again, blinking as he realized the blood was _his_ , his pants were crimson and he couldn’t move. He gasped, wild eyes trying to find Tom’s again.

“I need a medic!” Someone yelled and Jensen tried to move, tried to fight the darkness that was coming over him. 

The pain hit him suddenly and he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t speak and he couldn’t move. He was trapped in his own mind, as everything went black. _Jared._ He should have called Jared, he should have told him it would be okay, that he loved him. At least one more time. 

_Jared._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all, please don't hate me <3


	9. This Love

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chapterninebanner_zpsbr9wky1m.jpg.html)

**Chapter Nine: This Love**  
 _“Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in_  
 _And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will_  
 _Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again_  
 _And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone_  
 _In silent screams, in wildest dreams_  
 _I never dreamed of this.”_  
‘This Love’ by Taylor Swift, 1989.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

Jared rolled his eyes, setting down his glass and leaning back on his arm which was resting on the bar. He had finally let his brother convince him to get out of the house and Jeff had managed to find the most God awful karaoke bar in existence. His brother was belting out some country song, dramatically hitting on a girl at a table in front of the small stage.

It kind of reminded him of hanging out with Jensen and Tom. And there it was. He waved to the bartender, ordering a second beer and needing it now that his thoughts had returned back to his boyfriend. He sighed as he took the first sip, begging his phone to ring so he and Jensen could finally finish their conversation and so that Jared would stop having to worry.

He finally broke down two days ago, with too much prodding from Jeff, to send him an email. By the time he was done, he felt raw and exposed. But he apologized, and he hoped it would be enough. 

There were now fifteen days until Jensen would be coming home. And it had been fourteen days since he had heard anything from Jensen at all. Although he knew the other man was angry, it was starting to get excessive and Jared had allowed his brother to drag him out in hopes of finally getting Jensen off his mind. 

He knocked back his second beer, shaking his head as Jeff started wildly motioning for him to join him on stage. It would take a lot more alcohol for him to even consider picking up a microphone and singing in public. When Jeff had _suggested_ the karaoke bar, Jared tried to high tail it the other way. Jeff didn’t have to see any of these people ever again, with Jared’s luck? Half of the operating room staff would choose this bar, on this night, to have drink after their shift. 

Jeff hopped off the stage, making his way through the crowds of people to stand beside Jared, his face flushed and eyes sparkling. At least one of them was enjoying themselves. 

“I’m going to take the phone away in a second, J-man.” Jeff chided, reaching for the drink he had left Jared to guard. Jared gave him a strange look before looking down. He hadn’t even realized he had taken his phone out of his pocket… 

“I was just looking at the time.” He lied, and Jeff knew it.

“Come and sing, or dance with someone, or anything.” Jeff pleaded, nudging him in the shoulder. 

“I think you’re making enough of a fool for both of us.” Jeff stuck his tongue out in response. “Mature.” Jared settled back in the chair once more as he brother slipped back out into the crowd. He almost didn’t notice when his phone started vibrating. Almost.

An unknown number flashing across the screen had him tearing out of his seat, rushing towards the door and out of the noise of the bar. He waved a hand, catching his brother eyes before he threw himself onto the street, the phone pressed to his ear.

“Jensen!” He gasped into the phone, not caring that he probably sounded like a lunatic. “God, I am so sorry babe… I know that I shouldn’t have lied to you and I know you have every right to be mad. I was so afraid you weren’t going to call me.” 

“Um.” A soft voice came over the line and Jared straightened up, pulling the phone away from his ear to glance at the number again. 

“Who is this?” He asked, replacing the phone back to his ear, trying to ignore the disappointment sinking in his stomach. 

“Is this Jared Padalecki?” The girl on the other line asked slowly.

“Who is this?” Jared repeated, eyes darting up and down the street, just in case.

“My name is Mackenzie Ackles.” Jared froze, pushing himself to the side of the bar, away from the noise of the street. “I’m Jensen’s sister.”

“I know.” Jared whispered, fear replacing everything else. “No.” He shook his head before remembering he couldn’t be seen. “No, no, no, no…”

“Jared, please.” Mackenzie’s voice broke on the other end and he realized she was crying. Tears sprung to his eyes as he slumped down the wall, not caring that he was sitting on a dirty sidewalk, rain from earlier in the day soaking into the bottom of his jeans. 

“No. Don’t. He can’t.” Jared stammered, shaking as the tears started falling down his face. He had spent the last two weeks with his emotions flooding from one extreme to the next, all aimed at Jensen, all while Jensen was… “Oh my God. I’m going to be sick.”

“He’s alive.” She said before a sob escaped her lips. 

“Oh thank god.” Jared didn’t know if any two words could have sounded as good as that. 

“But… God… Um, I’m so sorry this is how we’re talking for the first time. Um, Jen… he emailed me your number and told me that in-incase anything happened he wanted me to call you immediately.” She sobbed again and the sound sent chills through Jared. “He’s, um, he’s pretty hurt.”

“What happened?” Jared whispered, pulling his knees into his chest, an attempt to get warm, to stop shaking. 

“Gr-grenade.” She sniffed, letting out a breath and Jared knew she was trying to compose herself to finish the conversation. “He was out on a mission, and they were attacked. I don’t know much about that… The Army isn’t one to give many details on that end.”

A grenade? What does that _mean_? How hurt is ‘pretty hurt’? What the hell happened? Questions flew through his mind, and he didn’t know which one to ask first. “When did this happen?” He asked finally, dreading the answer. 

“Two weeks ago.” Mackenzie answered and Jared’s heart stopped. Two weeks, and Jensen hadn’t been able to call him or email him personally. How bad was ‘pretty’ bad? “They… well, I don’t know how it all works. But since he wasn’t on the base, they had to go through specific chains of commands and the Red Cross and contact my mother and—“ She cut herself off and Jared had to check the phone to make sure it hadn’t been disconnected.

“Mackenzie?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry… I just… My brother’s never cared about anyone enough to give me their number in case of emergency, you know?” Her laugh was short and clipped as she sniffed again. “They have him in a medically induced coma.”

“Is he here?” Jared asked, mind racing as he tried to think of how he could get to Jensen. He _needed_ to get to him.

“No, he’s in Germany.” 

“Fuck.” Jared swore, running a shaky hand through his hair. 

“Do you love him?” The question came as a surprise and Jared had to ask her to repeat it. “I just… I need to know. Do you love him?”

“Yes.” Jared said, without hesitation. “Your brother is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. And yes, I love him, with everything I have.” His voice was thick with tears again as he tried to convey all of his feelings over, feeling the need to justify his feelings to Jensen’s sister since he couldn’t to the man. 

“Okay.” Mackenzie blew out a breath. “Then we are doing something that maybe kind of illegal.”

“What?” Jared asked, confused once again. “I don’t…”

“When my mom was talking to the Red Cross they told her that when he was awake he said one thing, and one thing only. He said ‘J’ and they believed that he had been trying to spell something. But… I think you and I know that’s not what he was trying to say, right?” Jared’s heart clenched and Mackenzie took his sharp intake of breath as an answer. “I know my brother, Jared. And I know that if you were the first thing he was thinking of? He needs you, he needs you there even if he’s too stubborn to ask for it or say it out loud.”

“But we’re not… I mean… they’re not going to let me anywhere near him.” Jared looked up as he heard a noise beside him, his brother had appeared and was watching him carefully, a concerned look on his face. “We’re not married. I’m not family.”

“No, but you’re what he _needs_. Mom has already flown over and because he isn’t married, they should accept his siblings going. So I’m going to be leaving tomorrow. Do you have a passport?”

“Yes… but I still don’t understand how that’s going to help _me_ see him.” Jared was still confused, but his heart picked up at the thought of seeing Jensen, no matter what shape he was in.

“You’re going to be my husband.” Mackenzie said simply. “And maybe they technically won’t extend an invitation to in-laws, but if we’re already there… what are they going to do? Tell you to leave? I spoke to mom about it a bit and she doesn’t think they’ll even ask.”

“Um. I don’t know what to say to that.” Jared said, shaking off his brother as Jeff tried to get out of him what was going on.

“I need my brother to be okay, Jared. I… I need him to come home. And from what he has said, and from what he _hasn’t_ , I think you’re the best shot at helping that happen. If something happened to me? The one person that could get me through anything would be my fiancé. And, you say, Mackenzie, I am going to book a flight to Austin and I’ll meet you there. Thank you so much for getting two seats to Germany and I can’t wait to meet you.”

“I… okay.” Jared said, grabbing his brother’s arm and letting himself be hauled off of the ground. “I’m heading home to do that right now.”

“Okay. Good. I’ll see you tomorrow Jared… And I’m sorry this is how we’re meeting. From what my brother has told me though… I would be super excited to meet you under other circumstances.” Jared smiled softly and hung up, turning to face his brother.

“I need to go home.” Jeff nodded and turned around to hail a cab.

_***_

Jared nodded his thanks as security finished clearing him. He slipped his sneakers on and shoved his wallet and keys back into his pocket. He tried not to shove people out of his way as he made his way to the terminal. The sooner he got there, the sooner he could get this ball rolling, and the sooner he could get to Jensen. Although he knew that he wouldn’t be able to make the plane take off any faster than was scheduled, just being on the plane, on the way, would make him feel a million times better. 

He found the terminal quickly enough and surveyed the few people that were already there, talking on cell phones or hunched over in conversations with their family and friends. He didn’t even know what Mackenzie looked like… 

“Jared?” He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see a short woman with blonde hair hanging in waves around her shoulders. 

“Yeah, Mackenzie?” She smiled and nodded, then waved them over to a pair of seats by the windows. “How’d you know it was me?”

“Well, you looked a bit lost… and Jensen told me you were tall.” She smiled as she sat, crossing her legs and turning her body to face Jared. “He didn’t tell me you were like a tree though.”

“Yeah…” Jared laughed, sitting beside her. “So…”

“Yeah.” She replied, reaching over to take his hand in her own and squeezing gently. “This is not how I wanted us to meet.”

“No, me either.” Jared squeezed back, looking up to meet her eyes. “Jensen’s talked a lot about you. I didn’t think he had even told anyone about us dating, honestly.”

“He’s pretty stubborn.” She laughed. “He’s… he isn’t very open about his relationships, but he has his reasons. I don’t exactly give him a choice though. I usually get him to tell me everything.”

“You sound like my sister.” Jared smiled. “She can get me to spill, no matter how much I prepare myself for the onslaught, she always wins.”

“Good woman.” 

“So… Um… How is he?” Jared asked after a moment.

“Well… I talked to my mom last night and from what I got, they were able to remove the shrapnel from his wounds. He had a piece that nicked his stomach, but they fixed that pretty quickly. Most of the damage was to his leg… There was a lot of tissue damage.”

“Is… I mean… He isn’t going to like, loose his leg or anything, is he?” Jared whispered, afraid for Jensen. He didn’t know how Jensen would react if that was the outcome…

“We don’t know.” Mackenzie whispered, pulling her hands back into her lap so she could twist the strap of her purse. “They removed all of the pieces… but he got an infection. He wasn’t very responsive to the antibiotics so they induced a coma. I don’t know what that has to do with anything but… he hasn’t woken up yet.” She pulled out her phone and clicked around the screen. “He has necrotizing fasciitis and I do not suggest looking that up.”

“What the hell is that?” Jared asked, knowing the second he could he _would_ be looking it up.

“It’s the type of infection. It’s pretty scary.” Mackenzie closed her eyes and leaned back into the chair. “It’s called the flesh eating bacteria, and it’s pretty rare… and it’s usually… well… Jensen is in the hospital, and they know what they’re doing.” 

Jared nodded carefully, letting silence fall around them. 

If Jensen lost his leg… Jared closed his eyes, dropping his head into his hands. Jensen would lose it. His entire life was built around the military. Jared had never seen anyone talk about their job and light up the way Jensen did. Hell, he volunteered to go on this deployment for the simple fact that he felt he was helping his country and doing something important. If he lost his leg because of it… 

Just from the conversations they had, Jensen would be lost. Sure, they had plenty of conversations where Jensen cursed the Army, complained about getting up at the ass crack of dawn, and wished that his contract was up and he was free. But Jared knew those were temporary thoughts, fleeing the moment they were spoken. Jared knew that the Army was part of the package that came with Jensen.

_“Do you mind that I’m in the military?” Jensen asked, running his hands through Jared’s hair as they were sprawled out on the couch. “I mean, does it bother you?”_

_“Why would it bother me?” Jared opened his eyes, confused. “I sure as hell couldn’t do it… but it makes me proud that you’re a soldier, that you’ve served for your country.”_

_“I just know that it’s not the easiest thing in the world… And I’m deploying in a month and we haven’t really talked about it that much.” Jensen shrugged, tucking a strand behind Jared’s ear._

_“No, it doesn’t bother me. Does it bother you?”_

_“No, I love it. I love the friend’s that I’ve made and the work that I do… I love knowing what I’m getting into every day. I have people who have my back, no matter what and there’s… I can’t explain that feeling. I would do anything for them, they’re my brothers.” Jared nodded, waiting to see if Jensen was going to continue. “I don’t always like the politics of it… I’ve… I’ve had a relationship fail over it before. And I just… The Army is a part of who I am. I am a military police officer, I don’t know how to be anything else and right now, I don’t _want_ to be anything else. And that needs to be okay with you.”_

_“Babe… Why wouldn’t I be okay with that?” Jared reached over his head to grab Jensen’s hand, twisting their fingers together._

_“Because it’s not easy hiding a relationship. Because it’s not easy being handed orders and having to pack up and move at the drop of a hat. Because this probably isn’t going to be the only deployment I will have, there will be more. Because if we are going to do this, you have to be okay with it. You have to understand that this is who I am, and this is what I do and I can’t change that, not for anyone.”_

_“Jen... I’m not asking you to change.” Jared squeezed his hand. “Am I terrified about this deployment? I would be lying if I said no. Do I hate that I can’t kiss you or hold your hand when we’re out with your friends? Yeah, I do. And I don’t fully understand why it’s such a big deal but I understand that it is to you. And I’m okay with that. I’m here for _you_ , Jensen.”_

_“Okay.” Jensen whispered, leaning down to press his lips to Jared’s. “Thank you. I know it’s difficult… so, thank you.”_

_“You don’t have to thank me. You just have to kiss me again.” Jared smiled, releasing Jensen’s hand to reach up and grab the back of Jensen’s neck and pull him closer again._

_“That I can do.”_

“Jared?” Mackenzie reached over, patting his arm gently to get his attention. “We can board now.” Jared nodded, jumping out of his seat and shoving his hand in his back pocket to pull the ticket he had picked up out of his pocket. They made their way to their seats, Mackenzie taking the window seat so Jared could stretch out into the aisle if he needed to on their ride. 

“I have never wished I could teleport more than right now.” He sighed, catching Mackenzie’s gaze. 

“I know. This flight is going to take forever…” She tucked her purse between her legs, just barely under the seat and reached for the seatbelt – knowing it would be required for take off. “Jared?”

“Yeah?” Jared asked, fastening his own belt.

“When you answered the phone yesterday… what were you apologizing to my brother for?”

“Oh.” Jared felt the shame that had been replaced with fear over the last day returning and he looked away from Jensen’s sister down to his own feet. “We got into a fight… I lied to him about something that was going on at home because I didn’t want him to worry about me. And he was pretty mad… That morning… God, the last time we talked was that morning. And I… I hung up on him after I said…” Jared stopped, his throat and eyes burning. 

“Jared…” Mackenzie reached to take his hand again, squeezing it gently. “He’s going to forgive you.”

“I hope so.” Jared smiled at her, forcing back the tears. 

“I know so. There are just some things that aren’t worth staying mad over… and there are more important things to be worrying about.” Jared nodded, sighing in agreement. “I’m going to try and get some sleep. Wake me up if you need me, okay?” Jared nodded, and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket. Out of habit, he checked his email before putting it onto airplane mode and attempting to get some sleep as well. 

“Sir?” He blinked his eyes open, shaking his head to get his bearings. The plane was dark, small lights illuminating the walkway. He turned his head to see the flight attendant leaning over him, a smile on her face. “Would you like something to eat?” He shifted in his seat, straightening up and trying not to groan as his back and legs protested. 

“Um, yeah.” He nodded and reached over to shake Mackenzie awake.

“We have cheese lasagna and salad or baked chicken with potato and broccoli.” She said, reaching onto her cart to hand over silverware to them. 

“Um… I’ll have the chicken.” He said, Mackenzie agreeing beside him. The flight attendant moved around her cart quickly, preparing two plates while Mackenzie set up the tray tables from the seat backs in front of them. Jared thanked her and put the plates down.

“Who would have thought my first meal with my brother’s boyfriend would be without my brother and a thousand miles up in the air.” Jared snorted and started cutting up the chicken, working it into small bites. He wasn’t even sure if he could eat… Beside him, Mackenzie seemed to be feeling the same way and was cutting up everything on her plate into small pieces as well. 

“We probably should try to eat something…” Jared sighed, pushing the food around. 

“I know.” Mackenzie took a small bite of the chicken and shrugged. “It’s not bad.”

“He’s going to be okay.” Jared said, spearing a piece of broccoli on his fork. “He has to be.” Mackenzie nodded beside him and they fell back into silence, slowly picking at their food. When the flight attendant came back to clear up the dinner plates, Jared was surprised to find he had managed to eat half of the plate. Mackenzie had given up on hers and had turned her body back towards the window and already fallen back asleep.

“Can I get you anything else, Sir?” 

“Do you have any blankets available?” He asked, smiling his thanks when the woman returned with a small blue fleece. He shook it out and pulled Mackenzie away from the window to lean against his shoulder, throwing the blanket over her upper body. She mumbled softly, letting herself be shifted and falling asleep once her head hit Jared’s shoulder. 

He brushed her hair back out of his face and was suddenly hit with a longing to see his own sister. He was sure Jeff had told his family what was going on… when they had gotten back to Jared’s apartment the night before, he could barely function, short of ordering the plane ticket to Austin and packing a bag. Jeff had to reign him back in from sitting at the JFK terminal for the next ten hours until he could board his plane. 

He could faintly remember Jeff talking to Megan, or maybe it was his mom, that morning as Jeff accompanied him to the airport. He hurriedly said goodbye to his brother, barely hugging him before he tore through the terminal to get started on his trip. 

He had to remember to thank Jeff for helping him function that night and not completely falling apart…

He sighed, leaning his head on top of Mackenzie’s and letting his eyes fall closed again. His stomach felt full, almost too full as anxiety worked its way through his body. He clenched his firsts down and tried to concentrate on his breathing. He needed to sleep, he wouldn’t get to Jensen any faster by being over tired or panicking. 

And he would get to Jensen. And Jensen _would_ be okay. It wouldn’t be fair or just for anything truly bad to happen. This was bad enough. And Jensen _deserved_ to be okay. And he would be. He had to be. And with that last thought, Jared fell asleep until the plane landed. 

Jared stretched in the seat, causing Mackenzie to jerk awake, her eyes dancing rapidly around the plane as she realized they landed. Jared nodded to her, understanding fully how she was feeling. The butterflies in his stomach were more like rocks, pounding and twisting deep in his gut. He forced himself to relax, to not shove people out of his way. 

“We have to get to the rental car place.” Mackenzie said as they moved to the baggage claim, waiting to collect their bags. There was a large sign hanging over the exit doors ‘Welcome to Langenlonsheim’.

“Okay… And how long until we get to the hospital?” Jared asked, reaching down to grab his bag and throwing it over his shoulder.

“Um…” She unfolded the paper and scanned it quickly. “It’s about 90km away so I think it should take about an hour or so…”

“Can we drive in Germany?” Jared asked, taking her bag for her so she could continue looking at the printed papers. 

“I don’t know.” She shrugged her shoulders. “We are just meeting someone at the rental place. I was going to get us train tickets but Mom said this was just easier. I’m not sure if he works for the military or the hospital or whatever, but Mom used him to get to the hospital too.” Jared nodded, glad she was taking the lead. 

The airport was a decent size and Mackenzie had to stop more than once to get clarification on directions. Jared was sure that was more because her German wasn’t the greatest but wasn’t going to suggest it.

“I took four years of German in high school.” She muttered as they turned away from the last person they had asked. 

“I don’t know. I took Spanish.” Jared shrugged. 

They finally found the rental place and Mackenzie looked around slowly until she spotted a man holding up a small sign. She grabbed Jared’s arm, tugging him forward. 

“Miss Mackenzie Ackles?” The man asked as they approached, his voice low with a thick German accent. 

“Yes, and this is my husband, Jared.” She smiled, still holding onto Jared’s arm.

“Okay.” The man smiled and gestured to a small car parked behind him. He popped open the trunk and waited for Jared and Mackenzie’s bags to be deposited before he took his spot in the front seat. Shrugging Mackenzie let herself into the backseat, leaving the door open for Jared.

It became clear as they started on the road, that the man was not very good with his English. Mackenzie entertained herself with small talk, utilizing the German she remembered. The man was patient, correcting and laughing as they talked. Jared was grateful for the distraction and to be allowed to fall back into his own thoughts. 

He was going to see Jensen. His heart hammered in his chest. He didn’t know what to expect…. How bad Jensen would look, how sick he truly was… but he would be _seeing_ him. His fingers itched as he thought about running his hand across Jensen’s cheek, twisting their fingers together, pulling Jensen against his chest. 

He closed his eyes and prayed. He was never a religious man, his parents had made all of their kids attend church through their first communion and then they were allowed to choose if they wanted to go. Jared had seen far too many things working in healthcare and preferred to believe in science rather than a higher power. Hell, he wasn’t really sure _what_ it was that he fully believed. But he needed something. 

He prayed for Jensen to be okay. For his injuries to heal and for Jensen to heal. He prayed that Jensen would be awake when they got there and would at least listen to his apology. Even if Jensen was really, truly, still mad at him and uninterested in continuing their relationship? Jared just wanted, no needed him to be okay. 

“We’re here.” Mackenzie whispered, her voice shaking as she reached out to grab Jared’s hands in his. The car rolled up to a giant iron fence, a man in a uniform stepping out of a small building to approach the car. 

“State your business?” He asked and repeated himself in German.

“We are here to visit my brother.” Mackenzie leaned forward to look out the open window. “ID Jared.” She dug through her purse and grabbed her ID and passport to hand over to the guard. Jared dug through his pocket to produce the same and hand them over. 

“Wait here.” The man nodded to them and walked back into the small building. Mackenzie leaned back into seat and sighed. Jared suddenly felt nervous for a different reason. What if they knew he wasn’t supposed to be there? This was the Government they were planning on lying to. What if they asked him what his relationship with Jensen was? What was he supposed to say? He clenched his hands and pushed them between his legs, hoping he only _felt_ like he was shaking and not actually doing so. 

The guard returned after what felt like an hour and reached in to hand them back their IDs. Jared knew his hand was shaking as he reached forward to take his.

The guard was speaking in German to their driver and Jared briefly wondered why he hadn’t had to produce identification before deciding he didn’t care. The car was moving forward again and soon he was going to see Jensen. 

Mackenzie was out of the car, seconds before it stopped completely. Jared opened his own door, smiling his thanks to their driver and collecting their bags from the trunk. He hoped there wouldn’t be an issue carrying large duffel bags through the military hospital… All he needed was to be arrested in Germany.

He found Mackenzie at the front desk and she was talking quickly to a nurse sitting there. The woman nodded and offered to hold their bags at the front desk so they didn’t have to carry them. Jared relaxed, handing them over and focused his attention back on Mackenzie.

“Well?” He asked as they stepped away from the desk.

“4th floor. Room 4450.” She said, reaching for Jared’s hand, seeking comfort. Jared squeezed and pulled her down the hall to the elevator sign. He pushed the up button, stomach plummeting as he waited for it to come. “We’re here.”

“I know.” He whispered back, closing his eyes to inhale deeply. “We’re going to see him.” She squeezed back in response, pulling him gently into the elevator and pressing the button.

“I’m scared.” She said after a moment, her eyes locked on the neon number as it counted up the floors with a soft pinging sound.

“I am too.” Jared admitted, swallowing hard as the 4 pinged their arrival and the doors slid open to reveal a busy hallway. They stepped into it, and Jared was reminded of work. The same sounds, smells and sights of any hospital floor he had ever been on. He didn’t know if that made him feel any better knowing that Jensen was actually here.

“Come on.” Mackenzie said, walking forward to a small nurse’s station set back on the other side of the wall of the elevator. “We are here to see my brother.”

The nurse looked up quickly, shuffling some paperwork that was laying on the table. “Who is your brother?”

“Jensen Ackles. We were told he is in room 4450.” Jared said before Mackenzie could answer. The nurse’s eyes flashed to his, but they weren’t unkind. Instead, they looked sad. 

“Down that hallway.” She pointed. “Right after the double doors on the left. He’s been a popular guy today.” Neither one of them replied as they started down the hallway. 

Jared stopped short right outside of the door, his feet frozen to the ground. He couldn’t do this. He shouldn’t be here. What if Jensen didn’t want him there? His sister wasn’t angry, but what if his parents were? Mackenzie gave him a look, smiling sadly at him as she shook her head, nodding him forward. 

He took a hesitant step to look into the room. A single bed was set up in the center of the room, long green curtains pulled all the way back to lay flush against the wall. There was a steady beeping from a monitor hanging behind the bed, displaying Jensen’s blood pressure, oxygen stats and heart rate. Cords for the monitor snaked down the wall, disappearing underneath a blanket into the respective places on Jensen’s body.

Jared swallowed hard as his eyes continued to take in the view. The floor and walls around the bed were a cheerful blue, a stark contrast to the blinding white of the furniture and blankets that were covering Jensen’s body. Jared looked, surprised to see Tom with a sling across his shoulder, staring at him in confusion and another soldier sitting in a chair with a cane beside him. Mackenzie moved into the room, gripping a woman’s shoulder and Jared knew it was Jensen’s mother. 

He took a step forward, returning his focus on Jensen’s body he traveled his gaze up to Jensen’s face.

“Jensen.” Jared gasped, the rest of the hospital falling away. He stopped caring about the beeping of the monitors and over-com system. He stopped caring that Tom and another soldier were standing in the room, bandages of their own. He stopped caring about Mackenzie at his back and the woman who was sitting in a wooden chair by the side of the bed. He stopped caring about anything else except for the emerald green eyes, half-lidded and tired looking that widened as they met his across the room. 

Jensen’s mouth fell open, in surprise or pain Jared couldn’t tell. And at that moment, he didn’t care. He crossed the room in three large steps, sinking to his knees at the side of the bed and catching Jensen’s reaching hand in his own, pulling it against his chest. 

“Jensen.” He whispered again. He could feel the tears sliding down his cheeks, he could hear the sob in Jensen’s throat. Jensen squeezed his hand and Jared stopped caring about everything and pushed forward to press his lips against Jensen’s, melting into the feeling of soft, warm lips kissing him back. 

It was all going to be okay.


	10. I Know Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** I had necrotizing fasciitis in 2010 so most of my knowledge is coming from my own experience, including the treatment and diagnosis (although mine was in my arm, not my leg. And I wasn’t blown up by a grenade ;) ).

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chaptertenbanner_zpsggk7jupz.jpg.html)

**Chapter Ten: I Know Places**  
 _‘Lights flash on the run for the fences_  
 _let them say what they want, we won’t hear it_  
 _Loose lips, sink ships, all the damn time_  
 _Not this time_  
 _Just grab my hand and don’t ever drop it_  
 _My love, they are the hunters, we are the foxes_  
 _And we run.’_  
‘I Know Places’ by Taylor Swift, 1989.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)  


Jensen groaned, the steady beeping and hushed voices flooding his senses. He blinked a few times, trying to get his bearings, to focus. A gasp came from his side and he struggled to turn his head.

“Mom?” He tried to ask, worried when it came out as a grunt. He could feel his eyes widen and he opened his mouth again.

“Jensen, baby you’re awake.” His mom was suddenly at his side, wrapping her arms around his head and pulling him against her chest. She was already shaking with silent sobs as she ran her hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head. 

“Mom?” He tried again, pulling back gently. She released him and pulled the chair closer to the bed, gripping his hand in hers. “What?” He looked around past her shoulder. There were monitors, beeping steadily, everything was either blue or white, and there was a large white board on one wall displaying his name and numbers and… “Oh god.” He was in the hospital.

“You’re okay.” His mom caught the look on his face and squeezed his hand gently. “You’re okay, Jensen.” He swallowed hard, searching her eyes. If he was okay, why was she crying? “I’m going to get the nurse, okay?” She patted his hand before slipping out of the room, wiping at her eyes before she fully rounded the corner.

“Fuck.” He whispered, letting himself sink back into the pillows. He pulled back the covers, cursing again, his arm felt heavy. He was wearing a hospital gown, wires slipping into the front to stick onto his chest, and a tube coming from between his legs. He reached down for it, then paled when he realized what it was. Another tube seemed to be coming from the side of his left leg, but before he could investigate, he heard someone coming in. 

He dropped the covers quickly when his mother came back into the room, suddenly embarrassed that she was sitting beside him in the hospital while his pee was collected in a bag. He probably had much greater things to worry about than that… but he felt himself flush all the same.

“Jensen?” His mother raised a hand to his forehead. “Are you okay? You’re burning.”

“No… I’m fine. I… just… what happened?” He tried to push her away. She seemed to realize he was embarrassed about something and smiled softly at him, leaning forward to kiss the top of his head. 

“The nurse is getting the Doctor and then we will talk, okay?” She smiled at him, settling herself back into the chair. “Your sister should be here sometime today, as well.”

“You guys didn’t have to come.” He trailed off when he met her eyes, anger flashing over them before she shook her head sadly. 

“Mr. Ackles?” A young woman in pink scrubs smiled as she walked into the room. “I’m your nurse Sarah. I’m just here to check on your vitals and then Dr. Catania will be in to speak with you. Are you in any pain right now?” She asked, pushing a tower towards the side of the bed and carefully slipping a cuff around his arm to take his blood pressure. 

“I… I don’t think so?” He didn’t know who he was asking. He swallowed hard and tried to move his legs in the bed, finding them just as stiff as his arms. “Not too much.”

“Well, we are going to want to keep up with your pain medication for now. I have your antibiotic getting to room temperature right now and I’ll bring that in, in half an hour. You can let me know if you want something then, okay?” She smiled at him and then nodded to his mother before pushing the cart back out of the room. 

Jensen opened his mouth to ask his mother about the antibiotics when an older gentleman walked into the room, carrying a clipboard. 

“Jensen Ackles?” he said, flipping a paper back before coming to stand beside the bed. “I’m Dr. Catania. I have been in charge of your care for the past two weeks you’ve been here.”

“Two weeks?” Jensen heard his voice crack and he whipped his head around to his mother. “Two weeks?!”

“Yes, two weeks.” The Doctor repeated, trying to gain his attention back. “You were hurt on the field, due to a grenade detonation. You were stabilized in the field and med-evaced here. You’re in Germany at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center. We removed multiple pieces of shrapnel from your left leg, as well as your right and your abdomen. Unfortunately, three days after your first surgery, you began showing signs of infection in your left leg. A culture showed us that it was caused by Group A Streptococcus, or Strep A.

“Necrotizing Fasciitis moves very quickly, but we were able to get you back into surgery to remove the infected tissue from your leg. We started you on Penicillin while you were still in the operating room. Although your white blood cell count is still too high for us to be happy, the culture we took yesterday when we did your dressing change was good. It seems that we caught it just in time and we are expecting you to make a full recovery. There was minimal muscle damage, so after you are back home in the States you will have to start physical therapy to work on getting that leg stronger.”

“I…” Jensen shook his head, trying to wrap his head around all of the information he just received. “Can I walk? When can I get back to my men?”

Beside him his mother gasped. 

“Sergeant…” The Doctor said slowly, reaching out to pat his arm gently. “I don’t think you will be returning to the field any time soon. Let’s focus on your recovery, getting you home and stronger, and then we will look at the rest.”

“Fuck.” Jensen whispered, sinking his head back down and shutting his eyes. He hated that he was now aware of his leg, and the fact he couldn’t move it. He hated that the pain was suddenly there, like a punch to the gut. He hated that he was in the hospital, taking it easy when he should have been back with his team. And he hated that he was going to cry. 

“Just get some rest, okay?” He nodded slowly, and felt her pull the covers up to his chin, tucking them in around him. He wasn’t tired, he thought, he didn’t need sleep. And then sleep claimed him.

“How’s he doing?” Jensen heard a hoarse whisper, pulling him out of sleep and back into the room. Oh yeah, hospital. He swallowed, trying to shift himself higher up in the bed. 

“Yes.” His mom said softly, before realizing he was awake now. “Jensen? Do you need help sweetie?”

“Water?” He asked, struggling to open his eyes. She moved away, returning seconds later and pressing a straw to his lips. He took it into his mouth, sucking the cool water down and feeling the chill flow all the way to his toes. 

“Hey Jackles.” He opened his eyes to see Tom staring at him, a worried expression on his face. Beside him was another soldier – Plante? – and they both looked as banged up as he felt. 

“Tom.” He smiled, reaching forward to grab his friends reaching arm and pulling him into a hug. “What the fuck happened?”

“Grenade. Screwed up my shoulder. Plante here saved us by calling it in, even though he was pretty banged up himself.” Jensen nodded, taking in the crutches Plante was leaning on and the sling across Tom’s chest. “We’ve been waiting for you to be awake enough to make sense.”

“I was awake before?” He asked, picking at the blanket.

“Yeah, off and on… pretty out of it though. Did they… did they tell you about your leg?” Tom asked quietly and Jensen saw the expression on his friends face. Tom was probably the only person that would truly understand how he felt. 

“Yeah, they did.” He felt the burning returning, and clenched his fists. 

“You’ll be back.” Tom said, nodding his head. “I know you, man. Don’t even worry about it, okay?” Jensen smiled at him. He was about to ask about Tom’s arm when he heard his name from across the room. He looked up slowly and froze. 

Jared was standing in the doorway, his eyes wide with fear and maybe relief. God, Jared… Jared was _here_. Their last conversation flashed through his mind and he instantly felt guilty at how he treated Jared, how scared he must have been for the past two weeks of not hearing from him. 

He met Jared’s wide, hazel eyes, willing him to come closer. The rest of the room melted away and Jared seemed to understand the look and came striding forward, sinking beside him. _Jared._ He tried to say his name, but it was caught in his throat along with his tears. He settled for reaching and Jared found his hand instantly. 

“Jensen.” He whispered again and started crying, breaking Jensen’s heart. He wanted to tell him he wasn’t mad anymore, that he loved him and he’d missed him and that he was so glad he was here. He squeezed his hand and it was them, only them that mattered. He could have lost Jared, but he was _here_. Jared leaned forward, pressing his lips again Jensen’s. His lips were soft and warm and _perfect_. Jensen kissed him back like his life depended on it, knew if Jared left he would truly die. 

“What the fuck?” The hiss of surprise shocked him back into reality and Jared jumped back away from him, dropping his hand. “Sergeant? You’re… You’re gay?” He looked up to see Plante staring at him, he couldn’t decipher the look… Disgust? Definitely shock. He swallowed hard, trying to come up with a response, fear churning in his gut.

“Do you have a problem with that, _Specialist_?” It was Jensen’s turn to be shocked when Tom turned his body and sneered at the other soldier. “Does that _bother_ you? Because it sure as hell doesn’t affect you in any damn way.”

“I… I just was… No, of course not.” The Specialist looked like he was going to melt into the floor. Tom stared at him for another minute before telling him to get lost. 

“It’s nice to see you Jared.” Tom said as the door to the room was shut, smiling and walking around the bed to give Jared a one-armed hug. 

“I… Tom…” Jensen said, eyes wide as he watched his best friend hug his boyfriend. Jared looked quickly between the two of them, just as surprised, just as scared. 

“Um, we’re going to get some coffee.” Mackenzie whispered and Jensen looked over, surprised to see her. He felt guilty he hadn’t said hello, too wrapped up in seeing Jared to even know she had arrived as well. She smiled at him, understanding, and pulled her mom gently from the room. 

“Dude.” Tom sighed, kicking a second chair over to the bed for Jared and throwing himself into the one Jensen’s mom had occupied. “If I knew you getting hurt would make Jared jump you like that? I would’ve slugged you back in New York. Could have saved us all a lot of stress and gotten us out of the lovely hospital background.”

“What?” Jensen whispered, watching Jared slowly sink into the offered chair, eyes trained on the floor. 

“Seriously.” Tom gave him a hard look. “You think I didn’t know? You’re my best friend, Jensen. I’m not stupid. I’ve been trying for the past three years to throw some of the skankiest bitches your way so that maybe you would _finally_ crack and tell me. I didn’t want to push you, it’s your life and your decision to let me know. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t figure it out.”

“You… You knew?”

“Yes, I knew. I don’t know why didn’t think you could tell me.” Tom tried to hide the hurt in his voice as he shrugged and looked away for a moment. “It doesn’t matter to me, man. I didn’t become friends with you because you liked boobs and I sure as hell am not going to stop being friends with you because you like dick. Got it?”

“I’m sorry.” Jensen mumbled, watching Tom carefully. “I… I just…”

“Don’t. It’s okay.” Tom smiled at him and nudged Jared to get his attention. “I’m going to go and get a coffee as well, snog your boyfriend and start making him feel better and so he can stop fucking scaring us all. I’ll keep the Ackles Family Reunion out as long as I can.” He smiled at them both before leaving and shutting the door behind them, leaving them in silence. 

“Well.” Jensen said after a moment, laughing nervously. “Hey baby.” Jared met his eyes a moment before he burst into tears and launched himself straight into Jensen’s arms.

[](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

“You’re here.” Jensen’s voice was scratchy as he whispered into the crook of Jared’s neck, his hands running over Jared’s back.

“I was so afraid.” Jared whispered back, squeezing him and moving to kiss him once more. “God, Jensen.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” Jensen smiled sheepishly and Jared wanted to melt right into him. Jensen shifted on the bed, wincing as he did so. 

“Are you okay? Should I get a nurse?” Jared moved back to give him space, alarmed. He looked Jensen up and down again, wondering if he should have held back attacking his boyfriend. 

“No, I’m fine. Don’t leave me, Jay.” Jensen reached for his hand, pulling him gently. 

“I’m not leaving you.” Jared whispered back, allowing himself to be tugged over. 

“I wanted you closer to me.” Jensen motioned to the bed, looking up at him with pleading eyes. 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Jared shook his head, his heart breaking at the expression on Jensen’s face.

“I don’t care Jared. Please?” 

“If I hurt you at all, you have to tell me.” Jensen nodded quickly, pulling back the top cover on his right side. Jared let the side rail down and toed his shoes off, eyeing the bed carefully. He had no idea how this was going to work. Jensen seemed to sense his hesitation and ran a hand down his arm. “I want to lay on your chest.” It took a lot of effort, but he refused Jared’s help, to move onto his side, giving Jared the room to lay on the bed. 

“I love you.” Jared whispered as Jensen wrapped his arm around Jared’s stomach, laying his head on his shoulder. Jensen inhaled deeply in response, pressing his lips against Jared’s neck. “You know… they’re not going to believe I’m Mackenzie’s husband anymore.”

“Right…” Jensen said, tensing in Jared’s arms before shaking his head and relaxing. “I don’t care right now. I’m too tired to care.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded, kissing Jensen’s forehead. “So you gave Mackenzie my number?”

“I didn’t think she would ever have to use it… I’m sorry I didn’t ask you. It just didn’t seem like a fun conversation to have, you know?”

“No, I’m glad you did. I’m glad I know.” Jared said quickly. “We were all so scared. When I didn’t hear from you… I thought that maybe… It didn’t even cross my mind that you may be hurt. I thought that you didn’t want, well I mean we had just fought and…”

“You thought I didn’t want to be with you anymore?” Jensen whispered, lifting his head up slightly to meet Jared’s eyes. “Babe… no. I was pissed, but that doesn’t matter. I love you, Jared.”

“I’m so sorry.” Jared’s voice sounded thick and heavy as he closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that were threatening him again. 

“Jay, don’t.” Jensen’s hand left Jared’s stomach to cup his cheek. “I forgive you, and you have to forgive me because I’m in the hospital.” He smirked as he kissed the corner of Jared’s lips. “We can’t keep things from each other, okay? Lesson learned. I want to know everything that’s going on with you. And I shouldn’t have been such a dick.” Jared nodded, kissing Jensen softly as he took a shaky breath. 

“Okay.” He nodded, leaning back again as Jensen settled against his shoulder. “Okay. So… how’s your leg doing?”

“I only talked to the doctor once about it… Did Mackenzie tell you anything?”

“Yeah, she told me about the grenade and that you had necrotizing fasciitis… and you hadn’t fully come around yet, which you obviously have now.” 

“Yeah, this morning is the first day I can really remember. I get flashes of other things… but I don’t know if it’s real or not.” Jensen paused and Jared could feel him shaking slightly. “They think I’ll probably walk again.” He whispered, his voice cracking at the end.

“Of course you will.” Jared said immediately, squeezing Jensen’s shoulders. “You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’re going to bounce back from this.”

“And if I don’t?” Jensen’s voice was suddenly hard. “If I end up being a fucking cripple and not able to walk, or able to work? What then?”

“We will figure it out Jensen. Thinking like that isn’t going to help.” Jared said softly, his heart breaking at the pain in his boyfriend’s voice.

“I wouldn’t put you through that.” Jensen muttered, his hand raising to wipe his eyes.

“Don’t you dare say that.” Jared whispered pulling back and grabbing Jensen’s chin to tip his head up. “Fuck, Jensen. Don’t say that again. No matter what happens? I’m here. I’m with you. And nothing, I mean _nothing_ is going to change that. Do you understand me? I love you, and that’s not going to go away if you can’t walk or if you have to change careers or anything else your mind is coming up with right now. I’m not leaving you.” He felt the speed of Jensen’s chest rising and falling increase, pressed against his arm. Jensen’s eyes searched his, burning into them. 

“One day at a time.” Jensen finally said, pulling his head out of Jared’s grasp and letting it fall back against Jared’s shoulder. 

“One day at a time.” Jared repeated, pulling Jensen closer, holding on like his life depended on it. A knock on the door had Jared tensing but Jensen’s arm, heavy on his chest, held him in place. 

“Hey.” Mackenzie smiled, slipping into the room, Jensen’s mother coming in behind her. “He’s out?” Jared looked down and saw Jensen had already fallen asleep. He nodded, looking back up at Mackenzie before sliding his eyes over. 

“One second.” He said, trying to detangle himself from Jensen so he could greet Jensen’s mother properly.

“Oh no, don’t.” She said, hurrying over and laying her hand on his arm to still him. “He hasn’t looked that peaceful since I’ve been there.” She whispered, touching Jensen’s cheek softly before sitting in one of the chairs. “Mackenzie has told me a lot about you, I’m Donna.”

“Jared.” He smiled back, anxious about being wrapped around Jensen now that there were other people in the room. “He asked me to-”

“Jared, don’t worry, okay?” Mackenzie cut him off, slipping beside her mother. She looked at Jensen’s sleeping form with a sad smile on her face. “If he asked for it? He needed it.” 

“Okay. Where did Tom go?” He asked, looking towards the door, expecting it to open.

“He went back to his room. He thought that we could all use a little bit of time.” Donna said, leaning back into her chair. She looked exhausted… Jared wondered when the last time she actually got a good night’s sleep was. 

“What’s that?” Mackenzie asked, looking over to the other side of the bed where a white box was sitting. Jared lifted his head to get a better look at it, surprised he hadn’t recognized the noise from or seen it. 

“It’s a VAC dressing…” He said slowly, resisting the urge to pull back the covers to check it out completely. “Is it on his leg?” He looked at Donna to see her nod. 

“A vac? What does that mean?”

“It’s kind of like a vacuum in a way… It helps the healing process by sucking out toxins and things but keeping enough moisture in the wound to help it heal properly. It should minimalize the scarring as well.” Jared answered, grateful for his medical background. Mackenzie nodded, accepting the response and pulling her knees up with her into the chair. 

A comfortable silence fell over the room, Jensen’s soft snores comforting the three of them. Jared looked between the two women and his boyfriend’s sleeping face and tried to relax. Jensen’s family seemed completely at ease with the two of them tangled around each other. He brushed his hand across Jensen’s cheek, smiling as Jensen seemed to lean into his touch. 

He felt so small, pulled against his chest. His face was white, his eye lids fluttering back and forth. Jared swallowed hard, closing his eyes to try and relax into Jensen’s embrace. He was here, and Jensen was going to be okay. He had to be okay. 

He hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep until Donna was shaking him awake. 

“Visiting hours are over.” She said, pushing his hair back with a smile. Jared instantly ached for his own mother. “We will come back in the morning.”

“Okay.” Jared yawned, pressing his lips to Jensen’s forehead. “Hey.” He smiled as Jensen stirred, blinking a few times before focusing on Jared’s face. “We have to go for the night… but I’ll be back as soon as visiting hours start, okay?” 

“Do you have to go?” Jensen whispered, reaching up to rub the sleep from his eyes. 

“Yeah, I do. I love you.” Jensen nodded, leaning forward to kiss Jared slowly. “Dream of me.”

“Always.” Jared smiled and slipped off the bed, snapping the side rail back into place. He followed Donna and Mackenzie out of the room, waving to Jensen before he shut the door behind them. 

“I didn’t even think of a hotel room.” He said as they reached the front Lobby and Donna asked where he was staying. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll stay with Mom and you can take my room.” Mackenzie shrugged. Jared stopped at the front desk to pick up their bags and followed the women out into the parking lot. It was a short ride to the hotel and after a quick check in, Jared was standing in the middle of the room, alone. 

Mackenzie had made plans with him to meet up in an hour to get something for them to eat for dinner while Donna was taking a nap. Jared sank slowly down to the end of the bed, letting his hands fall in his hands. He could feel his shoulders start to shake, helpless to stop them.

He let all of his emotions from the day wash over him. The joy of seeing Jensen, alive. The fear at outing their relationship to Tom. The agony of seeing Jensen in pain. He let himself go, sobs racking his shoulders until he couldn’t cry anymore. 

One day at a time. Tomorrow would be another, better day.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)  


Jensen tried to hold back the anxiety that flooded his system as soon as the door was shut behind him. He was sure he had been left alone in the hospital, but he hadn’t been aware of it. He tried to relax back into the pillows and fall back asleep. But the pounding in his chest was drowning him, filling his ears, choking him.

What if this was what his life would be like from now on? Stuck in a bed while the people he loved moved around him and went about their everyday lives? What if he never would walk again, and would have to wait around for someone to bring him everything he needed, to care for him physically and support him financially? He would have to get rid of his apartment… and then where would he go?

He clenched his fists against his side and squeezed his eyes shut as he replayed Jared’s words in his head. _I’m with you. And nothing, I mean nothing is going to change that._ But it would change… Jensen wasn’t stupid… their relationship would be over if he needed a full time caretaker. The intimacy would be over before it ever really started. 

Jared would look at him with pity and sadness until it morphed into disgust and resentment at the way his life turned out. He wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ do that to Jared. Just imagining the expression on Jared’s face turned his stomach. He would never let it get that far. 

He hit the buzzer on his call bell and waited for the nurse to come into the room.

“Mr. Ackles? Are you doing okay?” A new nurse knocked on the door before she opened it and slipped inside. 

“Yes… I was just wondering if I could visit Sergeant Welling?”

The nurse bit her lower lip in thought before she answered. “We haven’t gotten you out of bed yet or had therapy evaluate you…” She said slowly, before meeting his eyes. “Would you like me to see if Mr. Welling would like to come and visit you?”

“Yeah, that would be okay.” Jensen nodded, trying not to be frustrated. Not even the nurse believed he was capable of moving around. She nodded to him and slipped back out of the room, leaving him to his thoughts. 

Another knock on the door made Jensen’s attention snap back and he looked up to see Tom pushing the door open.

“Hey, Man.” He said in greeting and pulled a chair over to the bedside to sit down. “I’m glad you got to see Jared and your sister.”

“Yeah… I…” Jensen stopped and shook his head. “I still can’t wrap my head around being open about it. You aren’t… You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?”

“Dude, that’s your business. And I really don’t think any of the guys care who you’re dating or sleeping with or whatever, as long as you’re happy.” Jensen snorted and looked away. 

“I probably won’t have to worry about it anyways.” He muttered, picking at a loose thread on his blanket.

“Okay, I’ll bite. What’s that supposed to mean?” Tom kicked his feet up to rest on the bed, a piece of fuzz sticking to his non-slip hospital socks. 

“I’m not going back.” Jensen sighed, feeling defeated. “They won’t even let me get out of the bed. Sure, maybe I’ll walk again, miracles can happen… but I’m never going to go back. They’re never going to let me.”

“Dude,” Tom shook his head, moving to kick him before catching himself. “If you’re going to have a pissy attitude like that? Then you’re completely right.”

“Thanks.” Jensen glared at Tom, focusing on the anger instead of the shame that was threatening to overwhelm him.

“Well seriously, Jensen.” Tom shot back at him. Jensen watched him carefully, knowing his friend was holding back on the amount of anger he was feeling. Tom sighed after a moment, running a hand through his hair. 

“What are you thinking?” He asked after a minute of watching Tom open his mouth to begin speaking before changing his mind and shutting down again.

“I’m thinking that this sucks. I’m thinking that my arm hurts like a bitch and I’ve never been more afraid in my entire life when I saw you laying on the ground in a pool of your own blood. I’m thinking that you’ve already given up and you haven’t even tried yet and that pisses me off.” Tom looked at him then, his eyes swimming as he stared Jensen down. “You have a family and a man who flew across the world for you, who will support you and be there for you every goddamn step of this. Do you even know how lucky you are?” His last statement was a whisper and Jensen tore his eyes away, feeling guilty.

“Tom… I didn’t say I was giving up…”

“No, but you don’t have to say it. Best friend status, remember? You’re all I have, Jensen. When I called my parents? My father said ‘I told you so’ and my mother told me to get well soon and had to leave for a meeting. I need you to get your ass into gear, and I’ll be at your side to help you, as will Jared and your family.”

“I’m sorry, Tom.” 

“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to be ready. For the bullshit and the pain and the process of healing and getting your ass back into the game. That’s what I need from you, man. Not apologizes or resignations. I need my best friend who was never afraid to kick ass or take names.” Tom dropped his legs and shifted forward in his chair. “Now hug me so we can have this bro moment over.” 

Jensen smiled, gripping the offered hand and pulled himself up to give Tom a hug. Tom nodded, shoving him away lightly with a smile on his face. 

“Now, do you think I could convince Jared to pick me up some titty mags?”

***

“I’m scared.” Jensen whispered, the moment the door shut and left Jared and him alone. Jared smiled softly at him, pulling their intertwined hands up to press a kiss to the back of Jensen’s hands. It sent a shiver through him and he closed his eyes.

“I know, babe.” He whispered back. Jensen raised their hands, pressing Jared’s against his face and leaning into the touch. “There’s no reason to be scared.”

“Are you sure about this though?” He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see the expression on Jared’s face. “If you don’t want to… I can ask my mom to stay…”

“Jensen. You know that I would pretty much be at your place anyways. No, I don’t mind staying with you and helping you out. I would be pretty offended if you didn’t ask me.” 

“Okay.” Jensen whispered, focusing on the warmth radiating from Jared’s fingers. He focused on his breathing, trying to calm his anxiety. It had been three weeks in the hospital since he had been fully aware of himself, and today they had told him he was being flown back to New York. 

A knock on the door forced him to open his eyes and James, the therapist that had been working with him slipped in, a shiny pair of crutches under his arm. He leaned them against the wall and moved to the bedside to shake his hand. 

“Well, Jensen, I wish you luck.” He smiled and Jensen found himself smiling back. Although the work they had done was usually painful and had Jensen on the border of saying ‘fuck it’, James had always been conscious of his feelings and temperament and made a point of listening to his wishes. When Jensen adamantly refused to be sent home and using a walker for assistance, James hadn’t even blinked before saying, “Well, we better work a little harder and get you up on crutches.”

“Thank you, James.” Jensen squeezed his hand before letting it go. “I really appreciate it. I hope the PT guy back home is half as good as you.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll do fine.” He said. “Plus, I gave your man here instructions on keeping you on your toes.” He winked at Jared before waving to the crutches against the wall. “Brand new and all yours. Use them, Jensen. Until you’re cleared to move _without_ assistance. Okay?”

“Yes.” Jensen muttered, knowing full well what his weight bearing status was. He had tried to push it a few time, the excruciating pain radiating from his knee and the still-healing wound on his leg were enough to back him off and listen to the status. 

“Take care, Jensen. Jared.” James nodded his head to them both before leaving the room. 

“Did your mom pack up most of your things?” Jared broke the silence again, gaining Jensen’s attention back.

“Yeah, and she’s going over my medications and things with the nurse. I just told her to tell them I was discharging home and she was staying with me. I didn’t really want to get into it with them and have it on my record that my boyfriend would be.” Jensen shrugged, flicking his eyes up to meet Jared’s. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Jared leaned forward and kissed him softly. “Babe, I told you before. I just want to be with you. I understand why you’re hesitant to tell The Army. I hope that seeing Tom and the other few guys who you’ve talked to and know helps you feel more comfortable. But our relationship? Doesn’t need to be a part of your job.” Jensen nodded, grateful.

Maybe he was being selfish, refusing to admit fully what his relationship was with Jared. Obviously, Jared loved and cared an awful lot about him. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have dropped everything and come to Germany for almost a month. He was patient, more patient than he probably should be. Jensen didn’t deserve him.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too, Jen.” Jared smiled standing up to kiss his forehead. “I have to meet Mackenzie back at the hotel to pack up our things. Our flight is going to leave a little earlier than yours. We will meet you at the airport, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Jensen nodded, feeling the anxiety creeping back in. “I wish they would’ve just let me fly home with my family…”

“Yeah, well. You know the Army.” Jared winked at him, picking up a bag that carried the last of the personal items Jensen had collected. 

“You’re getting too good at that.” Jensen smirked, glad that even if he wasn’t always comfortable mixing his career and his life, Jared was. 

“See you soon.” Jared smiled and left the room. Jensen sighed, sinking back into the pillows to wait.

He was going home. He felt nervous and happy about it. It would be good sleeping in his own bed, having Jared wrapped around him. But, he still couldn’t bite back the fear that Jared taking care of him would change their relationship. Jared had shot down having visiting nurses coming in for the simple dressing changes he needed now that the VAC had been removed. 

“You know that I went through nursing school, right?” He said, smirking at Jensen. “I can take care of all that. You don’t have to worry.” But Jensen did worry… He sighed, trying to push it back and focus on being happy, and excited he was going home.  
 


	11. Bad Blood

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chapterelevenbanner_zpsupol9kuf.jpg.html)

**Chapter Eleven: Bad Blood**  
 _Hey! Now we got problems_  
 _And I don’t think we can solve them_  
 _You made a really deep cut, And baby now we got bad blood_  
 _Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted_  
 _Did you have to ruin, what was shining now it’s all rusted_  
 _Did you have to hit me, where I’m weak baby I couldn’t breathe_  
 _I rubbed it in so deep_  
 _Salt in the wound like you’re laughing right at me._  
‘Bad Blood’ by Taylor Swift, 1989

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

Jared could feel himself shaking as the plane touched down, the quiet hum of people gathering their misplaced belongings from the long flight reaching his ears. He exhaled slowly, letting his eyes fall closed as he leaned back into the seat. He could feel the energy of the people around him pressing against him, the feeling was almost suffocating. He smiled; he was home.

He slipped his phone out of his pocket and turned it on, peering out the window at the people scrambling around the tarmac, getting everything set up for them all to exit the plane. His phone started to vibrate against his thigh and he ignored it for the moment, knowing there would be more messages and alerts going through. 

Beside him, the gentleman that had been snoring happily almost the entire flight – save for meal times – jerked himself awake, sputtering as he spun around and blinked a few times at Jared. 

“We here?” He asked, his voice thick with sleep.

“New York, New York!” Jared smiled back at him, nodding his head. “Just landed.”

“Oh good.” The man shifted himself around, unhooking the seatbelt so he could lean forward to pick up his small carry-on. “I can’t wait to see my girls.” He smiled as he leaned back and looked over at Jared. “Going home to family?”

“Yeah.” Jared smiled back, warmth flooding his chest.

“She’s one lucky girl.” The man said studying his face. 

“Oh. No…” Jared shook his head quickly. “ _He’s_ a lucky guy.” 

“Oh? Oh!” Jared watched as realization hit the man and felt himself tense for a second. “Yes, a very lucky guy.” He smiled at Jared. “Any kids?” And just like that, they fell into a comfortable conversation to pass the rest of the time they were stuck on the plane.

“Have a good rest of your day.” Jared said as he pushed himself into the aisle and followed the man out of the plane. They shook hands and the man offered him the same parting. Jared pulled his phone up, clicking through his messages. 

_Mom just left to pick him up_ Mackenzie’s text was the first one he saw and he smiled, nerves flittering through his stomach. 

_I can’t wait to be home with you. Alone._ It was Jensen’s text that made him walk faster through the terminal, slinging his bag high up on his shoulder. If he could have run, without getting stopped for looking suspicious? He would have booked it.

“Jared!” He looked up as his name was called, seeing Mackenzie waving at him from a large, black SUV. “Rental.” She shrugged as they both slipped into the car. “Did you get any sleep on the plane?”

“Not really.” Jared shrugged, reaching over to hug her quickly before she could put the car into gear. Mackenzie and Donna had flown back two days earlier to make sure they could get Jensen’s apartment ready and stocked for them to come back home. 

“So…” Mackenzie trailed off, reaching over to turn the music down as she glanced over at Jared. “There was some strange things on the inside of Jensen’s door.”

“What do you mean?” Jared asked, racking his brain for anything he might have left out of place the last time he had been in his boyfriend’s apartment. 

“They’re in the folder in the back.” She said softly, her tone making Jared’s stomach plunge. Jared found the folder and sat back in his seat, opening the top and tipping into his lap. 

Pictures covered his lap and he pushed through them, hands shaking. Pictures of Jared and Jensen walking together through the city, pictures of Jared getting ready for work in his apartment, pictures of Jared in the grocery store, at work, in the subway… 

“Pull over.” He said suddenly, pushing the pictures off of his lap, onto the floor. Mackenzie nodded, pulling the car over to the side of the road they were on and parking it as Jared launched himself out of the door and landed hard on his knees, bending over to vomit in the grass. 

“Jared?” Mackenzie said softly, placing her hand on his back and rubbing it in small circles. He hadn’t even heard her get out of the car. “What is this?”

“It’s okay.” He said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and sitting back on his knees. “I need to make a phone call.” She nodded, reaching for his arm to steady him as they stood back up. He was barely in the seat again before he had his phone pressed against his ear. “Angela. I need you to call me back, immediately. It’s… it’s about Chad. I don’t think it’s physically him? And I know you’ll be pissed that I didn’t tell you when it started, but he’s been trying to harass me. I’ve been getting things left in my apartment, flowers and notes… and they started at Jensen’s house too. Just… Call me back.”

“Who’s Chad?” Mackenzie broke the silence, swinging the car back onto the road. Jared sighed, pressing his head into his hands, thinking before he answered.

“Ex-boyfriend.” He said finally, looking over at her. “Crazy, ex-boyfriend.” She snorted and Jared was reminded of Jensen, dread settling in his stomach. “Did they… I mean, were they in Jensen’s apartment?”

“No, they were slid under the door.” Mackenzie shook her head. “Why? Is that something we should worry about?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Jared shook his head quickly, trying to quell her rising alarm, and his own. “Before this happened… He was starting shit with me at my place, and so I started staying in Jensen’s apartment. Must have figured that out…” He trailed off, biting her lower lip and looking out the window. “It was one of the things we were arguing about before Jensen got… got hurt.”

“Jared… You need to tell me right now if it’s safe for my brother to go home.” Jared bit his lower lip, sucking it into his mouth. 

“I don’t think he would do anything.” He said after a moment. “But I’m going to tell Jensen, and let him decide what he wants to do.” 

Mackenzie nodded slowly, focusing her attention back on the road. 

“I’ll do whatever he wants to do, but I won’t leave him.”

“Jared.” He met Mackenzie’s eyes and she gave him an exasperated look. “You’re more than welcome at my house, or my parent’s house if he thinks that’s better for you _both_. It’s kind of obvious you’re a package deal.” 

Jared smiled, looking down at his leg where Mackenzie reached over and offered him a comforting squeeze. They drove the rest of the way in silence.

***

“Jen… I don’t care what you want to do.” Jared said, sitting beside Jensen who was propped up in the bed. They had discontinued his vac dressing before he left Germany and Jared had been thoroughly shown how to do the dressing changes that would be required twice a day. Over the dressing, Jensen’s leg was wrapped in ace wraps and secured in a knee immobilizer until the wound was healed enough.

Because the wound was so close to his knee cap, they were worried if something happened to make his knee give out, the muscles that were supposed to keep the knee in place and moving the right way, wouldn’t hold up to the pressure. 

“Jared.” Jensen sighed, reaching down to adjust the pillows underneath his outstretched leg. “Babe, did you call Angela?”

“Yeah, she hasn’t called back yet.”

“And they physically broke into your apartment, but not here, right?” Jared nodded, reaching for Jensen’s outstretched hand. “Then call me stupid, but we’re not going to be leaving this apartment. I can’t do shit right now… and I doubt anyone is going to try to break in while we’re in here. Plus, I know how to use a gun. I can teach you, safety off, aim and shoot!” He shrugged, attempting to joke.

“That isn’t even funny, Jensen.” Jared whispered, squeezing his fingers tightly. “I don’t find that even remotely funny.”

“Jared…” Jensen said softly, brushing his thumb across the back of Jared’s hand slowly, rubbing small circles as he went. “I haven’t seen you in months. And there are things that I want to do to you, that I would feel bad about doing in my parent’s house.” He looked up and Jared met deep green, lust filled eyes.

“I hate you.” He whispered, trying to bite back the smile and ignore the arousal pooling in his belly.

“No you don’t.” Jensen smirked, pulling on his hand gently. Jared shifted forward, careful not to jostle Jensen’s leg as he leaned up to allow Jensen to press their lips together. “Don’t worry. We will lock the door, we will wait for Angela’s instructions. We will recite the number for 9-1-1…”

“If you’re going to be a jerk, I’m going to leave you here all alone.” Jared warned, pressing a firm kiss to his lips before pulling back. “I’ll let your mom and Mackenzie know.”

“I’ll tell them.” Jensen said. Jared moved to make him stop, not wanting him to get out of the bed. Although he had been flown back in a stretcher, the time spent in the car and on crutches to get up to the apartment couldn’t have been comfortable. “Mom! Mack!” Jensen hollered, laughing at Jared’s expression.

“Jensen Ross!” Donna opened up the door, walking into the room and trying to look annoyed. “Just because you’re healing and tired doesn’t mean you can revert back to a six year old. It didn’t work then and it won’t work now!”

“Well… it kind of did work.” Mackenzie muttered, shrugging her shoulders as her mom spun around to her. 

“I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m beat, and we’re planning on getting some sleep. Jared didn’t sleep much on the plane either… I’ll call you tomorrow?” Jared looked over at Jensen, eyes wide as he realized he was openly kicking his family out.

“We can take a hint.” Mackenzie rolled her eyes. “Just be careful of your damn leg.”

“What?” Donna looked between her kids before realization dawned. “Jensen…”

“Mom, please.” Jensen closed his eyes, leaning back. “I’m sleeping. I love you. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Donna sighed but allowed Mackenzie to pull her out of the room.

“I will be here in the morning with breakfast!” She yelled from the front door. “Jared, honey, text me what you like for coffee!”

“Mom, stalling isn’t going to stop your son from getting laid. He has _needs_.” Mackenzie’s sharp yelp, probably from Donna smacking her arm, was the last thing they heard before the door snapped shut behind them. The resounding click of the door being locked from the other side had Jared’s shoulders relaxing. 

“Seriously?” He sighed, turning back to Jensen. “You kicked your family out?”

“Jared? Shut up and kiss me.”

“Yes, Sergeant.” Jared laughed, kicking off his shoes and climbing up onto the bed fully. He was careful as he lay beside Jensen, not wanting to hit his leg. Jensen watched him patiently as he got himself situated before reaching up and cupping Jared’s cheek. 

“God, I missed you.” He whispered, pulling them together. Jensen sighed against Jared’s lips and Jared deepened their kiss. Yeah, he missed this too.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

Jared melted against his lips, and Jensen had never felt more at home. They were pressed against each other, chest to chest, lips to lips. There was a dull ache running through his leg, but Jensen was determined to ignore it. They needed this, _he_ needed this.

“Jared.” He whispered against Jared’s mouth, moaning as Jared’s lips fell open, letting him in. He licked into Jared’s mouth slowly, running his tongue against the roof of Jared’s mouth, his hands trailing down Jared’s back. “Mmm… I’ve missed this.”

Jared groaned back in response, breaking their kiss to pull his shirt over his head. He found Jensen’s hands and moved them up above Jensen’s head. 

“Let me take care of you.” Jared whispered, sending shivers down Jensen’s entire body. He nodded slowly, gripping the bottom of the headboard to remind him to stay still. Jared kissed him softly once more before moving to place small bites and kisses down his neck. “I love you.” Jared whispered into the hollow of his throat, causing him to moan loudly.

“I love you, too.” He whispered back, arching off the bed as Jared pulled on his shirt. He felt himself hard and straining against the fabric of his sweats and cursed as he looked down at the brace, realizing he would have to take it off to take his pants off. Jared’s eyes trailed over to where he was looking and he smiled softly. “Don’t worry baby.” He leaned to kiss him again. “As much as you want it? I’m not making love with you until I don’t have to worry about that leg.”

Jensen made a noise of protest that was instantly swallowed by another kiss, silencing him. Jared’s hands worked their way down his chest before he was palming the bulge in his pants. Jared’s fingers traced the outline of his length, pressing softly, teasing. Jensen itched to move his hands, to tangle them in Jared’s hair, to trace the outline of the muscles in his back, but he kept his hands in place, gazing down as Jared kissed his way down his chest. 

“You’re so amazing, Jensen.” A kiss above his heart. “You have no idea what you do to me.” A kiss below his nipple. “How beautiful you are.” A kiss to his stomach. “Do you?” Jared’s fingers danced along the elastic waistband of his pants and his eyes shot up. They were almost blue today, and Jensen was lost in them. 

“Jared.” He whispered, watching as Jared flicked his tongue under the fabric, pulling slowly with his hands. He lifted his hips slowly, letting Jared pull them down until he sprung free, his cock hard and wanting as it pressed against his stomach. 

“I love you.” Jared whispered, fingertips pressing into the hardened flesh as his pink tongue flicked out to lick up his entire length. Jensen’s breath hitched as he felt himself disappear into the warm, wet heat of Jared’s mouth. 

“God, Jay. I love you too, so much.” He whispered, fighting the urge to throw his head back, needing to look. Jared’s lips were stretched as he worked his way down Jensen’s cock, pumping the flesh each time he moved back. He flicked his tongue around the sensitive head, purring each time a noise was wrenched from Jensen’s throat. His fingers were digging painfully into the wood of the bed and he fought not to buck his hips up and bury himself deep into Jared’s throat. “Fuck.”

Jared laughed around his dick, sending tingles throughout his entire body. He felt the familiar pressure in the base of his spine and he gasped, finally letting his head fall back and his eyes close. 

“Jared, I’m close.” He whispered, feeling Jared’s grip tighten, his mouth sucking harder against the swollen tip. Jared moaned around him and Jensen looked down again to see Jared’s free hand working himself in time with what he was doing to Jensen. He moaned loudly, losing himself at watching Jared touch himself. 

He came with a shout, Jared shifting to catch everything he had to offer. He licked around Jensen’s spent cock, cleaning up his skin before slipping off the bed and disappearing into the bathroom. Jensen pulled the covers back, arms shaking from his orgasm as he waited for Jared to come back. 

“Should have let me return the favor.” He said as Jared crawled in beside him, clothes left in the bathroom. 

“Mmmm.” Jared replied, kissing him softly. “Shut up and go to sleep. Do you need any pain meds before?”

“No… I took some right when we got here.” He said, opening his arms for Jared to press against him. Jared sighed happily, tucking his head into Jensen’s shoulder and shutting his eyes. “Hey… Jay?” He whispered after a moment.

“Yeah? Did you change your mind?”

“No… I just… have to tell you something.” Jared’s head rose and he nodded, watching Jensen’s face carefully. “I just… The last couple nights in the hospital…. The nurses said…” He sighed, closing his eyes. “I’m scared, Jay. They said I’ve been having nightmares, and I don’t remember them. But one of the nurses tried to wake me up, not knowing I was dreaming or whatever… and I hit her. And I’m scared I’m going to hurt you.”

“Jen…” Jared smiled softly, kissing him again. “You think they didn’t talk to me about that before we left?” He raised an eyebrow and Jensen looked away.

“So they told you I’m losing it?”

“No, they told me that you went through something pretty traumatic. And that it shouldn’t surprise me if you show signs of PTSD. Which I already was expecting… Healthcare worker, remember?” Jensen swallowed hard, rolling the idea around his head.

“I don’t think I have that.” He said softly, shaking his head. “Wouldn’t I know?” Jared smiled at him softly.

“I won’t try to wake you up. And if anything _does_ happen…. We will figure it out, okay?”

“Maybe I should sleep on the couch.” Jensen whispered. Jared hadn’t seen the nurse’s arm… He felt awful enough and it was someone he didn’t know and would never see again. If he hurt Jared… if he became like _Chad_ …

“I can hear your thoughts from here.” Jared’s fingers against his cheek pulled his attention back. “Go to sleep.” Jensen nodded, watching Jared settle back down against his chest, eyes closed. 

“Jared?” He asked against, wincing as he realized Jared had started to drift off. “Can you… can you do me a favor?”

“What babe?” Jared asked, pushing himself into a sitting position. 

“In the closet… is my gun case. Can you just open it and put my gun in the nightstand? Please?” 

“Jen… why?” Jared shook his head, staring at him. “Why do you need your gun?” 

“I just… I do. Okay? I need to know where it is. And I need it close to me, okay?” Jensen could feel himself shaking, powerless to stop it. 

“Okay… Yeah, okay.” Jared sighed, getting off the bed and moving to the closet. He fumbled around for a few minutes before he found it and pulled it out. Jensen smiled softly at him and watched as he followed the instructions to open the case, to load the gun (he received a look for that one), and how to use it. “I don’t need to know how to use a gun, Jensen.” 

“I just need it by me, okay? I haven’t not slept with a gun in months. And I’m not asking to sleep with it, I’m asking to sleep with you. But I just…. I need to know it’s in reaching distance, okay?” Jensen could feel himself freaking out and he hoped it was that that got Jared to sigh and put the gun in the drawer of his nightstand and not the fact that he was practically begging. 

“You’re going to be okay.” Jared said after a moment when he had settled back down. Jensen nodded, a knot in his throat. He swallowed hard, knowing he was tired, knowing he needed to sleep, knowing he was being ridiculous. He could feel his leg throbbing again and he tried to focus on that instead of the itching in his palm, begging to be wrapped around the cool metal of his pistol. He didn’t need to sleep… not really… 

“Jensen?” Jensen gasped, eyes flying open in alarm. 

“Fuck!” He swore, pain ripping through his leg as his entire body jerked. “What?”

“Babe, its okay.” Jared was sitting at the end of the bed, his arm resting on Jensen’s good leg. “You’ve been sleeping for like… fourteen hours. I figured you could probably use some pain meds?” He held out a glass of water and waited for Jensen to accept it before dropping a few pills in his hand. “Antibiotics are in there as well. I have to do your dressing change, but we should wait for those to kick in.” 

“I… I slept?” Jensen asked, blinking around the room. “Did I?”

“No, you didn’t do anything except wake the dead with your snoring and steal all of the blankets.” Jared stood up, laughing. “I’m going to take a shower, okay? I think your mom will be here in a few hours, and the visiting nurses are supposed to come today as well to start your therapy.” Jensen nodded, finishing off the water. “If you’re up for it, I can help you shower before I do the dressing, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Jensen settled back into the pillows, absently rubbing his leg through the brace. He hadn’t expected to actually fall asleep… never mind for half of a day. He blinked at the alarm clock on his nightstand, trying to get it to focus as he heard the shower kick on. It was 6:00am… Jared was always an early riser. 

He snorted to himself and let his mind wander to his boyfriend, naked and in his shower. He sighed, wishing now more than ever his leg was healed enough so he could show Jared just how much he meant to him. 

A loud knocking on the door pulled him out of his dirty thoughts. Jensen swore, knowing Jared was probably halfway through washing his hair and completely unable to answer the door. 

“Jen?” He called from the shower.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it!” Jensen called back, lifting his leg off of the pillows and sliding to the side of the bed the same way he was taught in therapy. “Might be the visiting nurses or something. Don’t worry! I got it!” He added, knowing Jared would be struggling to get out faster and to help him. 

He reached for the crutches that were leaned up against his nightstand and leaned forward. _Nose over toes…_ Pain shot through his leg and he almost stumbled, pressing more weight onto the crutches to help him steady himself. He exhaled a breath he didn’t remember holding and slowly made his way to the front door. 

Someone knocked again and Jensen felt himself blush. He probably should’ve called out he was coming…

He leaned against the wall beside the door, holding a crutch against his side so he could reach for the door.

“Sorry,” He said as the door flew open to reveal a police officer watching him carefully. “Haven’t mastered getting around on these things.” The officer nodded, a small smile on his face. “Are you here because of the pictures? Angela hadn’t called Jared back but she seems more like the action type.”

“I’m sorry?” The officer shook his head, confused. “No… Pictures?”

“Never mind.” Jensen mumbled, shaking his head. “So… can I help you officer?”

“We heard mention of a disturbance up on this floor. I’m doing a routine check to make sure everyone is okay. Are you here alone?”

“No, my boyfriend is in the shower.” Jensen said, peering out into the hallway. “I didn’t hear anything…”

“Well, protocol requires we check the premises. I need to see your… boyfriend before I can clear this apartment. May I come in?”

“Uh, sure.” He nodded, grabbing the crutch again and taking a few hops back. “He should only be a few more minutes. Can I get you anything Officer…?”

“Officer Murray.” The officer replied and Jensen hesitated at the name. 

“Have I met you befo—“ Jensen started to turn, gasping as the crutches were knocked out of his arms and crashed down to the floor. The Officer had his gun drawn, pressed into Jensen’s temple and his arm snaked around his front, holding him up.

“You’re not going to make a sound, correct?” His voice was hot against his ear, warmth spreading down his neck. Jensen gulped, his breath coming in gasps as the grip moved from his chest up to his neck. “Move.”

“I… I can’t….” Jensen stammered, trying to get control of himself. He could feel the anxiety creeping up on him, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. He was trained for this shit… So why was he falling apart? The breath against his neck was suffocating, hot and wet and surrounding him completely. He closed his eyes. He flexed his hand against his side, coming up with nothing. Where was his gun? A soldier _never_ leaves his gun!

_Hot, wet, sticky blood._

_He felt pain rip through him and he blinked his eyes open, trying to get his surroundings._

_“Sergeant Ackles? You’re going to be okay.” A voice he didn’t recognize was over him, and he felt himself moving. Why were his legs moving? He was laying down…_

_“Jensen?” Another voice came from behind him, but he couldn’t turn. Something was against his neck, holding him in place. He felt bile rising up in his stomach. Why couldn’t he move his head? Why was he being held? Where were his men?_

_He opened his mouth, tried to speak. His voice was like sand, the desert sand that was surrounding him. He could feel the sand everywhere… it was in his ears, his eyes, his nose…. He was drowning in it. He gasped for air, coughing up sand and blood. So much blood…._

_He had to save them, he had to save his men. The bright lights that had been above him disappeared and he was blinking up into the sun. It was pounding down on him, his uniform was drenched with sweat, sticking to his body. He needed to get it off, to see his own skin. He fumbled with the zipper, hands shaking as he pulled it down, ripping the shirt off._

_“Jensen?” Tom. That was Tom. He spun around to see his friend being hauled away, his arms pinned behind his back and legs flailing as he disappeared around the building. No one had seen him yet. He pushed himself up onto his hands and knees, pain ripping through his leg. He bit down on his tongue, tasting blood. So much blood._

_He dragged himself to the radio, fumbling with the switch as he whispered into it. He would get help. He would save Tom. They would go home._

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)  


Jared watched as Jensen slept, his eyes flickering slowly behind his eyelids. He had woken up at four in the morning, unable to get back to sleep, but content to lay there in Jensen’s arms. He slipped out of Jensen’s arms careful not to wake him and slipped out into the kitchen.

He pulled open the door and smiled when he saw that Donna had really meant it when she said she had gotten them provisions. He hadn’t seen a fridge this full since he had been living with his parents… He reached in for orange juice, pouring himself a glass. 

He flicked on the television, making sure to keep the volume low. Jensen needed to sleep… The Doctor had warned him about Jensen waking up and not knowing where he was, if he was safe. What he didn’t understand was exactly what the Doctor had been getting at when he suggested Jared taking care of Jensen at a distance. He was aware of how PTSD worked, knew that they would be learning and picking up on many different triggers. Hell, he knew firsthand how it had worked with Chad at the beginning. 

He shook his head, clearing away those thoughts. No, no matter what Jensen was going through? He wasn’t Chad and he wouldn’t become Chad. If for no other reason than Jared wouldn’t let him. He had long since accepted Chad’s actions and behaviors as much of his fault as they had been Chad’s and he would do everything in his power to make sure that didn’t happen to Jensen. 

He let himself sink back into the cushions and let himself pretend to get lost in Chopped. His eyes kept flicking to the clock on the wall, his ears attuned to any noise coming from the other room. When he started to hear movement and a soft groan he pulled himself off the couch and found the small bag of prescriptions Donna had picked up on her way to bringing Jensen home. 

He poured a glass of water and grabbed the pills he needed before slipping back into the bedroom. He sunk down on the end of the bed and cautiously reached out to shake Jensen’s leg. He may be resolved to knowing Jensen would never become Chad, but he certainly wasn’t stupid. He would be staying at a safe distance, thank you very much.

Short of Jensen probably jerking his leg harder than he should have, waking him up didn’t go too badly. He smiled as he slipped into the bathroom. He got under the warm spray, sighing in relief as the hot water pounded down on his back. Hopefully Jensen would be getting physical therapy today on his leg and he himself was getting hot water therapy. He jumped when he heard the knocking on the door and contemplated getting out, soap be dammed. 

“I got it!” Jensen fired at him and he smiled, knowing there wouldn’t be much that would keep his boyfriend down. It would be a struggle getting him to listen to the Doctor’s orders once that leg started feeling better…

“Jensen?” Jared called out, hearing a crash from the other room. He wiped his hair back from his eyes, content he had gotten enough of the conditioner out of his hair and reaching to shut off the water. “Babe, you okay?”

“Yup!” He heard a muffled yell from the kitchen, and it did nothing to calm his nerves. What if Jensen had fallen on his way to the door? Or dropped a crutch and was stuck standing in the middle of the hallway, unable to move?

“I’ll be right out!” He yelled, grabbing a towel and drying off as fast as he could. He flipped his hair over, wringing out as much of the excess water as he could. He reached for the clothes he put on the toilet seat and pulled them on quickly, throwing the towel over the shower bar before pushing the door open with a puff of steam. 

“Jen, where are--” He stopped short, his heart in his throat as he took in the scene before him. Jensen was standing, slumped up against an officer in full uniform, his feet at strange angles. The Officer had him supported with an arm around his throat and a gun against his head.

“Hello, Jared.”

“Chad.” His eyes ran over Jensen’s body, seeing the steady, if not fast paced, rise and fall of his chest. “What are you doing?”

“What am I doing? You haven’t seen me in almost a year, Jared. Don’t you want to ask me how I am?”

Jared swallowed hard, tearing his eyes away to look into Chad’s face. He hadn’t changed much, except for his eyes. His eyes were harder, darker as they stared back at him. 

“Did you get my flowers? My pictures? I took special care to get them to you.” Chad smiled, looking Jared up and down as he did so.

“You’re insane.” Jared felt himself laugh, the pounding of his heart ringing through his ears, threatening to drown him. “You are seriously insane.”

“Me?” Chad laughed, and Jared swallowed hard as he saw his arm flex tighter around Jensen’s throat. “Well, I guess that’s your type then.” He nudged Jensen and Jared tore his eyes away from Chad to focus on Jensen’s face. His boyfriend’s eyes were closed and he was muttering something under his breath. Jared held his breath listening. 

“Jensen.” He whispered as realization hit. Jensen was gone, out of this room, muttering radio commands for a hostage situation. There was a gun pressed to his temple, an arm around his throat, and Jared had never felt more helpless than he did right then, staring across the room at Jensen buried deep into another world.

“Now, I think it’s time we stop dancing around this subject.” Chad’s voice brought him back into their current situation. He looked up, anger spiking through him as he met Chad’s calm eyes that were staring him down. He forced himself to hold the gaze, to keep his attention on Chad and not Jensen. He couldn’t be stupid about this… 

“What subject would that be?” He said slowly, trying not to let it show that he was looking around the room, checking for anything that could help.

“Don’t bother.” Chad snorted. “I can shoot faster than you can pick up something and lodge it in my direction. If you play nice? We can all walk out of here alive. Or well, he can’t walk, but you get the picture.”

“What do you want, Chad?” 

“Isn’t that obvious?” Chad shook his head, chuckling. “I want you, Jared. I want you to stop all this nonsense, stop playing pretend up here, and come back home. Don’t you think you’ve taken this just a bit too far? I bet you’ve gotten this poor sap to believe you love him. I get it, you didn’t like how I was treating you. Lesson learned.”

“You _stabbed_ me, Chad. You fucking tried to gut me!” Jared found himself yelling, his entire body shaking as Chad chuckled again.

“You always were the drama queen.” 

“What if I don’t?” Jared said after a moment, watching as Chad’s face changed and hardened. 

“Then I will kill him.” Chad said simply, shaking Jensen slightly. Jensen’s leg slid awkwardly on the ground and he almost pitched over, a strangled sound coming from his throat as Chad yanked him back up by his neck. “Don’t move.” Chad warned, stopping Jared in his place. Jensen gasped in Chad’s arms, blinking his eyes rapidly as he came back to them, taking in the situation.

“Jared.” He whispered, his eyes wide. 

“It’s okay, baby.” Jared tried to smile as he met Jensen’s eyes. He could feel the tears starting to pool as he turned his attention back to Chad. “You have to promise.” He could feel his throat thicken and forced himself to ignore Jensen’s sound of protest.

“I promise you, I will not hurt him.” Jared swallowed hard, shutting his eyes as he let Chad’s voice wash over him, offering promises to change, to be better for him, that they could be okay again. But instead of love and respect, Chad’s voice ooze poison and it made Jared feel sick. He opened his eyes again, nodding once. 

“Fuck, Jared. Don’t do this. You know exactly what’s going to happen.” Jensen grunted as Chad tried to cut him off, slamming the back of his head with the butt of his gun and releasing Jensen as he toppled down to the floor. 

“Chad! Fuck!” Jared went to move to Jensen’s side, his eyes scanning Jensen’s body for movement. Chad’s hand slammed against his chest, stopping him, a warning in his eyes as he shook his head. Jensen’s legs shifted on the ground and Jared let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Let me say goodbye.”

“There’s no need.” Chad said above Jensen’s groan. Jared swallowed hard, watching as Jensen gripped the side of the bed, pulling himself into a sitting position and wincing at the way his leg was twisted. Jared blinked, tears slipping from his eyes and flinched as Chad lifted his hand to wipe them away. “I’m all you need, Jare.”

“Jared.” Jensen whispered from the ground, pleading with his eyes. Jared opened his mouth to explain, to say anything, to explain that he _knew_. He felt it too. The pain in his chest, like his heart was being ripped apart, the clenching in his gut, the pounding in his head. Jensen’s eyes widened and he jerked his head over to the left. Jared glanced over. The bed, his pajama’s laid out, Jensen’s night stand… He gasped, eyes flicking back to Chad’s face. 

“I need to pack some of my stuff.” He said, nodding quickly. “Jensen isn’t going to want to ship me my things, you know?”

“We can get you everything you need, babe.” Chad’s face started to relax, though his hand was still curled around the pistol, his free hand resting on his utility belt. 

“Chad, baby…” Jared said, his stomach churning at the use of the pet name, forcing a smile onto his face as he reached out to run his hand down Chad’s arm. “There are some things that can’t be replaced.” Chad looked down at his hand, nodding slowly. 

Jared smiled, stepping away from him and exhaling as he went, moving to Jensen’s nightstand. He could feel both sets of eyes on his back and he inhaled deeply, trying to keep his shoulders from shaking. He pulled open the drawer slowly, Jensen’s pistol laid on top in perfect reach. He reached into the drawer, his mind blanking on everything Jensen told him except safety, point, shoot. His fingers closed around the cool metal and he brushed his thumb across the safety, clicking it off as he lifted it, barrel pointed straight into Chad’s chest. 

“You think I’m stupid, Jared?” A second click echoed his and Jared saw Chad standing back, his arm extended and his own gun pointing at Jensen’s head. “Like I wouldn’t check all the drawers while you’re lover was having his mini mental breakdown?” Jared swallowed hard, eyes darting between Jensen and Chad.

Jensen met his eyes, and Jared watched him exhale slowly, his chest rising and falling. He nodded once, looking up at Chad and then back at Jared, before nodding again. 

_Do it._ He could hear Jensen’s voice in his head. He nodded again. _Do it, Jared._ He looked at the gun in his hand, then back at Chad. 

“Drop it Jared, and we will walk out of here.” Chad was saying, his voice barely registering as it faded away. All Jared could hear was his pounding heart, all he could feel was the heavy metal in his hand, and all he could see were emerald eyes staring up at him from the floor, completely calm, completely trusting. 

_Do. It._

Jared exhaled and the world around him stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter won't take as long! I had some family things going on this week that pulled me away from writing. I promise, especially with this ending, I will have Chapter 12 up soon!
> 
> Also, a huge thank you to everyone who has stuck with me. This is my first J2 story and I am loving the support I've gotten! You guys are the best. xx


	12. Clean

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chaptertwelvenbanner_zpsnwpjhrvu.jpg.html)

**Chapter Twelve: Clean**  
 _So I punched a hole in the roof,_  
 _Let the floor carry away all my pictures of you._  
 _The water filled my lungs,_  
 _I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing._  
 _Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning_  
 _That’s when I could finally breathe_  
 _And by morning, gone was any trace of you_  
 _I think I am finally clean._  
‘Clean’ by Taylor Swift, 1989.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

Jensen swallowed hard, the room spinning around him. He could hear people shouting, trying to speak to him, but he couldn’t respond. None of them were Jared. Where was Jared? Pain ripped up his leg and he reached down, fingers slick against the brace. He raised his hand, fingertips shining and red, he could feel something wet on his face. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to breathe, to stay focused. Why was he bleeding? What happened?! Jared, where was Jared?

“I don’t know what happened, we just got here!” Mom? He blinked his eyes a few times, turning his head to the side. There were men in uniform milling around the room, some with cameras, some talking in radios. A man knelt beside him, fiddling around with his arm. He wanted to rip it away, tell him not to touch him, but all he could do was groan.

When did all of these people get here? He swallowed hard, his throat constricting against him and he gagged, gasping for air. Last he remembered… He let Chad into the house… and then he was in the bedroom and Jared was offering to go with him, to keep him safe. 

Jared… Fuck, where was Jared?

“He’s awake!” The man said, a flashlight suddenly blinding him. “Mr. Ackles, do you know where you are? Try not to move. Can you tell me where you hurt?”

“Jared.” He forced out, moving his head away from the intense gaze of the EMT. “Jared?!”

“Right now I am going to worry about you.” Jensen ignored him, letting him go about his business, moving around his body. He ignored the questions and tried to find his mother, he knew he had heard her voice, knew she would tell him where Jared was.

He looked up and saw red splashed against the wall. He blinked at it, the start contrast of red to white was almost blinding. He closed his eyes, all he could see was red.

“Ma’am, he shot an officer.” Who shot an officer? He blinked his eyes open, eyes scanning the wall again. Blood. Jared had gotten his gun, and Chad had his gun… Did Chad shoot Jared? Did Jared shoot Chad? Jensen’s heart clenched painfully and he struggled to sit up, to tell them what really happened, what he remembered anyways.

“I don’t give a damn what he did.” His mother fired back, and he found her then. Her hair was falling out of its bun, her eyes wide and cheeks streaked with tears. “You said yourself that he wasn’t an NYPD Officer! This was self defense--”

“Ma’am, we are just doing our job.”

“Mom?” Jensen called out, trying to get his voice louder, to get her attention.

“Mr. Ackles, please. You need to calm down so I can--”

“No! Mom!” He tried to push the man away, his arms shaking with the effort and another jolt of pain ripping through him. He could feel the room spinning again, dots flooding his eyes. “Mom?”

“I’m here baby.” Her hands were in his in a second, cradling his hand to her chest. “I’m here, and Mackenzie went with Jared. Don’t worry, baby, okay?”

“It wasn’t...” He felt nausea roll through him and he struggled to keep conscious. “I don’t remember… But Chad! It was Chad…”

“Hush.” She whispered, pressing her lips to his hand. He could feel his hand was damp and he didn’t know if she was crying, or if it was blood. “Let them take care of you.” She whispered. He opened his mouth to reply, to beg to see Jared, to ask where Chad was, to find out what happened, but darkness claimed him.

***

When Jensen came to again, he was lying in a hospital bed, hooked back up to monitors screaming at him. He sighed, pressing the heel of his palms into his eyes. If he never saw another hospital room again…

“Jenny?” A soft whisper came from his side. His eyes whipped open and he found Mackenzie’s tear filled ones staring back at him. “Hey.”

“Don’t cry.” He whispered, twisting his fingers around hers.

“Can you just stop?” She whispered closing her eyes as two fat tears slipped down her cheek, falling onto her chest. “Do you have to put yourself in life threatening situations?”

“Mack…” He sighed, closing his eyes again. “Where is Jared?”

“You don’t want to know how you are?” He shot her a look, and couldn’t bother to feel guilty when she shrunk back. She sighed, dropping his hand and leaning back into her chair. “He got out of surgery… but he’s refusing to see any one. He refused me, Mom, his own parents… The only one he’s talking to is his lawyer.”

“What? Surgery? Why won’t he see you?” Jensen asked, shaking his head confused.

“I don’t know why, he won’t talk to us.” She whispered, looking down. “You don’t remember what happened?”

“No…” He closed his eyes, trying to think back. “Why won’t he see you?”

“He probably feels guilty…” Mackenzie whispered and Jensen felt a surge of anger.

“Excuse me?” He demanded, shifting himself on the bed and ignoring the pain that he was given in return. Mackenzie steeled herself and met his gaze.

“I said, he probably feels guilty. I told him he was more than welcome to come to stay with us with you. He knew this freak was around and harassing him and he knowingly put you in danger. You could have died, again Jensen! What the hell? He should--“

“Don’t you dare.” Jensen hissed. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I made the choice to stay, me, not him. And he was willing to go with Chad to make sure I was safe. He has nothing to feel guilty for, nothing at all. And don’t you dare act like he does.” Fresh tears spilled down his sister’s cheeks but she kept silent, staring at the floor. “Now, if you can’t talk to me without blaming Jared? Then I need you to get Mom. Or someone else that will talk to me.”

“I’ll do that.” She fired at him, jumping to her feet and running out the door, slamming it behind her. He cursed, letting his eyes fall closed again.

Did Jared really blame himself? If anything, it was Jensen’s own fault for letting Chad into the house; for not asking for ID or even checking the uniform completely. He let himself freak out and it almost cost him Jared. He felt the familiar heat of tears stinging behind his eyes and he fought against them, willing himself to stay calm until he knew everything.

“Hey, Jensen.” His mom’s voice was soft as she slipped into the room. “You hurt Mackenzie’s feelings.”

“I don’t care right now, Mom. She pissed me off.” He replied watching as she lowered herself into the chair Mackenzie had just vacated. The feeling of déjà vu threatened to overwhelm him and he finally felt guilty about attacking his sister. This had to be just as hard on them as it was for him…

“Your father and Josh are here.” She said, reaching for his hand and patting it gently. “Should I send them in?”

“No, Mom. I want to know what happened to Jared.” He shook his head, pleading with her. “I don’t… I remember Jared getting the gun, and I heard the shot… but…” He furrowed his brow, and his mom stayed silent, squeezing his hand gently.

_The shot echoed as Jared pulled the trigger, the force of the gun knocking Jared’s hand up a few inches and the bullet going wide, hitting the wall. Chad moved, lightning quick as turned the gun towards Jared, firing once, then twice._

_“Jared!” Jensen heard himself scream, the sound ripping through him as he launched himself forward, ignoring the pain in his leg, the painful noise that tore out of Chad, and dragged himself to Jared’s collapsed form on the ground. “Jared!”_

_Jared’s hands moved wildly, reaching out for Jensen, his pupils blown wide._

_“Jensen.” He choked out. “I can’t… Fuck…” Bright red blood was blossoming across Jared’s stomach and chest, and Jensen lurched forward, pressing their hands against the wounds._

_“It’s okay baby, it’s going to be okay.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he scanned the room, looking for something to help, anything._

_“You piece of shit!” A fist connected to the side of his head and he was ripped away from Jared’s body, falling onto his back with Chad kneeling over him. “Look what you did! Look what you did!” He screamed, his fists pounding into Jensen’s chest and stomach over and over again. Jensen raised his arms, trying to protect his face and buck Chad off of him._

_“Fuck!” He swore as Chad knelt on his leg, the pain almost causing him to black out._

_“Jare baby…” Chad was sobbing as he dragged himself off of Jensen and over to Jared._

_“Jen?” Jared whispered, blood bubbling to the corner of his lips._

_“Fuck you, Jared!” Chad screamed, gripping Jared’s shoulders and yanking him up. “You don’t need him! I am all you need! We are all we need!”_

_“Let him go!” Jensen yelled as Jared screamed out. “Let him go!” Chad continued to shake Jared’s shoulders and Jensen’s stomach clenched as Jared’s eyes rolled back and he went limp in Chad’s arms. Jensen’s moved to push himself up again, his hand falling on Chad’s forgotten pistol. He gripped it tightly, rising it up and pulling the trigger without a second thought. Chad and Jared fell together, slumping on the ground._

_“Jared…” Jensen whispered, dragging himself forward. Blood… wet… sticky. “Jared.” He said again, forcing himself to focus on Jared’s body, his face upturned to the ceiling, eyes closed._

“Jared!” He yelled out, eyes wide as he spun on his mother. She was crying, nodding her head slowly before standing up to envelope him in her arms.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jaredbanner_zpsja92in2w.jpg.html)

“Jared?” Angela’s voice was soft, but firm and he knew she was seconds away from touching him if he didn’t respond.

“What do you want me to say, Angela?” He whispered, blinking his eyes open to stare up at the ceiling. 

“Well, for one, I’ve kept the police away from both you and Jensen but I’m not going to be able to do it much longer. You’re going to have to give your statements. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell your family and his every time I step out of this room and get bombarded with questions.”

“I have nothing to say.” He swallowed hard, feeling his throat tighten again. 

“Jensen’s awake.” She whispered and Jared let his eyes fall closed again, ignoring her. “Jared?”

“Are we done?” He asked, shifting onto his side and ignoring the pain that blossomed across his stomach and chest. “I have to get up and use the bathroom.”

“You can’t avoid this anymore Jared.” Angela’s voice was still quiet but he could hear the anger in her words. He heard her push the chair back and her quick steps across the floor, her heels clicking against the linoleum. “Hiding is what got you into this situation, Jared. Don’t do it again.” 

When the door clicked shut, he let the tears fall.

***

“Mr. Padalecki?” He opened his eyes as a nurse walked into the room, pushing her cart in with her.

“Door please.” Jared said, watching for her to shut the door. She nodded for a moment, sighing slightly. 

“Do you have any pain?”

“I’m fine.” 

“Jared…” She said, clicking around on the computer a few times. “If you don’t keep up with your pain medication it’s going to be--”

“I am fine. Thank you.” Jared said, cutting her off. She took a step across the room and poked him in the stomach. Even though the touch was gentle, it sent pain ripping through him and he couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped. 

“Mmm.” She said, turning back away from him. “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

“What?” Jared asked, turning to face her completely now. “No… Why would you ask that?”

“Well, you’re a young man who has been through a traumatic experience who is now refusing all contact with his family and the people that love him. You are in excruciating pain to the point where you’re making a point to use plastic urinals instead of getting up to take care of business in the bathroom. You’re refusing pain medications, actually, all medications and you haven’t been eating or drinking.” He stared at her for a second before turning away again to let his head sink into a pillow. “We are here to help you, Jared.” She said softly. 

“I don’t need your help.” He whispered back and didn’t relax until she left the room, leaving him alone again.

***

“JARED!” Jared’s eyes snapped open at his name, his body twitching at every pound against the door. “Jared, open the fucking door!”

“Sir!” He heard a nurse’s voice in join the first, her voice condescending. “You can’t--”

“Like hell I can’t.” Jensen growled back and Jared’s stomach clenched. He should have expected this… “I am not leaving until he lets me in!”

“Mr. Ackles! This is not appropriate. You can’t barge into other patient’s rooms! This patient has asked not to be disturbed and…”

“And he’s going to get over himself. JARED! Open this door NOW!” Jensen resumed his kicking and hitting on the door. “Fucking sedate me then!” Jared sighed, grimacing as he pulled himself up in bed with the side rail. He opened the door to see an angry Jensen in a wheelchair, ripping his arm out of the nurses’ grasp. “Fuck!” He swore, glaring at Jared as he pushed himself into the room. 

“Mr. Padalecki, I’m so sorry, just let me…” The nurse tried to follow Jensen into the room but Jared stopped her, shaking his head. 

“He’s fine.” He said, and she looked between them slowly. She slipped out of the room, her expression still guarded and worried. 

“What the fuck Jared.” Jensen said, his voice returned to normal when Jared turned around to face him. “You’ve been refusing our family for four days, _me_ for four days.”

“I’m sorry.” Jared looked away, moving to sink back down on the bed, trying not to show the pain he felt on his face. He deserved this anyways…

“Jay…” Jensen shifted forward in the chair, reaching for his hand and pulling it against his lips. When the soft heat of Jensen’s lips touched his skin he shivered. 

“Jensen.” He tried to pull back but Jensen tightened his grip. 

“You have no idea how worried I was about you. They wouldn’t tell me anything at first, I had to get it from your mom. And even then, the only reason they let her talk to me was because you hadn’t seen her. I just got finished giving my statement to the police and cleared to come see you and that’s the first thing I did.”

“I’m okay.” Jared whispered, nodding his head. He didn’t know who he was trying to convince.

“You’re not.” Jensen replied, tilting his head to get Jared to look at him.

“Do you know how fucked up this is?” Jared finally pulled away from Jensen, hating the look he put on his face, knowing he was the reason it was there. He gasped, tears stinging the back of his throat and eyes. “None of this should have ever happened. I never should have put you in danger. It’s my fault, it’s all my fault.”

“What are you talking about Jared?” Jensen shook his head, his own tears filling his eyes. “What the hell are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that I’m not good for you. I fucked up, and it almost got you killed. And now… God, now Chad is dead and they’re going to be rooting through your life, digging up anything they can to get you in trouble, and I just… I should have never of let you…” He trailed off with a sob, refusing to speak the words. 

“Don’t do this, Jared.” Jensen whispered, the silence pressing down on them. Jared closed his eyes, letting the tears fall down his face. He bit the inside of his cheek, the coppery taste of blood crashing into his tongue. He refused to acknowledge it… He would wait until Jensen accepted this, say his piece about how much Jared fucked up his life, and leave. Only then would Jared be okay to fall apart.

He jumped, eyes flying open when the bed beside him dipped. Jensen was pushing himself up onto the bed, arms shaking as he did so.

“What are you doing?” Jared whispered.

“Look at me.” Jensen got himself situated, his leg resting on the wheelchair and Jared leaned forward to check the brakes, not wanting the chair to move on accident. “Stop stalling, and look at me.” Jared nodded slowly, turning his entire body to face Jensen. Jensen’s eyes were the brightest green he had ever seen them, the intensity was overwhelming. 

“What?” He asked after a minute.

“Do you love me?” Jensen whispered, eyes flashing.

“Of course I do.” Jared replied, shaking his head. “That doesn’t--”

“Do you feel safe with me?” Jensen cut him off, reaching for his hand again.

“I’ve always felt safe with you.”

“Do you think your life would be easier without me?”

“Jen… I think _your_ life would be easier.”

“Jared, please. Answer me.” Jensen let his eyes fall closed, pain dancing across his face. 

“No, I don’t think it would be easier. I think it would be a hell of a lot more miserable.”

“I want you to kiss me.” Jensen’s eyes flew open again and Jared felt his mouth go dry. He swallowed hard before leaning forward and capturing Jensen’s lips in a chaste kiss. “Jared… don’t leave me.” His whisper sent a shock through Jared’s body and a tear slipped down his cheek, falling onto the back of Jared’s hand still clasped in Jensen’s. 

“Jensen…” Jared squeezed his hand, reaching up to grab the back of his neck and pull them together. Jensen gasped into his mouth, gripping his hands in Jared’s shirt and pulling them even closer. Jared felt himself crying, and he forced everything he had into their kiss. He let his mouth fall open until he couldn’t tell where he stopped and Jensen began. Jensen was all he could taste, all he could see and feel.

“It’s my choice Jared. It’s mine. And I love you, I need you. I almost lost you… And he’s gone, okay? He’s gone. It’s just us, you and me. And I’ll take care of you. I promise you I will take care of you, I’ll never hurt you and I’ll always love you. Trust me, don’t close me out. Please Jared.” Jensen’s entire body was shaking and Jared opened his arms, letting Jensen fall into them. “Please.”

“Okay.” Jared whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Jensen’s head. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

“We are going to get through this.” Jensen whispered against the hollow of his throat, sending a shiver down his spine. “We are.” Jared nodded slowly, knowing Jensen was trying to convince them both. “Just don’t let go.”

Jared shifted back on the bed, laying down and helping Jensen get his leg into place on the bed before opening his arms again. Jensen stretched across his side, wrapping his arms loosely around his waist, his face buried into his neck. 

“I’m sorry.” Jared whispered, listening as Jensen’s breathing started to even out. “I’m so sorry this happened…”

“Jared…” Jensen looked up, cupping his face. “Everything happens for a reason, okay? When you fell… All I could see was the blood… I thought you died. I thought you had left me, and it broke me. But you’re here. I’m here. And we’re going to get through this, okay?”

“I love you, so much.” Jared whispered, kissing Jensen softly. 

“I love you too.” Jensen smiled back at him. Jared watched as he reached over their bodies, pressing the call bell. “You need to take your medication. I heard them bitching about you at the nurses station. And you need to stop blaming yourself, and stop feeling guilty. And Jay? Happy Valentine's Day.”

Jared nodded, closing his eyes and breathing in Jensen’s scent. He had almost lost Jensen again… He kissed Jensen’s neck, feeling the steady beat of his pulse under his lips. And he tried to relax. Jensen was here, he was alive, and he was still fighting for them.

[ ](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/jensenbanner_zpsgfaikrbi.jpg.html)

Jensen had stopped outside of the door, reaching back to find Jared’s hand waiting for him, and they walked into Jared’s apartment together. He could remember the way Jared’s hand shook in his, and the moment the door was closed behind them, he didn’t feel ashamed at checking the lock three times before finally allowing himself to go deeper into the apartment. That had been two weeks ago, and still, they were both checking locks on windows and doors, barely straying from each other in the house.

Jensen looked up from the book he was reading on the couch, surprised to see Jared wasn’t in the living room anymore. He pushed off the couch, telling himself the dread that filled his stomach was irrational. Chad was gone, and they were safe. He peeked into the bedroom, seeing it was empty, and shuffled as fast as he could into the kitchen. He had been brace free for almost a month now, most of his therapy was completed between the hospital and his parent’s house, but when he found himself resting for too long in one position, it stiffened up and was completely unforgiving. 

He had been released from the hospital a few days after he had been admitted, his parents taking him to their house just outside of the city. For once, he was grateful they had moved up to New York with him, not wanting to be too far away from their son. He convinced his therapists that he would be better off doing PT on his leg at the hospital itself in outpatient, and was able to visit with Jared every night until visiting hours were over. 

Now, it was almost the end of April, and Jensen couldn’t believe how fast the time had flown. 

“Jay?” He called out, trying to swallow down his panic.

“Balcony!” He instantly relaxed when Jared called back to him, and he made his way to the sliding doors, slipping out of them. Jared was leaning against the railing, his hair pushed back and held there by his sunglasses. “Hey.” He smiled and Jensen melted. It had been far too long since a smile from Jared was truly this sincere. 

“Hey… didn’t know where you went. What are you doing?” Jensen slipped into one of the chairs, stretching his leg out before him. Jared watched him carefully, asking him silently if his leg was good. He nodded, and met Jared’s eyes, waiting.

“I’m just out here thinking.” Jared shrugged, taking his place in the other chair, crossing his legs at the ankles.

“About?”

“You know we’ve almost been together for a year.” He smiled, looking at Jensen. “Can you believe that?” Jensen thought for a moment, surprised when he realized Jared was right and relieved at the same time. 

“Wow… shit…” Jensen chuckled. 

“I know. Amazing, isn’t it? So… I was thinking…” He trailed off and Jensen felt the familiar clench in his stomach. Jared had been having a multitude of revelations lately, his moods changing drastically as he fought with the guilt over what happened and the pressing need he had to be strong, thinking that was the only way he would be good for Jensen. 

Jensen held his breath, knowing that last night had been a bad night for them. He had woken up screaming… Something had crashed in the apartment next door, and he had flown out of the bed, panicking when he couldn’t find his gun, and it had taken far too long for Jared to calm him down enough to realize where he was. He scanned over Jared’s arms, looking for any bruises he might have left, even though Jared had reassured him for hours that he was alright.

What if Jared didn’t want this anymore? 

“I want to get out of the city.” He said softly, his eyes moving slowly to meet Jensen’s. “Not far... I know your friends are here, and I still want to stay at the hospital… but this building? This building holds a lot of crap for us, you know? And… Well…” Jared looked down again and Jensen suddenly realized he was nervous.

“Jay…” He said slowly, shifting forward on the chair. 

“We have had a lot of things happen to us… and I know I haven’t been the easiest person to live with lately.” Jared smiled shyly and looked down into his lap. One of his hands were rubbing his stomach slowly, and Jensen burned at the thought that Chad had gotten to him again. “I just… I know what happened, I watched it happen, but sometimes I can’t believe that he’s really gone, you know? I keep expecting him to come waltzing back into my life, threatening you and what we have, and it scares me. Or, well, it did.”

“It did?” Jensen prodded gently, watching a multitude of emotions play across his boyfriend’s face. 

“It did. I was sitting out here and watching all of the people down in the street, living their lives. And I thought… how many of them have had something bad happen to them? Every single one of them. Everyone has bad things happen to them, and no one else can compare their own bad experiences to yours. You have to own them, they’re a part of you.” He sighed, pressing his fingers against the jagged scar on his lower stomach, the first physical scar Chad had given him. “And I realized that I had to do that. I needed to own it.”

“Okay.” Jensen nodded, trying to understand where Jared was going with this conversation.

“Chad fucked me up.” Jared said, facing Jensen head on. “He hurt me, he scared me, and he threatened you. But he won’t change _me_. I can’t let that happen. And by holding onto him, what he did and how he made me feel? That’s changing me. I am done with him. He can’t hurt me anymore. I have the scars that will remind me every day of what I’ve gone through, but he’s not a part of it anymore. I feel… I feel free of him, scrubbed clean and new.

“I want us to live together.” He said after a pause, eyes flicking up again. “I mean, really live together. Not, stay at one apartment but pay for two. I… There’s a posting for a realtor at work and I took down her number…”

“Jared, yes.” Jensen’s felt himself smiling at the sudden change of the conversation. He reached for Jared’s hand, still nodding like an idiot. “Yes, a million times yes. God, I am so proud of you.”

“Really?” Jared’s eyes danced as he swung his legs over the chair, tucking his knee between Jensen’s legs. 

“Yes, really. I think it’s a fantastic idea. I… Yes, God, Jared.” Jared laughed happily and it warmed Jensen’s entire body. “Come here.” Jared shifted forward, crushing their lips together. Jensen tangled his hand through Jared’s hair, kissing him slowly, exploring every inch of his mouth. “You make me so happy.” He whispered against Jared’s lips.

“Come inside.” Jared smiled, helping him into a standing position. “I… I want you to make love to me.” He whispered against Jensen’s neck, sending shivers down his spine. Realizing the impact of his words, Jensen looked up, searching Jared’s face carefully. “He can’t have that anymore, he can’t have any part of me. Please?”

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, wrapping his arms around Jared and kissing him. “Yeah, of course baby.”

They made their way into the bedroom slowly, kissing and pulling off articles of clothing as they went. Jensen made a point to shower every inch of Jared’s body with attention. They fell onto the bed, Jensen immediately covering Jared’s body with his own, pressing against him and kissing him deeply. 

“I love you, so much, Jared.” He whispered into Jared’s mouth, sucking his lower lip as his hands ran up Jared’s sides. 

“Love you, Jen.” Jared whispered back, groaning as he bucked his hips up, pressing them together. Jared’s body was hot, burning against him in the most delicious way. Jensen kissed him softly, reaching up to the nightstand for the supplies. 

“On your side.” He said softly, pressing against Jared’s hip. “I don’t think my leg will hold out any other way.” Jared chuckled softly, rolling to his side and reaching up to pull Jensen’s head down for a kiss. Jensen flicked open the cap of the lubricant bottle, coating up his fingers before tossing it behind them on the bed. He pressed himself against Jared’s back, his free hand slipping underneath Jared’s body and wrapping around his chest, his fingers dancing across Jared’s nipples. 

“Tease.” Jared whispered, arching his head back to lay on Jensen’s shoulder. “We haven’t done this since our camping trip…” Jensen nodded, kissing his cheek. He ran his hand down Jared’s side, curling around his ass to find his entrance. Jared bent his leg up, shifting his hips back to give Jensen better access. 

"You’re so beautiful.” Jensen whispered rubbing circles at Jared’s entrance, waiting for the muscle to relax before pressing in. Jared moaned his response, biting his lower lip into his mouth. Jensen took his time opening him up, twisting his fingers in slow circles, his other hand brushing against the scars on Jared’s stomach and chest. 

When Jared started to push back onto his fingers, he added a second and then a third, twisting them around until Jared was twisting with him, moaning loudly and clenching down around him. 

“Jensen, please.” He whimpered, twisting his fingers with Jensen’s hand on his chest. “I need to feel you, just you.” He whispered and Jensen nodded, withdrawing his fingers and pumping his own length, coating it with the leftover lube on his hand. 

“Are you sure?” He whispered, shifting his hips closer. 

“I’ve never been more sure.” Jared nodded, looking over his shoulder to meet his eyes. Jensen nodded, holding his gaze as he guided himself into Jared’s body, his hand gripping the back of Jared’s knee and pulling it up further. Jared groaned, eyes fluttering closed as Jensen slid in completely, their bodies flush against one another. 

“Jay… So tight…” Jensen whispered, kissing across Jared’s shoulders and waiting for Jared’s body to adjust to him.

“Love you, love you so much.” Jared replied, pushing back to let Jensen know he was ready. Jensen pulled back, working his way in and out of Jared’s body slowly. They kissed slowly, pushing against each other, their hands intertwined, gripping at one another as if their lives depended on it. 

Jensen heard Jared’s breath hitch, and he knew he was close. He slipped his hand free from Jared’s leg, running it across his lower stomach until he found Jared’s hard and hot length. He wrapped his fingers around the heated flesh, squeezing gently as he started jacking his hand to the same rhythm as his hips.

“Jensen!” Jared gasped, his body clenching down on him, fingers digging into Jensen’s arms. “God, Jen… So good.”

“Come on baby, come with me.” Jensen moaned into Jared’s ear, slipping his tongue along the lower lobe before sucking into his mouth. Jared tightened around him again and he moaned, eyes fluttering closed as he pressed himself deeper and harder against Jared. 

He heard Jared’s cry, his release spilling over their combined hands and Jensen let himself go, burying himself deep inside of Jared’s body. Jared was everything, all around him, surrounding him and filling every part of him that had been missing or broken. 

A sob escaped from Jared’s throat and Jensen’s eyes flew open. He slipped out of Jared’s body, pulling Jared into his chest. He held onto him as Jared cried, whispering softly to him and kissing across his forehead. 

"I’m sorry.” Jared whispered, his shoulders shaking slightly as he kissed Jensen’s chest. “I’m just… So happy.” 

“I love you, so much.” Jensen smiled down on him, pulling back so he could claim Jared’s mouth. “Thank you. Thank you for trusting me.”

“No, Jen.” Jared shook his head, carding his fingers through Jensen’s hair, now long enough to tangle into. “Thank you.” Jensen smiled, moving to tuck them underneath the covers before kissing him softly again.


	13. That's How You Get The [Boy]

[](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chapterthirteenbanner_zpscquelhiz.jpg.html)  


**Chapter Thirteen: How To Get The [Boy]**  
 _I want you for worse or for better_  
 _I would wait, forever and ever_  
 _Broke you heart, I’ll put it back together_  
 _I would wait forever and ever_  
 _And that’s how it works_  
 _It’s how you get the [boy]_.  
‘How You Get The Girl’ by Taylor Swift, 1989.

  


Jared sighed, leaning back into the seat, his hands resting over the top of the steering wheel. Sometimes he didn’t know why he refused to park at the furthest subway station and take the train into Manhattan. He punched the radio dial, changing the station again for what felt like the 100th time in the past half hour. Saving a bit of money every month was not worth being stuck in the morning traffic every time he got out just a bit too late. 

He cheered silently when the cars in front of him began to move. He pressed the car forward and hoped he would get further than a few feet this time. He wanted to get home before Jensen had to leave for class…

He smiled at the thought. They had bought a small house, forty minutes outside of the city in Harrison (though, on mornings like this it, commute could take Jared up to two hours). Jensen had busied himself for the first two months fixing up each room, painting the walls, building shelves and bookcases, building a brick patio off the back deck, and they had both refused to acknowledge or talk about what Jensen’s plans were. Until they had no other choice.

_”Hey babe! I’m outside!” Jared called through the open screen door, settling back into the lawn chair to soak up more of the summer sunshine. A slam of the cupboard and refrigerator were all he was answered. “Jensen?” He asked, pushing his sunglasses back and leaning over to look into the house._

_Jensen was leaning against the wall of the hallway, his eyes closed as he drank deeply from a beer he had gotten from the fridge. He opened his eyes, meeting Jared’s for a moment before turning away, tipping back the beer again._

_“Jensen?” Jared pushed out of the chair, pushing open the screen door to follow Jensen back into the kitchen. “What’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing.” Jensen hissed, dropping the empty bottle into the recycling bin and reaching into the fridge for a second. “Absolutely fucking nothing.”_

_“Right.” Jared said softly, watching as Jensen downed the second beer, barely coming up for a breath. “How about you grab a soda this time?” He said when Jensen reached into the fridge again._

_“What are you, my mother?” Jensen shot at him, making a show of opening up his third beer and taking a long draw, eyes locked on Jared._

_“Well.” Jared tore his eyes away, his stomach twisting. “When you’re done being an asshole? Come and find me.” Silence fell over them. As Jared turned to leave the kitchen, Jensen called out, his voice slicing through the silence._

_“I’m being discharged.” Jared froze, but didn’t turn around. He heard the clink of the beer bottle on the countertop, Jensen’s clothing shuffling as he moved. “They’re kicking me out. I haven’t gotten enough mobility back… I told… I told them I could work harder, that I would work harder… but they said I was above 30% disabled and that… They just…” Jensen’s voice broke and Jared turned with his arms open, Jensen immediately falling into them._

_“It’s okay, Jen.” Jared whispered, tightening his arms around Jensen’s back, holding onto him as silent sobs shook his shoulders._

_“I’m nothing.” Jensen whispered into Jared’s shirt, hands gripping the fabric tight. “They think I’m broken, I’m useless.”_

_“No, Jensen. No you’re not. You served your country and you paid for it in one of the worst ways.” Jared pulled him back slightly to meet his eyes. “I am so proud of you, for everything you’ve gone through and the progress you’ve made. Just because you can’t be active duty, doesn’t mean you can’t be involved.”_

_“I’m not going to be a fucking recruiter.” Jensen scoffed, wiping at his eyes now that he was calmer._

_“Well, that’s probably not your only option. We will figure something else out, okay? No matter what, you’re still a soldier. And you served your country and your men. Don’t you dare tell yourself otherwise.” Jensen nodded slowly, pressing his lips to Jared’s softly. Jared kissed him back, wrinkling his nose at the smell of beer that greeted him._

_“I’m sorry.” Jensen whispered, pulling them together again and laying his head on Jared’s chest. Jared nodded._

Jensen had gone to a few meetings down at the base, his out-processing took a huge toll out of him emotionally, but he had come home after one meeting, smiling ear to ear. He had decided to go back and finish law school so he could work as a defense attorney for military families. 

Jared was relieved as Jensen’s drive returned, and he watched as his boyfriend threw himself into applying to law schools in the city, setting up meetings to meet with the Dean due to his late application, and he had come home the week before with an acceptance to NYU School of Law. 

Jared sighed again as the traffic came to a halt, and turned his head to look out the window. People were fighting to enjoy their last bits of summer, toting kids around with towels slung over their shoulders and carrying coolers on their way to the local pools. Jared’s phone buzzed beside him, causing him to jump and look down.

“Hey, babe.” He answered, leaning into the phone. “I’m stuck in traffic.”

“Yeah, I figured as much. I have to head out. I don’t want to get stuck and be late for my first lecture.” Jensen sighed on the other end and Jared could hear him rustling around, packing up his bag. 

“Okay. I’ll see you when you get home? Don’t eat there, okay? I have something special planned for you.” Jared smiled, easing the car forward again as the traffic started to move. “We should celebrate.”

“Alright babe.” Jensen chuckled. “Love you, Jay.”

“Love you more.” 

Jared sighed, now that he wasn’t in a rush to get home, the traffic was moving at a steady pace. Figures. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, thoughts drifting back to Jensen who was probably well on his way to stopping for a fresh cup of coffee. He smiled to himself again.

Although Jensen didn’t like to hear it, he was proud of how far Jensen had come, how far _both_ of them had come. When they got into their new house, Jared needed it to be a fresh start for them both. He had signed himself up for counseling and had made it from three days a week down to once every two weeks. Although there were small things that ended up reminding him of Chad, he was at a place where he could accept the memories from the _good_ part of their relationship and be okay with it. 

Jensen had ended up making friends with a few of the guys he met in the out-processing and Jared was shocked when Jensen came home one night and said he had gone to a support group for PTSD on base. Jared had barely let Jensen get the rest of his story out before he took him right there in the middle of the living room.

They were definitely in a good place. 

Jared was finally able to merge onto the highway, glad to be going above 15 mph for once. He reached down for his phone again, holding down the center button to engage Siri.

“Call Tom.” He said into the bottom of the phone.

“Calling Tom…” Siri’s robotic voice sang out before the phone was connected.

“Hey, J-man. What’s up?” Tom came onto the other end before the phone was muffled, “Come on guys! Do not make me add on remedial PT for tomorrow as well!”

“Are you busy?” Jared asked, chuckling to himself. They had only seen Tom twice since the rest of the unit had come back from Afghanistan. Tom had helped them move into the new house, but once Jensen had gotten news of his discharge, he had ignored most of Tom’s calls up until recently.

“Naw… What’s up? Is Jackles okay?” He asked, concern filtering through his voice.

“Oh yeah, he’s good. That’s actually why I called… I want to celebrate tonight. I’m thinking of having a BBQ or something. Think you can make it?”

“Well, we won’t be out of here until 6… is 7 too late to start?” 

“No, Jensen probably won’t be home until around there anyways. I think his last class is at four…” Jared trailed off, trying to picture the schedule they had taped onto the fridge. 

“Alright, awesome. I forgot he started classes today. Pretty soon that fucker’s going to be smarter than me!” Tom laughed.

“Oh, impossible.” 

“Yeah, yeah. You’re just saying that because I’m so damn pretty. Want me to bring anything? Any of the boys? A date?”

“You can bring anything or anyone you want. I’ll be heading to the store to pick up some burgers and stuff. If you want to drink something specific just bring that, you know what we have.” Jared said, checking his rearview mirror before changing lanes. 

“Alright! I’m excited. It’s gonna be good to see you guys.” The sincerity in Tom’s voice made him feel a little guilty he hadn’t pushed Jensen more to talk to his best friend. But that was their deal. 

“Yeah, it will be good to see you too. I’ll see you tonight.” He smiled as he hung up and briefly wondered if it was too short a notice to get Jensen’s parents up for dinner as well…

***

“Mackenzie, you’re insane.” Jared said, his eyes wide as Jensen’s sister came waltzing in through the front door, her arms loaded with baking supplies. 

“Well, I know you two probably don’t make much that isn’t from a box… and I think that this celebration deserves a cake that isn’t half crushed from a grocery store!” Jared chuckled as he took some of the supplies out of her arms and followed her into the kitchen.

“I just hope you don’t expect me to help.” He said, eyeing the bag of flour and sugar Mackenzie had started to rip open.

“Don’t you worry, I’ve got this covered. You just go and pick up the house.” Jared gave her a look causing her to roll her eyes. “Jared! If you’re having a party you’re supposed to clean every room of the house!”

“I figured we would be outside…” He said, stopping when she glared at him.

“Boys. Seriously? It doesn’t matter. People like to look, especially since not everyone has seen your new house. Every room! Now go!” She shoved him out of the kitchen, whipping a dish rag and a few bottles of cleaner into his arms. 

“Did you bring these too?” He laughed, looking down at the new bottles. “We _do_ have cleaning supplies you know.”

“Less talking, more cleaning.” She smirked, cracking a towel so it hit the back of his leg before throwing it over her shoulder. “And put on some music while you’re at it.”

“Yes, Ma’am!” Jared saluted her and ran around the corner before he caught the look on her face. He paused in the living room to slide Jensen’s iPod into the dock, setting his music to shuffle. He hoped his sister had the same taste in music…

He paused for a second as a Journey song started playing, smiling to himself when he heard Mackenzie belting out the lyrics. He looked down at the cleaning supplies in his hand and sighed as he made his way into the downstairs bathroom to start his mission.

Jensen was glad he was doing this. Despite the fact that his hand was in a constant cramp, threatening to pop off at any second, from the pages upon pages of notes he’d taken today. Despite the fact that his stomach was eating itself from the inside because he hadn’t thought to grab a snack before his second lecture, telling himself that three hours was really nothing. Despite the fact that he had gotten the wrong edition of the book, because he hadn’t logged into his student account and checked his email, because the Professor preferred the older edition. 

He tried not to watch the second hand dragging its way slowly around the clock face. But he would be lying if he said he wasn’t ready for a beer, pajamas and dinner with Jared. 

When the Professor started packing up his own belongings and rattling off the next three chapters (three chapters? Seriously?), he wanted them to read for next week, Jensen was glad he wasn’t the only student in the class that exhaled a sigh of relief. 

He would have to tell Jared just how much he appreciated his boyfriend talking him out of taking a full course load. As it was, Jensen was taking two lectures and a clinical. He had to get special permission from the Dean to attend the clinical he was registered in and next week he had a few placement tests to take to see if any of the courses he had completed before he signed up for the Army were still in his mind. 

Yet another thing to study for.

He made a note in his cell phone to check Amazon for a cheap version of the older edition of his book, trying to ignore the fact that he had spent $400 on a brand new version that would probably only sell for half the price because it had been opened. He sighed in relief as he struggled through the crowds of students milling around the building until he made it back onto New York’s streets. 

“Hey, why aren’t you answering your phone?” He was connected almost directly to Jared’s voicemail and he shifted his bag higher on his shoulder as he made his way towards the direction of the subway. “Well, I am just out of class now. I’m heading to the subway so I should be home in an hour and a half, I would hope. I am starting to think we should look into two cars… You think the subways are bad? Nothing compared to the bus ride after. See you soon.” He shoved his phone back into his pocket, glad he had worn a button down shirt over his t-shirt. Now that the sun was setting, there was no denying fall was well on its way…

When he was finally seated in the bus, he pulled a knee up to his chest, shifting his body in the seat to face the window. He was grateful there weren’t many people on the bus for the trip back to Harrison and he was able to keep his bag on the seat beside him.

In front of him, a woman sat up from her nap and immediately stared in on an extremely animate conversation with her cell phone.

“No, Judy. I swear to God, it was the most romantic thing ever! Of course I said yes, wouldn’t you have?” She giggled and Jensen tried to tune her out, fumbling with the front of his bag to find his headphones. “Judy… I’m going to be _married_! Can you believe it?”

Jensen’s heart stopped at the word and his fingers found something else in his bag beside his head phones. He pulled out the small red box, toying it in his fingers. The box felt heavy in his hands, warm to the touch, but he couldn’t put it down.

_“Jensen?” Jared called from the bedroom and Jensen poked his head out from the master bath where he was putting away towels and unpacking the toiletries._

_“Oh.” Jensen saw what Jared held in his hand, his brow furrowed as he looked between the golden band and Jensen’s face. Jensen closed his eyes, knowing the inscription on the band and cursing himself for forgetting he had tossed it into his nightstand box. “I think I’m going to try to sell it, you know?”_

_Jared nodded slowly, looking down at the band again. “I didn’t know you were going to ask him to marry you.” He said softly._

_“Jay.” Jensen left his position against the bathroom door and took the ring from Jared’s hands, shoving it into his back pocket. “It was almost six years ago. We are all very different people. And I am so glad I _didn’t_ ask him, because then I wouldn’t be standing here with _you_.” Jared nodded, kissing him softly before returning to finish unpacking the box he had been working on._

Jensen had gone the next morning to get groceries and stopped at the local Jeweler’s before he did anything else. One minute he was planning on how to get the best price out of the golden band and the next he was gushing to the clerk at the counter about how great Jared was and how happy he had been and was walking out of the store with a brand new band in tow. 

“Judy, I seriously never thought he would ask me.” The woman continued on and Jensen found himself engaged in her conversation. “He’s never really told me what he wanted before, you know? I’ve been more than adamant about the future I see… but this was the first time he ever took that step, you know?” 

Jensen bit his lower lip, looking back down at the box in his hand. He still couldn’t believe he was sitting here with the box in his hand.

They had never talked about _it_ before. Both of them had joked around, saying they would be lost without the other. Jensen was the first to say he would die without Jared around, even if his goal was trying to get Jared to prepare dinner. Truer words had never been spoken.

Jensen exhaled, his stomach suddenly twisting in knots. 

What if he _did_ ask the question? What if Jared said _no_? He swallowed hard at the thought. Jared had been the one to suggest getting a house together, to move their relationship forward, but everything else?

Hell, gay marriage was legal in New York, in the majority of the states, but their home state was still adamantly against it. If they traveled home together to visit Jared’s family? They wouldn’t even be recognized.

“Not something you have to worry about seeing as you’re not actually married, Ackles.” He muttered to himself, shoving the ring into his pocket and zipping the bag closed again. He settled back into the seat, fingertips tracing the box through his jeans.

Did he even want to be married? He chewed on the inside of his lip. Although coming out to his unit and Tom wasn’t in his plans, well, ever… he had been shocked at the recognition Jared had received as his partner and the acceptance from almost all of the guys. He actually felt ashamed that he had hidden their relationship… especially from Tom.

But getting _married_? Everyone would know. He pressed down on the box, the corner digging into his thigh. Jared would be walking around with his ring on his finger, showing the rest of the world he belonged to someone, he would be his _husband_. And didn’t that thought ignite something deep inside…

Jensen straightened up in his seat, letting both of his feet fall onto the floor. His stop would be coming up next, and suddenly, he couldn’t wait to be home. He was going to do it. He was going to tell Jared exactly how he felt, everything he felt, and exactly what he wanted. 

The tendrils curling through his stomach were hard to describe, and he exhaled slowly. He was going to do this. He was going to ask Jared to marry him. 

He couldn’t stop the smile that spread to his lips as he tugged his bag up from the seat and made his way off the bus, smiling wider when he saw Jared waiting for him at the bus stop.

“Hey baby.” Jared smiled as he approached, his arms immediately surrounding Jensen’s back and pulling him in for a kiss. Jensen kissed him back, melting against his lips.\

“Broke out the beanies?” He said as they broke apart, reaching up to rustle it around the top of Jared’s head.

“It’s officially fall.” Jared replied, batting his hand away and moving towards the car. “Are you hungry? Tom brought over some sort of… well… thing…”

“Tom?” Jensen asked as he slipped into the passenger seat, kicking his bag down between his legs and turning to give Jared a questioning look. He could feel the smile slipping off of his face. 

“Well, I wanted to celebrate… And we haven’t had many people around to see the house yet, so I figured we could kill two birds with one stone. Is that okay?” Jared asked, hesitating over the ignition as he looked over Jensen’s posture. “Fuck, Jen… you’re probably tired and I didn’t really think…”

“No, it’s okay.” Jensen shook his head quickly, trying not to show his disappointment. He turned in the seat, blatantly aware of the ring box digging against him. “It will be nice to see everyone.”

“They’re really excited.” Jared replied, all smiles again as he shifted the car into park. “It’s a Tuesday night so they’re not going to stay late. And if you have to get away to do homework or anything, I’ll make sure no one bothers you, okay?” Jared’s eyes continued to flick over to him and Jensen made sure he smiled back at him every time.

“Yeah, Jay. It’s fine. I’ll let you know. Is food going to be ready when we get there? I’m starved.”

Jared rattled on about the day spent with his sister and Jensen’s smile was real instead of forced. He was glad Mackenzie and Jared had figured out their differences and enjoyed spending time together. Jared had said a few times how much she reminded him of his own sister, and Jensen was glad that when he missed his family he was able to find comfort in Jensen’s own.

When they pulled up to the house, Jensen choked on the water he was sipping. 

“A few people?” He said, spinning around, eyes wide to stare at Jared.

“I told Tom he could invite a few people…” Jared said, eyes just as wide as he took in their driveway and the cars that spilled out to park alongside the road. “I figured… Fuck. I did not buy enough burgers.”

Jensen couldn’t help the laugh that rolled out of him. Jared turned to him, eyes still wide. 

“I can’t feed this many people!”

“Jay, I’m sure if Tom invited half the unit, most of them brought something. Don’t worry.” He reached over to squeeze Jared’s leg before letting himself out of the car and into the mass of people he had been neglecting the past few months.

Jared had stayed by his side until he was sucked into the group of his army buddies, all of them passing stories about the rest of the deployment that he and Tom had missed. He smiled despite himself, finding he had missed their company more than he cared to admit. He looked up to find Jared watching him, a concerned look on his face, from across the room. He smiled and nodded at him. _I’m good._

“So you and Jared.” Tom nudged his shoulder, drawing his attention back. “I never thought I would see you buying a house.” He smiled, handing Jensen a beer.

“I know.” Jensen smiled, taking a drag of it. “Hard to believe.”

“I’m happy for you.” Tom said after a moment, shrugging his shoulders. “I mean, really, Jen. It’s what everyone wants, someone in their life that’s going to make them happy. And you’ve got that.”

“Yeah.” Jensen whispered, following Jared’s back as he slipped onto the patio to tend to the grill or talk with the people outside. “I do.” He smiled, looking down at the beer in his hand. “Tom… get everyone outside.” He said, shoving the beer into Tom’s hand and pushing his way through the people in their house. He didn’t wait for Tom’s reply, _couldn’t_ wait for it. 

He looked around the yard, spotting Jared sitting at their patio table talking to Mackenzie. He smiled, walking over to them and gripping Jared’s shoulder to turn him around.

“Everyone outside!” Tom’s voice bellowed from the house and Jensen tried not to cringe. _Subtle_.

“What is he doing?” Jared laughed, his eyes following the people streaming out into their yard.

“I…” He swallowed hard, finding all eyes on him. He could feel the blush creeping up his neck and he tore his eyes away from their friends and their family to see Jared staring up at him with a confused smile, looking sexy as hell. Jensen smiled back. “I have something I need to say! Jared?” He said, reaching out for Jared’s hand and dropping down to his knee in the grass. He could hear the collection of gasps and murmurs from behind him, but he stayed focused on Jared’s eyes, shining blue and glassy as they widened to stare back at him. “Jared Padalecki.”

Jared swallowed hard, eyes darting across Jensen’s face. He could feel his heartbeat pounding in his chest as he watched Jensen lick his lips and say his name again.

“Jared Padalecki. I love you.” Jensen smiled, pulling his hand to his lips, pressing them against the back of his hand. Jared swallowed hard. “The past year has been crazy… to say the least. But it has been eye opening as well. I can’t even begin to describe the influence and power you’ve had over my life, and over my heart.

“If someone had told me a year ago that I would be sitting here, in a house I owned with the man I loved, surrounded by my friends? I would’ve laughed at them. There was no way in my mind that I could ever have this, that I could ever be truly happy or be myself. And then you came into my life, after you tore out my apartment half naked like a bat out of hell,” Jensen smiled and Jared chuckled, remembering the first night they had met. “And you changed everything.

“For the first time? I wanted to scream out that I had found someone. Someone that was funny, charming, sexy.” Jensen squeezed his fingers, sending a shock straight through to his heart. “Someone that listened to me, cared about me…. Someone that I knew was _the_ one. Jared, you’re the strongest person I know. The things that you have been through… the strides you’ve made to be this accomplished and amazing man before me… Anyone would be lucky to have you. I don’t know where I would be right now if it weren’t for you, Jay.” Jensen smiled, shifting his position on the grass and Jared froze as he watched Jensen pull out a small red box from his pocket. “Jared, I truly don’t deserve you. But I love you, more than anything in this entire world and I can’t imagine you not being at my side. As clichéd and perfect as it sounds, will you make me that lucky man? Will you be my husband?” Jensen’s fingers shook as they slipped from Jared’s grasp and opened up the small box to reveal a thick silver band. 

“Jensen.” Jared whispered, eyes flicking back and forth between the band and the emerald eyes staring back at him. Jared’s own hands were shaking as he took the small box, pulling the band out to hold it between his fingers. Was this seriously even a question?

“Yes, it’s seriously a question.” Jensen whispered and Jared flushed when he realized he had said his thought aloud. 

Jared pitched forward, slipping out of the chair he was sitting in to his knees on the grass before Jensen. He threw his arms around Jensen’s shoulder’s almost knocking his boyfriend, no _fiancé_ to the ground before he sealed their lips together. 

“Yes.” He whispered into Jensen’s mouth, kissing him again. “God, yes!”

Around them the backyard erupted into cheers and congratulations and Jared laughed in Jensen’s arms, wondering how he had forgotten the fact that they were surrounded by at least thirty people.

“I love you.” Jensen whispered into his ear, squeezing him once before letting him go and sitting back on his heels, his face split into a wide smile as people came over to them, clapping them both on the back.

“You’re going to be my brother!” Mackenzie cried out, tears in her eyes as she flung her arms around Jared’s neck, kissing both of his cheeks. 

Jared felt like he was floating, his face starting to hurt from the smile that was permanently attached to his face as he said thank you to everyone around them. Tom had taken over the grilling duties and was soon calling out that food was ready, letting people move towards their dinners and giving him and Jensen room to breathe.

“Thanks.” Jensen said, throwing himself into one of the chairs and accepting a plate from Tom. 

“No problem, that’s what friends are for.” Tom nodded, sinking down into a chair across from Jared. “When you told me you wanted me to get people out here, I thought you were going to tell us you were pregnant.”

“Fucker.” Jared laughed as Jensen tossed a grilled pepper across the table at Tom’s face. Tom ducked the flying vegetable, eyes dancing as he looked back up. 

“I’m happy for you guys.” He said after a moment, before excusing himself to get a plate of his own.

“Burger?” Jensen asked, pushing his plate in between them.

“I’m too… excited? I don’t know. I can’t eat.” Jared replied, looking down at his hand where Jensen had slipped the ring onto his finger moments before they had been swarmed. “God.” 

“I was almost afraid you would say no.” Jensen said, and Jared looked up to see him staring at Jared’s hand, a strange smile on his face.

“You kidding me?” Jared laughed, kicking his foot under the table. “I never expected… I would have never said no.” Jensen smiled and continued to eat.

With news of their engagement, Jared was surprised when people started trickling out soon after they had finished eating.

“I told them we didn’t have any hard liquor so they would have to party elsewhere.” Tom said, holding open a trash bag as Jensen picked up random plates and bottles left around the back yard. Jared gave him a look and he shrugged. “Mind reader.”

“Well, fine by me. I have a lot of _homework_ to do.” Jensen smirked, looking over his shoulder at Jared.

“Smooth. Have to map out your new Finance?” Tom rolled his eyes and Jensen replied with a short laugh. Jared could feel his cheeks flush, but it was hardly from embarrassment. 

They worked around the backyard until nothing was left and then Tom bid them both goodnight, making plans to meet up with Jensen at the bar later that week and promising not to set him up with a hot blonde. 

“But dude, you’re still my wingman. You have to help _me_ get laid. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Tom added as he made his way to the front door. He paused, his hand on the handle. “Actually, do everything I _wouldn’t_ do.” He smirked before closing the door behind him.

“Upstairs, Fiancé?” Jared whispered, raising an eyebrow in question toward Jensen whose eyes widened in response before he turned and ran up the stairs. 

Jensen met Jared at the door to their bedroom, wrapping his arms around his back and pulling them together. Jared gasped and Jensen swallowed it down, flicking his tongue across Jared’s as he pulled them deeper into the room.

“Fiance sounds so good… I can’t wait to hear husband.” Jensen whispered, twisting them around and pushing Jared down on the bed. Jared gasped, his cock swelling in his jeans. Jensen smirked, pulling his shift off and tossing it behind him before reaching for Jared’s.

“Jensen.” Jared whispered as he scooted up on the bed, falling back into the pillows. Jensen didn’t miss a beat, matching his movements and pressing himself against Jared, catching his lower lip between his teeth. 

“Now I can say you’re all mine.” Jensen whispered, kissing him deeply. Jared’s hands made their way up Jensen’s back, fingers pressing into the muscles there, pressing them closer. He raised his hips, pressing them together and eliciting a soft hiss from Jensen above him.

“I was always yours.” He whispered, crushing their lips together again. They took their time, exploring each other’s mouths, hands pulling and teasing as they went. When Jensen finally pulled back to look down on him, Jared was left gasping for breath. 

“You’re so beautiful, Jared.” Jensen whispered, eyes never breaking their contact with Jared’s own as he flicked his fingers across the buttons of his jeans, opening them and slowly dragging them down. Jared lifted his hips slightly to allow Jensen to pull the fabric down completely before collapsing against Jared’s chest and kissing him again.

Jared gasped at the feel of scratchy denim pressed against his entire length and Jensen smirked against his lips, dancing his hands down to gently play across Jared’s swollen flesh. Jared bucked up against his hand, demanding.

“We have all the time in the world, baby.” Jensen laughed but moved to start undoing his own pants.

“That’s great, but I want you _now_.” Jared whispered back, watching as Jensen removed the rest of his clothing and settled back between Jared’s legs. The both moaned as their bodies became flush against each other, and Jared soaked in every bit of warmth Jensen was offering. “Make love to me, Jensen.” 

Jensen responded with a soft kiss, reaching over to the night stand for the bottle of lube. Jared let his legs fall open, his hands running in circles up and down Jensen’s arms. 

“Love you.” Jensen whispered, rolling some of the gel around his fingers to warm it up before pressing against Jared’s entrance. Jared gasped as Jensen pushed in slightly, moving his fingers in circles as he stretched the tight muscle. 

“God, Jen. I love you.” Jared groaned, grinding his hips down against Jensen’s fingers. Jensen kissed along his chest, catching a nipple between his lips. He sucked gently as he pressed in deeper, fingers stretching and searching. Jared gasped, arching his hips off the bed as Jensen bit gently down on the tightened nub, his fingers twisting and finding the soft bundle of nerves deep inside. He moved across Jared’s chest, groaning against his chest as Jared’s finger nails dug into his shoulders and his fingers moved deliciously in and out of Jared’s body.

Jensen’s fingers slipped out of him and Jared immediately missed them, his mouth falling open in protest until Jensen shifted, covering his body again. He captured his lips, one hand finding Jared’s and pressing them together into the mattress. He pushed in slowly, and Jared gasped at the slight burn he felt, forcing himself to relax. Jensen moved slowly, peppering Jared’s face with kisses across his cheekbones, forehead, eyelids and lips until he was fully seated in Jared’s body.

“God, Jared. You always feel so good.” He whispered, pressing their lips together as he pulled back out, pushing in again and setting a slow pace. Jared moaned in response, his free hand twisting around the back of Jensen’s neck and keeping them together. 

They moved together slowly, the sounds of their gasps and flesh against flesh echoing in the room. Jared could feel the steady build deep in his stomach and as if sensing it too, Jensen reached between them to wrap his long fingers around Jared’s cock, stroking him gently in stride with his hips.

“Fuck, Jensen.” Jared groaned from deep in his throat, bucking his hips up. “You’re killing me.”

“Don’t want that.” Jensen laughed, pulling back slowly before snapping his hips forward, the head of his cock pressing at all the right places. Jared gasped and felt himself twitch between Jensen’s fingers. Jensen kissed him again, snapping his hips forward every few thrusts, making sure he hit the small bundle of nerves every time. 

Jared couldn’t comprehend the words and moans that were spilling out of his mouth. He moved his hips up to meet Jensen’s and felt the muscles of Jensen’s back shifting with him. He gasped again, tingling starting to build in the base of his spine and Jensen nodded as his fingers tightened together. 

“Fuck, Jen.” Jared whispered, finding Jensen’s lips again. He moaned into Jensen’s mouth, feeling Jensen’s grip tighten and twist around him. “Fuck, yes!” He groaned loudly, his release spilling between them, coating Jensen’s fingers and their stomachs. Jensen gasped above him, his hips faltering as he thrust once, twice more, before collapsing against Jared’s chest, breathing hard. 

“Mmm.” He mumbled, shifting his weight so he was still surrounded by Jared but not crushing him. He pressed his lips into Jared’s neck and Jared felt himself shiver. 

“MmmHmmm.” Jared replied, letting their heads fall together. They lay in silence, their breathing evening out after a few moments. Jensen reached down to find their comforter and pulled it up over them, ignoring the look he got from Jared. 

“I’ll do laundry tomorrow.” He said, closing his eyes and tucking himself back into Jared’s neck. “Only because I’m the best husband-to-be ever.”

“Yes you are.” Jared whispered, smiling in the darkness. “Yes, you are.”  
 


	14. Epilogue

[](http://s1065.photobucket.com/user/pdlessard07/media/chapterfourteenbanner_zpsiaocpiez.png.html)  


**Chapter Fourteen: Epilogue**

 

Freedom. Or at least that’s what this was supposed to be. Jared Padalecki pushed the duffel bag he was carrying up higher onto his shoulder and stepped off of the subway into the surging crowd. He allowed the crowd of people to carry him forward, their energy pushing at him as much as their bodies and their bags. Then he turned around, eyes landing on his husband, bent down on the ground.

He smiled, taking a few steps back to lean over his shoulder and watch him tie bright pink shoe-laces into a knot. 

“See the bunny ears, Ashleigh?” He was saying softly, eyes flicking up to their daughter who was staring down at her shoes like they were going to come alive any second now.

“I’m not sure if the subway station is the best place for a lesson, babe.” Jared laughed, leaning further down to press his lips into Jensen’s hair. “Come on.”

“Yeah, okay.” Jensen nodded, trying up the laces before scooping Ashleigh into his arms, carrying her on his hip and moving with Jared through the crowd. “Are you sure the Lion exhibit is going to be open this time?”

“Lions! Rawr!” Ashleigh screamed out, raising her hands in faux-claws and growling at her father. “Daddy, I want to see the lions!”

“I know baby girl.” Jensen smiled at her, kissing her forehead. “Papa and I are taking you to see the lions. Which better be open.”

“I called.” Jared looked over his shoulder, smirking at Jensen. “And I told them we would set our own lion on them if they were wrong again.”

“I just don’t want to listen to it again.” Jared couldn’t help but agree. Ever since they had gotten Ashleigh to watch The Lion King, she had been obsessed with the animals. Tigers and Bobcats were no exception when they tried to plead with her that they were so much _like_ lions when the exhibit had been closed last time they went to the zoo. 

A large stuffed lion that was bigger than her three year old self was just barely able to settle her for the subway ride back to their car. It had done nothing for the ride home.

Jensen handed over Ashleigh when they arrived at the park gates, moving forward to get their tickets while Jared took her over to the fountain to toss a few wishing pennies so Ashleigh wouldn’t get restless standing in line. 

“Ready, baby girl?” Jensen called out his arrival, opening his arms for Ashleigh to run into, a big grin on her face.

“Lions?!” She screamed, and Jared laughed at the wince Jensen made, raising his shoulder to press on his ear.

“Yes, Lions. But let’s not scream at them, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy!” Ashleigh whispered, her hands clasped in front of her in excitement. She turned to look at Jared, her eyes dancing.

“Papa, are you ‘cited to see the lions?” 

“Yes, Leigh.” Jared smiled, tickling her chin before reaching down to find Jensen’s hand. “I might be more excited than you!”

“Nope! Never.” She admonished, shaking her head wildly, bouncing in Jensen’s arms. Jared just chuckled and steered his family past the sea lions that graced the front gates and made their way to the African plains.

***

Six hours later had gotten them three visits with the lions, two ice cream bars (one of which was mostly stuck to the front of his shirt) and Jensen starting to limp, rubbing his leg absentmindedly as they made their way to central park.

They found a clear spot in the grass, and smiled at the families that were starting to group up around them, setting out blankets and picnic baskets. Jared reached into the diaper bag he had been carrying and pulled out a juice box and some crackers for Ashley to nibble on while they waited. 

“Is it going to be loud?” She asked nervously, looking between her two fathers. 

“A little.” Jensen said, smiling softly. “But it’s a good loud. You can feel it through your whole body, like a good song. But the colors are the best part.” Ashleigh cocked her head at his words, nodding after a moment and handing Jared her juice box to open.

They ended up getting two flag-colored pin wheels and more glow sticks then they ever needed before the fireworks actually started. Ashleigh jumped at the first few, shrinking into Jared’s arm as she peeked up at the colors blossoming across the sky. Suddenly the sky lit up orange and yellow and she smiled, telling them it was “lion fireworks”.

Jared leaned over, getting Jensen’s attention. Ashleigh had curled up in the grass between them, arms wrapped around Jensen’s leg, her head in his lap as she slept. Above them, fireworks were still exploding across the sky. Jared smiled at him, glad they could both sit here, completely comfortable with the sounds around them.

It felt like they were the only ones in the grass. The fireworks a muted color, blending into the background around them along with the people and the hustle of the city that never slept. It was only them, their small and perfect family, screaming in color that mattered. 

“I love you.” Jared whispered, finding Jensen’s hand in the grass and twisting their fingers together. “I love this.”

“Me too baby.” Jensen replied, squeezing back and leaning closer to press their lips together. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god. Where do I begin?
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you to EVERYONE who has left comments and who has stuck with me through this story whether you came in from the beginning or from the last chapter.
> 
> You guys are amazing! 
> 
> I have been so overwhelmed with the feedback I have gotten. I appreciate it so much. No matter how many stories you've written, its truly the feedback and the response that keeps you going. 
> 
> I set out with this story as a challenge tossed around the car with my best friend and I didn't think it would turn into be something so important to me. As my first Supernatural RPF fic, I was terrified to post this!! I am so glad I did. I hope that everyone is happy with the ending. And I will be working on many other fics as well :)


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